Supporting husband with mental health issues while caring for two young children

[Kardelen]

Hi,
so my husband has been going through mental health issues for about 1.5 years. He has spiralled many times, and now is living at my in-laws while I am with our young two kids ( under5).

tried a lot of things in the past, he tried cbt- which didn’t work according to him. Didn’t try anti depressents or anxiety meds as he has health anxiety and is worried about side effects.

he says he is in a lot of pain, and that brings his mood down, but refuses take pain relief as he said he tried two before and it gave him side effects. I have been to numerous doctors appointments with him, he has numerous scans, but nothing can explain why he is in so much pain. He does have some issues with his spine, impingements, but the doctors are in agreement that it shouldn’t be this painful, and also does not have any explanations to all the pain he is going through.

he is unable to look after the kids on his own. And he says he needs to force himself out as he doesn’t even want to go out as he is worried he will have a heart attack and die on the street. ( but he also does not want to stay at home under his family’s presence as feels uncomfortable.

I am trying to manage work, two kids, their schools and everything that comes with looking after them as he can’t manage.

i want to help him some how, but I just don’t have the energy. Am I a bad person? I have tried so many times before. I also have been driving him around, meeting on my days off as he constantly wants to do things to keep himself occupied so he doesn’t think of the pains.
every Day he messages and expects to do something, or go out somewhere and I’m finding it very difficult to manage. Mental health services seems like they don’t understand what’s going on, or how to help.

I think you post quite a lot about this very difficult situation. Honestly I think this is more about him choosing to check out of family life with young kids than any actual health issues. He seems very happy to be manipulating you and totally unwilling to do anything himself that might mean he could support you more and really be a husband and active father to the kids.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what separating would be like in terms of practicalities and finances? Does he add anything positive to your life at this point?

Poor man. Sounds awful. Has he been referred to a pain specialist? It must be awful to live with something but not know what is wrong. If he is scared of using medication for this it might be worth having a word with your GP and talk about options that dont have so many side effects. Alternative therapy might also be another option (acupuncture? Massage?), I never tried but worth a shot.

Sounds like it is taking a toll on you too, so it might be time to be more open and tell him how you feel. Even if it is just to have a few days ‘off’ keeping him entertained and suggesting some solo trips that might take his mind off such as the cinema or walks or is there some family that can also meet him (his mum or dad or siblings/friends?).

If I was in this position I'd be making it very clear that as I'm looking after two small children with no support that there is no capacity to look after another adult. He needs to seek support from elsewhere as you have to focus on your kids.

He has been referred to the pain specialist, they said they can give him steroid injections and see if that works but it’s not 100% guranteed. And that the spine has a complex structure, so it’s very difficult to pinpoint what causes pain, and imaging doesn’t show everything exactly. So there may be something but they can’t be able to pinpoint.

he does go acupuncture, it has slightly worked but there hasn’t been a massive improvement. The pain can also be somatic, so that’s the difficult part. He was also thinking of CBD oil but it’s very expensive

Unless you are a professional in the mental health field you can't help him, other than to continue to encourage him to seek help for his health anxiety (which may be part of the pain issue). If he refuses to help himself then you can refuse to be at his beck and call. His parents can take over that role.

Other than that all you can do is accept that, in essence, you are a separated parent and to make sure you get all the benefits due to you.

Move on , he’ll never be any use to you .

Also, beware him transferring his very obvious health anxiety to your children.

I’m struggling to find him much sympathy and all my sympathy is for you. How selfish is the that he expects you to hang around on his days off as he’s lonely. He has zero consideration for how busy, drained you must be holding the whole family together by yourself.

i would be inclined to say you can support him as a friend but you want to separate. Then you can claim some UC top ups and start working on a new structure for childcare etc that reflects the fact you don’t have a proper partner in him.

we do hang around yes, but he then leaves me with the kids and walks off. So I have to try manage walking with both of them ( they love to run around due to their young age), and it’s impossible to keep up with him.

I have raised this issue many times with him, but he says it’s because he has pains, and also because people are watching us and envying us that we are a couple with kids. And how people are staring.

so I told him to at least take one child with him so I can manage the other. As the children see him ahead and suddenly try to cross the road after him ( as he doesn’t wait at the lights or even if he does by the time we get to him it changes and cars start moving).

or just in general when I am carrying the shopping basket, he doesn’t handle
the kids so im left walking like a crazy women after them and at the same time
trying to shop.

He doesnt speak to his mum either, as he gets anxiety from her. He says he is traumatised by her treatment when she was a child and teenager and even in adulthood ( he was not able to say no to her due to her constant silent treatments and manipulations).

I don’t know if there is actually a financial solution. Me and the kids live with my parents but they have their health issues as they are elderly, and I feel like I am putting them at risk because of how much the kids catch airborne viruses. But i don’t have anymore option as I won’t be able to afford private rent - ( maybe I could if I increased to full time) but again, I would have to find someone to look after the children, do the drop of and pick ups, which means more money which I definitely can’t afford.
its so embarrassing to be in this position, as I never thought I would. Prior to kids I worked full time all my life and hoped to be able to build a loving family.

I’m saying this as a woman who was married for 14 years to a man with severe and enduring mental health problems.

He sounds totally unable to be a father. You need to prioritise your children and your own health. Someone as ill as this may have difficulty recognising the needs of others.

It’s absolutely classic that he won’t take prescribed meds but wants to try CBD oil, which is equally as likely to have side effects. It sounds as if he hates giving up any form of control.

My husband was nothing like this - he was a lovely man - but I do nonetheless recognise the issues. I think given all the investigations that have been done, it is most likely that the pain is somatic. It gives him much more ability to control you at the moment.

You can say no. No, you need a day to yourself. Get a different phone and give the number to nursery or school, then turn the number he has off. I’m afraid he won’t react well but you really do need to look after yourself.

My red line was that I wasn’t his doctor or his nurse, I was his wife. He can talk about health problems to health professionals or therapists.

(Btw somatic pain is real. It’s just managed differently).

This sounds utterly bizarre of him. And frankly unacceptable even if he's in pain.

Obviously he wont be up to having sex with you, so that's one way you can focus on the kids

All you can do is focus on the kids and leave him to get well. He has his family to support him. If he can't support you, he needs to focus on getting well so he can support you xx

This has gone on a long time and he won't help himself by taking pain meds. I'd leave him and focus upon the DC.

Everyone and everything is the problem but him, you can't do anything till he gets the proper medication. I certainly wouldn't want him looking after a young child alone tbh. Pain can come from severe mh stress and if he is choosing not to get the appropriate medication then put yourself and your kids first. One of my friends had a dh very similar it was always her and there daughters the problem, after years of not taking medication for mood swings etc etc she left got her own place with the now teenage girls. Everyone is much happier and her still dh can have as many mood swings as he wants alone in his because he still chooses not to make use of help and meds.