Have NC.
Am seriously considering ringing and cancelling my PIP.
It's causing me so much stress and I feel like it's making me more poorly.
I have NHS diagnosed Autism, ADHD, OCD, CPTSD, generalised anxiety disorder and depression.
I have Hashimotos disease, an underactive thyroid and chronic palmoplantar pustular psoriasis which flares up on my hands and feet and is stress/autoimmune related. I also have disordered eating habits, self harm tendancies and suicidal ideation tied in with the OCD.
At the time of my assessment I didn't leave the house very much as I had agoraphobia related to being around people and intrustive thoughts around terrorist attacks and generally being attacked by someone.
This is a lot better now as my husband has a car so I find it much easier to go to places now because I don't have to use public transport. Which I just couldn't do so I stayed home as I always thought the attacks would happen on public transport.
I never leave the house alone. Its been about 5 years since I did that. I do not do well in places like shops, I mostly get my husband to pay at the tills or interact with people.
I'm better at self checkout, I find that much easier and places where you order on a screen. I always check where the exits are and do a plan of escape for each shop.
There's lots and lots more going on in my life and mentally but it would take hours for me to detail everything.
I am currently doing NHS talking therapy and once that is completed I will start OCD focused therapy to try and tackle my intrustive thoughts and safety rituals.
But I don't want to be on PIP anymore :(
I'm sick of reading that people with anxiety and depression are just lazy and they are going to stop PIP for them.
I've read this morning they are going to start putting surveillance vans outside peoples homes.
I know people will say 'well if you've nothing to hide why would you care?' but my OCD has been in overdrive and it makes me think every single person is following me and taking photos of me and its making me fall back into my old ways of not leaving the house
(Btw after my DH had been driving 3 months I called PIP and told them that I was leaving the house a lot more because I had acess to a car now and that made going places a lot easier and he said thats absolutely fine and i am allowed to go places I just need to let them know at my review that i go out in the car with support)
When I say I go out. I go to food shops. B&M, on the school run (high school so i don't get out and interact with anyone)
Thats about it. Just shops really. I'm not out socialising or going to the pub etc.
Just normal things.
But I am so scared of doing anything that might be seen as a contradiction to my claim. I had a bit of a breakdown and called 111 because I couldn't sleep for about 3 nights because I thought PIP were surveillancing me and I told DH that I wasn't allowed to make myself a bacon sandwich. I know thats not true, I do get points for needing prompting to eat and I don't cook big family meals on a stove regularly, but I got so scared of using my cooker that I bought privacy film from amazon so i could cover my windows and know that nobody was filming me if i make something to eat on the stove.
I have autoimmune diseases and I have a lot of muscle wastage from a significant weightloss due to illness over a short period of time. I feel so weak and I want to try and start working out and get fitter and healthier but some woman was just jailed for going to the gym after saying she couldnt walk or something
And I know its not the same situation because I've never said I am physically unable to do anything (well I do spend a lot of time in bed because I am just chronically tired) but maybe exercise could help that too?
I would never sign up to the gym, that is terrifying but I could do home workouts in my garden.
But again I am too scared to do that incase i am filmed.
Sone days I feel brave and I want to pay at the till or ask a shop assistant a question and I always gave this thought in the back of my mind that I am not allowed.
I have started new medication for ADHD and it is helping me get more focused and giving me more drive to not be in bed. A few days ago I thought I might try (first time in 6 years) to go out alone. To walk my dog round the block. But straight away I remembered that during my assessment one of the questions was 'do you walk your dogs' and I answered no, as I didn't. So now I can't.
Since starting therapy I have been talking about a lot of things that I haven't spoken about before and twice in the last few weeks I've been triggered (sorry I hate that word but cant think of another) by something bringing up a memory and I've dissociated and urinated myself and I haven't told DH because its so embarrassing but I just feel like everything is getting worse and worse and worse. And I cannot cope with it. I don't know who I am anymore.
I feel like I'm going insane and I just want to call them and cancel it so I don't have to think about it anymore. Like it would be one less thing for my mind to latch onto and stress me about.
I said this to DH and he really doesn't want me to call them because it would impact us quite significantly financially but I just can't stop thinking about it 24/7.
I don't want to live like this.
Has anyone felt the same and just called them and asked them to stop the claim?