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Original poster

Am a bad, bad mother & mil agrees!

52 replies

blueteddy · 27/01/2005 21:42

Have had a very bad morning with ds1 & ended up losing the plot.
He stayed at my Mum's house last night & was returned to me at 8.25am this morning.
He immediatly wanted to play his gameboy & I said no, because of school in less than 10 mins.
He started wailing about this, making me get a bit cross, but when I asked him to get his shoes on a few minutes later he had a complete tantrum, telling me he did not like me etc & was refusing to put his shoes on.
I got very cross (not proud of myself) & ended up screaming at him!
It took him over 10 mins to get his shoes on & mil whitnessed it all, as she was around to look after ds2. (I work at the school that ds1 attends)
Anyway, I felt terrible & was on the verge of tears when I arrived at work this morning, as I felt like a bad Mum & hated leaving him upset.
Tonight when I spoke to my Mum on the phone to ask if maybe he was tired, I was told that my mil had phoned my Mum, all upset to say how she hated me getting all cross with him etc & had been crying about it!
I feel so awful & have been in tears all night.
Obviously I am not fit to be a parent.

OP posts:
MistressMary · 27/01/2005 22:48

Ha, perhaps it bought back memories then?
See they've all been there.

Amanda3266 · 27/01/2005 22:48

How can I be in a position to work with children, if I cannot control my own?

Easy hun. Kids are always miles better behaved for someone else.

MunchedTooManyMarsLady · 27/01/2005 22:48

It can be easier to deal with other people's children than your own. You're not so invested.

Mummyloves · 27/01/2005 22:56

Ah Blueteddy......

PND - if this is the first time you have had it or ever experienced any form of depression - it can be scary for you, but yes, your reactions can be completely off the wall, out of context, from another planet - OR in this case it may actually be quite normal and reasonable. If you really feel that you are overly upset and can't seem to think straight or get your head round it, it may very well be down to PND. The good news is - eventually it will lift! The bottom line is, if you are suffering from PND do your family and extended family know and are you getting support from them? If they are just telling you to "pull yourself together", I think this is a fairly ignorant response. I've been there. I would have loved to have "pulled myself together", "Hey presto!". They should be understanding not being critical of your reactions at the moment. If MIL knows, is it something she has no knowledge of and therefore she hasn't a clue what to say or do? If she's ignorant of it's impact on a person, maybe that's why she's showing little empathy. Sweetheart, don't feel guilty for feeling like this, you are to an extent out of control. What you can control is how you are going to tackle it.

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/01/2005 22:57

Yes you are right!
School is like a relise to me, even though I am in a class of 30 children!
Like you say, they are not my responsibility!
Sorry for any spelling errors. I have had a few bacardi's since my upset tonight!

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Mummyloves · 27/01/2005 22:58

Just seen your last post - I think that explains one hell of a lot. It's NOT you, it's HER!!!!!!

Mummyloves · 27/01/2005 22:59

Sweetheart, have another bacardi on me, you deserve it! (Just don't breath fumes on the Headteacher tomorrow!)

Original poster
blueteddy · 27/01/2005 23:01

Yes mummyloves, you are right.
My parents have never excepted my PND & my MIL knows nothing about it, as she would not really understand.
My parents have said the words "Pull yourself out of it!"
Have stopped taking the tablets, but I feel that you are always vunerable once you have suffered.

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Mummyloves · 27/01/2005 23:21

Right, well if your parents have failed to understand,IMO I wouldn't even bother looking in that direction for support. The more I tried, the more guilty and useless I felt. I came to the conclusion that they were of a different generation and nothing, apart from having experienced it for themselves, was going to make them understand. With your MIL, I believe that even if she doesn't understand, you or your DH should tell her. Even if she doesn't understand, it might take the edges off her reasoning behind "your behaviour" as she sees it. She has at least had an explanation and isn't "just" thinking you're a bad parent, which I will reiterate, as you are being TOLD over and over, you're NOT! ADS? Mmmmmm. They are prescribed for a reason and people have different opinions of them. This is only mine and I was prescribed ADS after the birth of DS. They may not fix everything, including additional factors which may be an additional pressure on your life. BUT, they are there in the short term to help you through. If you don't take them regularly and for a prescribed length of time, they will not work. So, after two weeks and you say, "they make no difference", you're right! If you take them once every couple of days, or sporadically and you say, "What's the point, they make no difference?", you're right again. If, only for once, you take them when prescribed, for at least 3 -4 months, you might see the difference. I was haphazzard, and I believe it's part of the depressive illness to be negative when you don't see an "instant" result, and I started to be inconsistent with the not taking of them or to give up after a few weeks. Hey, but guess what, they didn't work, and then guess what I thought of them? Yep, they don't work! When I finally decided I could take no more and religiously took them, I realised after a time that I had stopped thinking negative thoughts about everything and.... after a while they worked! Try and see the course of medication through. It may be that you are religiously taking them, but not all ADS suit everyone. You may need a change of prescription. I went through 4 different sorts until I found the right one.

Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 07:40

You are right mummylove.
I did not take them as consistantly as I should have done, as I did not think they were doing much good.
I maybe need to get back in touch with my HV & see what she thinks.
I have been awake most of the night, with things going round & round in my mind.
Will be very tired at work today!
Ds1 seems to have forgiven me, as he has been telling me all morning how much he loves me!
I just feel that for MIL to have been so upset that she needed to phone my Mum, I must be really bad!
Will try my best to have a better morning today!

