Depression or health anxiety?

[ThisCheeryMoose]

My partner has always been a bit of a hypochondriac- nothing too extreme but always had the bug worse, sick at the drop of a hat etc. He used it as an excuse a lot when we were first together and I knew for a fact he was playing it up and he would admit that after to get out of certain events etc. it’s always made me a bit doubtful.
we have since had 2 DC and life is stressful with 2 but since my youngest has been born it’s been really challenging. He is constantly ‘unwell’ and has had genuine episodes of this but also ‘suspected’ kidney failure, chest pains, long covid, a cancer scare (doc had said it was 90% sure was a cyst but he convinced himself he had cancer and was a cyst) bad back etc. this is all since Jan. it’s the topic of conversation every day. If I have a sore head he has one an hour later. I’ve kidded on a few times I have something and an hour later he says he has it. Right now it’s his back. He is refusing to lift our toddler, walk the dog as he says he is worried his back is going to go. Won’t get a massage as they will rupture a disc. Only booked a physio after we had a massive argument because I just feel like he doesn’t try and pull himself out of this thinking/ do something when there is a problem. It’s 6 weeks of moaning before seeing a doc as ‘they won’t know what do they know’ and have to convince him. I’m so sick of it tbh and I don’t know if I’m just being unsympathetic after so long. He’s changed and is moody and irritable and just no joy anymore. I want to help him if he’s suffering but he needs to help himself for the sake of his family but he won’t listen and think he knows best he just succumbs to worst case scenario. How can I help

He needs some support for this issue. Ideally talking therapies. If he’s not receptive to that maybe meditation or exercise or a book or something along those lines. You are right that he needs to help himself. Hopefully he’s on the path of realising that and you can nudge him in the right direction.

Thank you for replying. I don’t even know what it is though - I feel I need an army of ‘proof’ to convince him.

You don’t have to know what it is and neither does he. Good luck, I hope he turns a corner.

Thank you. I hope so too but right now he says I’m just an unsympathetic cow but tbh I just don’t have the bandwidth for it anymore

I have health anxiety and it's horrific. I don't think how it affects your life can be even remotely envisaged by someone who hasn't experienced it. I've also noticed that I am suggestible, that's a recent awareness.

I think that if you feel he's getting out of things or imagining stuff, you're probably never going to understand it.

Succumbing to worst case scenario as you put it, completely minimises the hell he will be going through if he has this.

This isn't about indulging someone who suffers from health anxiety, it's about trying to empathise with the horror of it. I do understand it must be hard to live with and I don't really know how you and he can find a way through it to be honest.

Thanks for this. I am trying to understand but you are right it’s hard to live with and I’m allowed to find it tricky too. I am struggling with the fact that he cannot accept there is an issue or accept help in any form even from myself. He has told me in the past he has embellished things and that’s where the mistrust comes from. If he is suffering I want to help him but I cannot be expected to carry the entire load of this myself he needs to try and accept help too as we are a partnership. I suffer with my own mental health after having my son and he shows absolutely no concern for this as it’s ’minimal’ compared to his issues so it’s a two way street. I’m trying to muddle through the best I can rather than just throw in the towel for the sake of my family.

Tbf OP acknowledges that she doesn’t understand it. Empathising with the horror is one way to support, among others. I think it’s unfair and unhelpful to say they won’t be able to work through it.

Absolutely it will be hard for you to live with, that's why I question how both parties can find a way through it together.

To be honest, mine is sometimes so all consuming that there isn't really anything someone else could do. I'd never believe them if they said I was going to be fine.

I've had every therapy I can think of and nothing has helped - it can work when everything's okay, but as soon as I get the cancer or stroke or heart attack or brain haemorrhage or a thousand other things fear, it all goes out of the window.

That's not saying something might not help your husband though. Is it cPTSD based do you think?

Long time health anxiety sufferer here. It is hard to understand when you don't have an anxiety disorder, but it isn't your responsibility. He has to want to do the work (the actual going to the doctor if he has a health issue but also recognize this as a mental disorder, and start a treatment for that). At this point it doesn't really matter if it is depression/health anxiety or a real health scare; from what you describe he takes no action to get better which understandably drives you nuts.

So yeah, of course you need to be supportive and somewhat patient because anxiety disorders are hard to live with, for everyone involved, but the way he seems to be dealing with it sounds like someone in deep denial.

OP I have health anxiety and at times I have felt real panic, feeling a lump, checking, rechecking a million times, googling, catastrophising, thinking I've cancer, I'm dying, feeling hopeless, worrying about future worry etc. It's endless and exhausting. During those episodes it's awful and I want to take to my bed but I don't because I have 2 kids and I have to get up and get on with it. I've never not parented due to health anxiety even though I've desperately wanted to hide under my duvet. I freak out in the inside and go through the motions on the outside. One thing that did help was CBT. I still panic but I recognise it now and I generally don't Google as it was always tell you the worst case scenario and my brain will latch onto the slightest chance of something sinister. If you Google CBT therapist in your area you should be able to contact someone and get the ball rolling. It's not cheap and you can get it on the NHS for free but at my most desperate I couldn't wait that long. It would definitely be a great first step for your DH.