Depression is overwhelming me despite therapy and antidepressants

[Parrotsandpineapples]

Really struggling at the moment and don't know why I'm posting this. I'm about 3 months in to a bad spell of depression and I'm so exhausted by it. I'm in therapy, on a phased return to work, spoken to occupational health, I'm trying to do things that bring me joy even when I feel numb about doing it. I'm on my 3rd type of antidepressants in 3 years (citalopram) and I don't know if it's helping. I was off work for 2 months in 2024 too as I had something similar but not as hard as this.

I am so exhausted from feeling this way. I wake up with a clenched jaw and a huge surge of overwhelm. I am tired to my bones. I'm battling suicidal thoughts again. I have friends but no one close enough I can talk to about this. I can't talk to my husband in detail as I don't know what to say. I just tell him I'm struggling. He takes the lead with the kids and is good on that front.

I think it's only my children keeping me here but I'm starting to worry about how much of what they're seeing is impacting them. I can't hide how I feel anymore, I don't want to be the crying mum who sleeps all the time she can.

Ive tried contacting a few support lines last night but via text/ webchat but they either didn't respond or took hours by which point I was finally asleep. I cant seem to pick up the phone to call as I know I won't be able to get it all out.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you tried the NHS talking therapy or if you can afford it pay for some private therapy?

Your kids need their mama.. 💕

Do you know what triggers it at all? I haven’t suffered this badly but I saw something once that said depression can’t hit a moving target so doing even one small thing a day could help, a walk, something for yourself… I’m sure you have tried lots of these things anyway but I didn’t want to read and run.

hang in there x

I am no expert but I have been intrigued by the research underway here https://www.maudsleybrc.nihr.ac.uk/impact-stories/psilocybin-assisted-therapy-for-depression/

Yes I should have said I've been seeing a clinical psychologist on and off for 18 months privately since my first bad spell in 2024

Oh OP, that’s so shit. Sorry you’re going through it at the moment! 💐 it WILL pass, so hang on in there.
What I found helpful when I was in it - private talking therapy, eventually I was on Prozac and Propranolol which were great, gym classes I actually enjoyed, a lot of baths, getting into a true crime podcast whose episodes dropped every Monday (something to look forward to on Mondays), seeing friends, “indulgent” self care like massages or the hairdresser to make me feel or at least look “normal”, going sober for a couple months, sleeping more sometimes 11 hours a night just whatever my body needed, creatine every single day (new research showing creatine helping MH)
You’ve got this and we are all glad you’re here!

It is exhausting OP, be kind to yourself.

Do you remember how long it took or what help you to feel better after the last time?

I have been through repeated bouts of depression and, without wanting to give you false hope, I have noticed that I sometimes feel worse than ever about 3 months in, only for things to then improve quite quickly from then onwards. Stay hopeful.

The main things that have helped me (on top of ADs) is exercise and self-help books. And resting when I need to. Are you sure you’re ready to go back to work?

Have you considered whether any sort of burn out is contributing to this?

I'm no expert but I think anti depressants can embed suicidal ideation. I was quite tired on citalopram and have gotten on better with escitalopram. There is a chemical difference between them. I also get on better with lower doses. I didn't like 20mg of esciptalopram, so I'm going back down. 17.5mg is okay but a pain to cut them so I'll go back down slowly to 10mg. Ask for a medication review.

Also, two things - lack of sleep would massively increase suicidal thoughts for me. More than ever I need regular sleep on antidepressants.

Also taking them at exactly the same time every day was essential.

On the exhaustion and overwhelm, are taking vitamins and things? I found things like daily vitamin D, folate, magnesium glyncinate, omega 3 etc. helped.

Also nutrition - keeping to 1 caffeine a day, plenty of fibre, veg, protein and healthy fats, live yoghurt for gut health, whole grains.

And exercise- fresh air and strength training, a bit of cardio.

I can't verbalise well when I'm stressed at all (I have adhd and possibly autistic) so have been learning grounding techniques, trying to reduce sensory overwhelm etc. Lots of the technique that work got neurodivergent folk would probably be helpful to you as they help to reduce overwhelm.

Where does it feel like the pressure is coming from? That often helps to identify solutions.

Try not to put extra guilt on yourself about how the kids are

Kids are resilient (to a point of course )
How old are they?
I was quite honest with mine when they were old enough to understand (13/15)

I find the Samaritans have been excellent when Ive been very low

Mind have an online forum which is great too - side by side is what it’s called .

Also, have a look to see what your local mind groups offer - in my area there are good mood cafes . Mind staff facilitate them but it’s a way to meet others and support each other

Take care