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Mental health

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Original poster

can't bring myself to talk about childhood abuse

13 replies

need2talk · 22/06/2008 17:06

name change.

I was abused by an uncle between 8-10 yrs old. I have never told any of my family about this not my paents and not my DH it has been a long time since this happened but it has affected me so much that I feel that the real me was lost somewhere. As a young child I was very outgoing with a lot of friends and very confident but after this happened (not one ocassion but many times) I am find it really hard to let people in I have no close friends and just talking to men makes me really nervous. I am not confident and hate myself for not being able to stand up for myself.
A part of me wants to tell my paerents and is angry that they never realised what there little girl went through but another part that thinks it was so long ago what is the point of devestating my parents at this point. I also donot want to bring this up now as my DH has no idea and I think he would not understand.
The thing is that short of people close to me noticing that I am not very confident/ shy in new or unknown situations I am very well adjusted in everyday life and so one has any idea how often I think about these eposides and how I play these over and over in my mind thinking that I must have been able to avoid this if I had only tried hard enough.

OP posts:

tribpot · 22/06/2008 17:17

First of all, you were 8. There is no way you could have avoided this terrible thing happening to you. Easy for me to say but possibly unbelievable for you to accept.

Second of all, perhaps it would be worth you having some counselling before deciding whether to tell people. I had a look at the Childline website but couldn't see any obvious info about adult victims of child abuse. Hopefully someone else will be along with a link to an online resource that might get you started. Could you ask your GP to refer you for counselling?

Well done for being brave enough to post, it's the first step. And all my sympathies for what you have endured.

tribpot · 22/06/2008 17:20

Ah, googled and turned up this - worth a read, I hope it can help you. Don't be afraid of the warning that comes up (I was) - there is nothing horrible on the home page.

TheProvincialLady · 22/06/2008 17:24

I was abused by my dad and used to believe that if I had used a different bed spread or had the bed a different way round in my bedroom then it might not have happened. It sounds crazy doesn't it? But sadly that it was being abused does to you and that is what it has done to you. I am happy to say that with the support of my DH and some counselling, I no longer think I am remotely to blame and the abuse does not rule my life as it used to. YOU are not to blame for what happened to you.

Are you absolutely certain there is no one in your life you could talk to about this? I find it hard to believe that your DH would not sympathise and be sad for you, even if he might not 'understand'.

You have made a brave first step - reaching out. The more you do it, the easier you will find it.

Original poster

need2talk · 22/06/2008 17:31

Maybe your right DH might be sad but its just a part of me of my life that has been burried inside me for so long that it is really emotionally very hard for me to trust anyone with it even DH. it just feels so dirty that I have tear pouring every where just typing it let alone trying to explain this face to face.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 22/06/2008 17:38

Oh bless you. I know what you mean about not being able to get the words out. It can be very, very hard. Honestly though, the more I have done it the easier it has got and now I don't find it too difficult, not that I feel the need to talk about it much these days. My DH knows everything and I have found that a big comfort.

You know it is your uncle who is the dirty one, not you. When you are a child you are powerless to stop these things happening because you don't understand them and abusive perverted adults play on that. Sometimes they can make you feel like you are instigating things or it is your fault, that you make them do it. Now imagine an 8 year old child in that situation - could it ever be true that it is their fault? No. Never. It is always the adult's fault and it is even more evil of them to try and shift the blame.

windygalestoday · 22/06/2008 17:40

i dont think youre alone.
i feel very much the same as you only i try and keep it locked away my brother who knows for sure what happened (hes not the abuser he tried to stop it) unable to cope has turned to drugs and is now so off his own head i rarely see him.
my dh is of the thought should i remember it for sure he is prepared to go to unthinkable lengths iyswim and im just scared 1 day it will escape the drawer i lock it away in.

Original poster

need2talk · 23/06/2008 01:22

the rational part of me knows that it was not my fault. It was a horrible time in my life and has effected my confidence and lifelime worth of relationships but I am alive I have a wonderful family and a good life in general. Most days it is something that I don't try to thinks about. Similar to you Windy I have had this locked away for a very long time but part of me just needed to let it out for once even if it not in the real world because I feel so angry frusterated and alone with these feeling that I feel I would burst.
To tell you honestly the possibility of me ever tell my family at the moment seem very slim to me indeed. I have been with my DH for 10 yrs and it seem an awful bomb to drop on him one evening after work that by the way...... My parent obviously had no idea but the part of me angry with them for letting this happen/ not realising it was going on want to go and shout and scream my pain at them. But they are old and there is nothing they can do and it would devestate them. I live abroad and am miles away from any family anyway.
I find that when I am busy my thoughts of this are fleeting but whenI am alone as now when DH is away it all resurfaces and I feel sad and broken again.

OP posts:

adelicatequestion · 23/06/2008 18:21

It took me 6 yrs of counselling (not non stop) before i had the courage to tell my mum. It made me feel better and helped me accept that it wasn;t my fault.

She never mentioned it again (which hurt a bit)but I have since told a couple of friends and that has been more help.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster

need2talk · 25/06/2008 02:49

I will try to be positive. we live abroad at the moment which makes it difficult to access councelling etc because of language differences. but just tlking on there has made me feel better and more positive. for the moment that will heve to do.

OP posts:

abitmessedup · 25/06/2008 05:52

need2talk

Sadly, you are not alone. A lot of us have gone through life never mentioning this to anyone. But it sort of builds up, doesn't it? Talking on here helped me a lot.

You have every right to feel hurt and angry that this happened and that someone didn't realise or stop it. You were a child and needed protecting. My story is a bit different - my Mum knew what was happening and still didn't stop it. I get on very well with her yet there is a part of me that will never ever forgive her.

I haven't really had counselling for this - I've had it for things that are a consequence of it but never gone into details. Just saying the words, the very basics of what happened make me feel sick and dirty. It happened over 20 years ago - there seems little point going over it again and again. Yet it is always there. I think it always will be. But, as long as I can get through day to day life fairly well, then I don't want to bring this all back up.

I also live abroad - sometimes that is a good thing. But not always.

If you want to CAT me, I'd be happy to chat offline. Sometimes just writing this all down and knowing someone else has been through something similar and understands at least a little of what you are going through helps.

I'm really sorry you are struggling with this.

abitmessedup · 25/06/2008 05:53

Actually, I have an email address: abitmessedup at gmail dot com

I am a regular btw.

Original poster

need2talk · 25/06/2008 06:55

thanks for all the kind messages. I do understand where you are coming from abitmessedup it is so hard to bring these things up (and after so long would it achieve any thing)but the anonimity of the net makes it easier for me to talk about it.
Day to day life is good for me I have so much to be thankful for. these thought and feeling of that time just creep up on me from time to time and leave me a mess but I get up and try to pull myself together for my dear dc's.

OP posts:

glitterandsparkle · 04/07/2008 17:58

hi need2talk, abitmessedup and i talked quite candidly about this very subject a while ago. if you want to check out my old thread childhood sexual abuse my name then was iamasurvivor i dont know how to link sorry. i toldmy DH after being together for 11 yrs and he was amazing, it made me see him in a new light and i loved him all the more for it. i understand some of your reservations, i thought that he might see me as dirty, or damaged goods, but that couldnt have been further from the truth. post back if you want to know anymore and i will keep checking in.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}]]

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