Struggling with OCD intrusive thoughts and guilt in a long term relationship

[LoftyDreamer]

Advice or support please… or someone who can familiarise with what I’m going through and tell me I’m not actually going crazy. I have suffered with OCD intrusive thoughts since I was 14… I’m now 34…. They have always been different, it started at 14 with an eating disorder where I would do mental rituals and say a phrase so that I would not eat and if I ate something bad would happen. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me and it just got worse and worse and changed themes throughout the years. It’s been my own health, my children’s health, me being responsible, memory ocd, harm ocd, contamination ocd. It’s exhausting. My current one is really driving me crazy and I’m struggling and it jus popped up out of nowhere, I can have little triggers that can start a huge flare up for months of intense constant intrusive thoughts that I keep battling because I feel if I don’t battle them then they just be true. I have been with my partner for 6 years and have a child together. Really randomly, a man who I’ve known on the street for 12 years drove past me and was staring at me so I kept looking back at him and he wouldn’t stop looking, then instantly I felt sick with guilt like I had betrayed my partner, thoughts come pouring in, intense thoughts, I’ve cheated, I wanted him to stare at me, do I fancy him? im disgusting. Then it’s just been a whirlwind, every day all day, questioning do I fancy him and want him, I don’t know it’s so hard it’s killing me I don’t know how to stop. Help please. Xx

My husband has OCD, it's a very cruel exhausting condition.
Are you having any therapy? That's been the real game changer in our case. Exposure therapy and ensuring that people around you know how to engage with your OCD. It is very tempting to reassure and for you to seek reassurance about the obsessive thoughts. You do need support from family or close friends but they also need to understand OCD and not seek to reassure you as it will feed the compulsive tendancy to ruminate

You know they are not real but your amygdala is making you feel anxious that the thoughts are real or a sign you want to do this. And they aren't. They just thoughts, no more no less than you thinking of it's sunny today. You don't need to pay it attention or neutralise it or fear it. You probably do feel like that and you're probably exhausted by it.
You're now ruminating on the thought which your brain is drawing you back to. And it's the rumination which is what cause you the distress, not that fleeting initial thought. My husband was terrified that he would sleep walk and murder our children. The worst thing he could imagine. Likewise your fear is the worst thing you can imagine.

If you're not having Exposure and response therapy then please if you possibly can, try it. It's the most effective method of treating OCD. There was a radio 4 programme earlier this week about it too.

Right now just try mindfulness. Just be aware of now, look at your surroundings now and really think about them. What can you see, hear, feel. Focus just on right now and the physical tangible things around you and the anxiety will slow and stop

It's hard. I hope you get some relief