*TW* Self-harmed badly for the first time in ages

[CantUnderstandMyself]

Hi everyone.

I've had three years of trauma including an abusive relationship and a serious health issue where I very nearly died.

My ex is playing mind games and I'm scared to cut him off because he's a nasty type. I've got physical health issues still and my health took a big dip recently despite doing all the right things.

Last night things got too much, I drank some wine and impulsively cut my leg. I've got a long history of this type of thing but haven't done it for some time.

The wound is huge and required 13 stitches. I think I frightened myself because I stopped at one, normally I'd keep going. I'm horrified with myself.

That I've let someone destroy my self worth - although I perhaps didn't have much.

I don't know why I'm posting really, just for a handhold. I'm in so much pain and for what? It didn't solve anything and he's still won.

I try to stay positive but I'm just struggling right now.

You stopped at one. You got help. You are recognising that this isn’t a good coping mechanism at all and you didn’t solve anything with it.

So you’re already doing well and you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Kindness and compassion towards yourself is the only way you will get out of this and return to no longer choosing to self harm.

Can you read up about the grey rock method of managing your ex. If you genuinely don’t feel safe to cut him off completely, and perhaps limit the alcohol as it probably contributed to the decision to SH.

Perhaps write a list of kind things you can do when or if you feel crap… face mask, takeaway, bath etc. Have these as alternatives to SH. Or call a support line or chat things over online…

I’m sorry you are struggling so much but try to be kinder to yourself. You just did what you needed to at the time to cope with the psychological pain.
Were you offered any MH support at the hospital when you went to get your stitches?

Thank you, I know you're right, that shame when I woke up this morning was unreal. They were so kind to me at the hospital which made me feel worse in a way!

Grey rock - he notices and can be volatile. I think I'm in a very bad trauma bond with him and I know I need to get out of it. I had women's aid but she keeps forgetting about me and it's hard to get any real work started.

I go to loads of support groups when I've got the energy, it's all proactive so I think that makes it feel worse that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do yet still ending up in that state.

You're right about the drinking, I have cut back massively, and this is why. Another impulse.

Yes, as far as I was aware I had been discharged from CMHT, but apparently not. From my understanding I had been.

They are a nightmare in my area, my friend waited three years to get any adequate help from them. I'm sure I have PTSD from everything but they just tell me I'm coping fine.

I will phone them on Monday and ask to be reassessed, as they advised me today.

So sorry to read your post. I'm glad they were kind to you at the hospital. Please try and be kind to yourself.
My DD does this.MH services are dire right now. Keep going to your support groups. Support each other. Don't feel a failure for doing it think that you did only one. I hope it heals quickly.
You know your ex knows how to trigger you.
Put yourself first. X

That’s positive if you can assess more support. Try to be kind to yourself over the weekend as you would be to a friend if they were going through the same trauma as you 💐

Thank you, you're right. I've made so many friends at my groups and we're all going through different things.

I'm teaching myself different arts and crafts things too.

He really does, it's textbook. People say just block him but it's so complicated, fear is a horrible thing.

I do really need to start putting myself first!

I wish you and your DD all the best, it's a very difficult thing to live with.

Thank you so much. I cooked dinner for a friend tonight and she brought me a bunch of flowers which was lovely. I do have a lot to be grateful for when I really think about it!

Thankyou, crafts is a good distraction and a chance to have pride in yourself. It's hard to get your head into a different space to be able to do things like craft so well done.
I don't really talk to DD about it just see blood sometimes or know she's done it but I can't talk to her. I don't think it would make any difference what I would say. But I know how you feel. My self harm used to be starving myself. I hated myself. In lots of ways I'm not really bothered about other people now I keep myself to myself but not eating will always be my first instinct if something goes wrong in my life. But I think I've sorted of cocooned myself away I. In some self preservation.
My big cliche is learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
So hard to do. But keep trying. Don't let the bastards grind you down.x

Hope you have had a better day than yesterday @CantUnderstandMyself. Go easy on yourself.

Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I've struggled with self harm and eating disorders since I was a teenager so I can really relate to everything you say.

I'm going to groups and meeting new friends and trying to radically accept myself.

I am doing a lot better now, I'm putting it behind me.

Thank you for the handhold, all of you❤️

That's good to hear. You can keep going. Don't give him the satisfaction.x

Thank you so much 💞