White-knuckling through life.

[Birdsofafeatherrr]

Posting this because I am utterly exhausted of everything being so hard, all the time. It would be amazing if anyone has any shared experience and can offer any insights or advice.

I am late-30’s, mother of two, married, recently unemployed. Since the age of around 14, I have gone through periods of severe anxiety and depression. I have spent thousands of pounds on therapy, CBT, hypnotherapy, EFT, mindfulness, people-centred, the lot. This seems to help, for a short period, but once the support dries up and the buzz wears off, I sink again.

The past 10 years, my anxiety has manifested as agoraphobia, as with my IBS, I have been caught short on several occasions and live in constant fear of it happening again. This means intense fear whenever I have to go anywhere outside of my ‘safe zone’ or where I don’t know whether there will be toilets. As you can imagine, this is extremely debilitating and just exhausting.

Despite this, I do get out and about, I take my kids out, go to school concerts, drive to see the in-laws. But every time I do, I suffer days of anxiety, preparation, panic, starving myself and laxatives, and the whole time I am white-knuckling, gritting my teeth through the occasion until I can get home again.

Even when home, I get periods of terrible melancholy where I have brain-fog, migraines, disassociation, fear of losing my mind. My self-esteem and confidence are in shreds, which as you might be able to imagine makes job-hunting difficult.

My parents both died when I was in my teens/early 30’s, and my only friends live hundreds of miles away, so I have no support network. Never get a break.

I go through cycles of being ‘on,’ performing well, getting housework done, being cheerful, able to get out and about and make plans without too much panic. Then I will nosedive and be so poorly I cannot get out of bed. This cycle has been going on for YEARS.

I have tried citalopram and serteraline, these don’t seem to help long-term and kill my libido.

A therapist recently suggested I have autism, which makes an awful lot of sense, but I’m a bit worried if this is the case because it means that I am terminal and destined to be miserable through my whole life.

My relationship is suffering because of this. DH is now also the only breadwinner so works long hours while I carry the full mental load of home and kids. I can’t stand the thought of being romantic and intimate when I am so overloaded and this makes us draw away from one another, which is incredibly lonely.

I am practicing gratitude, mindfulness, trying to look on the positive side, keeping busy and exercising, honestly I am trying so fucking hard but I feel like I am just wearing a clown mask.

I see so many posts like this and it makes me so sad. I just want to have some self-esteem, do activities with my family without it being an ordeal, feel happy, feel calm, have fun occasionally. Have a job, enjoy it, work hard. Love my DH and feel he loves me.

If anyone is out the other side and can offer any advice I would be grateful.

What happened when you were 14?

There was a troubled childhood. I spent a long time being angry and bitter about the past but now just want to move forward and live my life well.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Have you had specific therapy to deal with that trauma?

What do you like doing?

I like reading, writing, art, all which I have gotten back into recently. I enjoy nature and walks with the children but my IBS issues make this tricky as I can't take them anywhere there isn't a toilet.

I'm guessing you know the connection between anxiety/fight and flight and gut health. Once the stress and anxiety are resolved it's possible the IBS will also die down.

Have you had EMDR therapy ? I found this life changing. Somatic therapies are good.

I'm also possibly autistic- it was a bit to get my head round but it's actually helpful to just accept I'm a bit different. Things like knowing what my sensory comforts are, planning for transitions, managing sensory overload, boundary setting, following what brings me 'autistic joy' have all helped.

I do get the white knuckling feeling - no solution other than I'm trying to plan sensibly financially.

The vast majority of the immune system is in the gut and the immune system is dampened with stress so there's definitely a connection.

I have heard of EMDR but never had it. From my quick google search it's moving your eyes from side to side whilst recounting traumatic events until they feel less traumatic? There isn't much in my past that feels traumatic right now, although a lot of it definitely was. I feel quite matter-of-fact about it all, so I am not sure if this therapy would work on me.. Also not sure how addressing past trauma would help me to manage the overwhelm of everyday life. And I am loathe to dredge it all up again, I have spent a lot of time talking about my past and it is all now in a neat little locked chest in my mind.

I have started to try changing my habits and routines around possible autism. Small things - like asking for a brain break if my kids are relentless, and asking DH if I can have a quiet night to myself. Trying not to feel guilty if I do less during the day, preserving my energy, allowing myself to stim in private and saying yes less to things that make me uncomfortable. I hope it helps.

Thank you.

it is all now in a neat little locked chest in my mind

And you are aware of it; it's always there, lurking.

This is the way I explain trauma. When something bad and/or unexpected happens a part of the mind takes on the job of figuring out exactly what happen, why it happened and (crucially) our role in the event. This isn't to punish or torment us but to stop that particular thing happening again – it's a protective mechanism.

That's fine if we were texting when the car accident happened or the other person was drunk when they fell into us, but some things are just so random or unexpected that there's absolutely no way of predicting them, preparing for them or avoiding them – or the people who could explain what happened can't (or won't). However that bit of your subconscious doesn't get this message and carries on – hence the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares that are often part of trauma.

Once that part of your mind understands that there isn't, and never will be, a satisfactory answer it will stop, because it's a fruitless exercise which is detracting from your happiness. You won't forget what happened but the emotional link will be broken and that chest in your mind will be unlocked, emptied out and used for a much more positive purpose. You don't need to relive trauma to be free of it.

Autism or not, you can do all of those things already. Why not? Try doing everything you can to make your life comfortable and happy and see what happens!