OP posts:
nailpolish · 28/01/2005 07:45

blueteddy, havent read any of the other posts just wanted to say you really are not alone here.

has your MIL forgotten what it is like to have young children? and go to work?

hopefully she will regret discussing this with your mum, i think it was a bit below the belt to be honest.

hope you have a better day today.

ps i dont think you are a bad mother in the slightest, you are in fact a good mum because you are feeling so upset by this all. your ds will have forgotten all about it

FairyMum · 28/01/2005 07:51

Sounds like a normal morning in my household too. I am sure you mil has been through the same, but most mil's seem to have selective memory. Ignore her, I ignore mine!

Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 08:18

I could tell by her face that she thought I was mother from Hell!
Did not expect her to phone my Mum about it though!
She was telling my Mum that she wishes I would not get on at him all the time, that he was only little (he is 5!) & was a good boy (he was being far from a good boy!)
It made me feel a million times worse, as I had spent most of the day with a terrible guilt as it was.

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KatieinSpain · 28/01/2005 08:30

Good morning blueteddy!

I hope this morning is going well. Don't worry so much - having a dreadful time getting out happens to everyone.

IMO it is good you are questioning how you feel, how to make it better and asking for advice. You are acting positively. It sounds like your MIL undermined you but, quite possibly, unintentionally, as in she doesn't know about your PND. In all this, don't forget to be kind to yourself, too. It is hard getting everyone out in the morning. I yell too and hate myself for it because there are better ways of handling things. Being a mum is challenging but heh, it is a learning curve.

Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 13:24

Thought I would let you know that this morning was much better!
He tried it on a little when I asked him to get dressed at first & took forever to get dressed (nothing new there!), but we did not have any tantrums & I counted to 10 with each shoe this morning & it worked!
Feel a little better & have spoken about what happened with some of my work friends & they were all shocked at my MIL phoning my Mum!
I feel I may have to say something to her when I next see her!

OP posts:
Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 13:25

My MIL that is!

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Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 13:41

Forgot to say, she is 72 & her youngest child (dh) is 38.
Maybe her mind has gone a bit fuzzy!

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Tessiebear · 28/01/2005 17:45

Blue - something very similar happened to me this time last week.!!!!!! Forgot to tell you about it! Will tell you on the phone some time , it is tooooo long to post!

Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 17:47

Really Tess?!
I felt like a terrible mother all day anyway & just felt like MIL had confirmed that I was totally unfit to be a parent!
Spent practically all of last night in tears!

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Original poster
blueteddy · 28/01/2005 18:00

I cannot believe that anyone else would experience anything like this?!
She thinks I am the most evil mother ever!

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KatieinSpain · 29/01/2005 11:20

But Blue - what do you think? Stop for a moment and try and look at yourself, without thinking about your MIL or anyone else come to that, you care, you work, you are dealing with PND, you have two small kids and you post with kindness and self awareness. Do you see, yet? You are starting to sound like superwoman!

I can't talk about PND, I don't have any experience of it but I can say that tiredness changes how I am, how I feel, how I interact with my kids - and makes everything harder, more negative and that makes me feel bad, too. But try not to hold onto the bad bits.

Split everything up - your morning with DS was better - one step in the right direction. Your MIL is the next thing. Given her age and personality will she be understanding if you tell her how she is making you feel? Would just talking to your DH help? And just remember other people's families can be hell .

Have a good weekend.

Original poster
blueteddy · 29/01/2005 11:29

Thankyou Kateinspain.
I have definately never thought of myself as a superwoman!!!
This morning has not been too bad, but we obviously have not had the rush, so he can take as long as he likes getting dressed!
I think he has suddenly reached a very testing age & will push me as far as he can!
I am still upset about how my MIL felt about me shouting the other morning, but have calmed down a little.

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Freckle · 29/01/2005 11:39

The vast majority of MILs think that they were a far better parent than their DILs. My MIL goes on about her "poor" son and how he isn't getting a decent meal on the odd occasion when I either ask him to get his own meal or rustle up something quick and easy, because I'm going out. This is the woman who, when her "poor" son decided to become a vegetarian, refused to cater for him and merely fed him on the same as everyone else minus the meat! This was from the age of 5 upwards.

This is the woman who criticises my housekeeping, but never cleaned her own house because "she couldn't see the point".

I'm sure your MIL at some point lost it with her own child/ren, but you edit these little incidents out of your memory banks when you become a MIL.

Perhaps the lesson to be learnt is not that you are a crp parent, but that you shouldn't stand in judgment when you* become a MIL.

Original poster
blueteddy · 29/01/2005 11:53

She sounds delightful freckle!
When I spoke to my Mum about it yesterday, it appears that MIL was upset because I was dragging him across the road.
I guess I was dragging him a little, but only because he was wailing & refusing to move & the person who gives us a lift in the morning was in her car ready to go.
I was not hurting him atall.
She also apparantly kept on about him telling me that he didn't like me, during the incident.
He always tells me that he does not like me when I am cross with him, but was later telling me how much he loved me!
I think I took it particulary hard, as I had spent all day feeling awful & hearing that just seemed to confirm to me that I was not cut out to be a Mum.

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Freckle · 29/01/2005 13:56

My children swing between constantly telling me how much they love me, what a lovely mum I am and giving me spontaneous kisses and telling me they hate me, I'm awful, etc., usually when they are in trouble or not getting their own way. I believe the former and ignore the latter!

I have dragged children in order to get where we need to be and they are not willing to cooperate. Sometimes these things have to be done. Then they learn that that particular tactic won't work and hopefully won't try it again - we live in hope!

Don't beat yourself up about it. If you were an awful mum you wouldn't give a fig about what your MIL or your Mum thought, nor indeed anyone else - and in fact wouldn't even see anything wrong in what you did.