Supporting husband with mental health issues while caring for two young children

[Kardelen]

Hi,
so my husband has been going through mental health issues for about 1.5 years. He has spiralled many times, and now is living at my in-laws while I am with our young two kids ( under5).

tried a lot of things in the past, he tried cbt- which didn’t work according to him. Didn’t try anti depressents or anxiety meds as he has health anxiety and is worried about side effects.

he says he is in a lot of pain, and that brings his mood down, but refuses take pain relief as he said he tried two before and it gave him side effects. I have been to numerous doctors appointments with him, he has numerous scans, but nothing can explain why he is in so much pain. He does have some issues with his spine, impingements, but the doctors are in agreement that it shouldn’t be this painful, and also does not have any explanations to all the pain he is going through.

he is unable to look after the kids on his own. And he says he needs to force himself out as he doesn’t even want to go out as he is worried he will have a heart attack and die on the street. ( but he also does not want to stay at home under his family’s presence as feels uncomfortable.

I am trying to manage work, two kids, their schools and everything that comes with looking after them as he can’t manage.

i want to help him some how, but I just don’t have the energy. Am I a bad person? I have tried so many times before. I also have been driving him around, meeting on my days off as he constantly wants to do things to keep himself occupied so he doesn’t think of the pains.
every Day he messages and expects to do something, or go out somewhere and I’m finding it very difficult to manage. Mental health services seems like they don’t understand what’s going on, or how to help.

I think you post quite a lot about this very difficult situation. Honestly I think this is more about him choosing to check out of family life with young kids than any actual health issues. He seems very happy to be manipulating you and totally unwilling to do anything himself that might mean he could support you more and really be a husband and active father to the kids.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what separating would be like in terms of practicalities and finances? Does he add anything positive to your life at this point?

Poor man. Sounds awful. Has he been referred to a pain specialist? It must be awful to live with something but not know what is wrong. If he is scared of using medication for this it might be worth having a word with your GP and talk about options that dont have so many side effects. Alternative therapy might also be another option (acupuncture? Massage?), I never tried but worth a shot.

Sounds like it is taking a toll on you too, so it might be time to be more open and tell him how you feel. Even if it is just to have a few days ‘off’ keeping him entertained and suggesting some solo trips that might take his mind off such as the cinema or walks or is there some family that can also meet him (his mum or dad or siblings/friends?).

If I was in this position I'd be making it very clear that as I'm looking after two small children with no support that there is no capacity to look after another adult. He needs to seek support from elsewhere as you have to focus on your kids.

He has been referred to the pain specialist, they said they can give him steroid injections and see if that works but it’s not 100% guranteed. And that the spine has a complex structure, so it’s very difficult to pinpoint what causes pain, and imaging doesn’t show everything exactly. So there may be something but they can’t be able to pinpoint.

he does go acupuncture, it has slightly worked but there hasn’t been a massive improvement. The pain can also be somatic, so that’s the difficult part. He was also thinking of CBD oil but it’s very expensive

Unless you are a professional in the mental health field you can't help him, other than to continue to encourage him to seek help for his health anxiety (which may be part of the pain issue). If he refuses to help himself then you can refuse to be at his beck and call. His parents can take over that role.

Other than that all you can do is accept that, in essence, you are a separated parent and to make sure you get all the benefits due to you.

Move on , he’ll never be any use to you .

Also, beware him transferring his very obvious health anxiety to your children.

I’m struggling to find him much sympathy and all my sympathy is for you. How selfish is the that he expects you to hang around on his days off as he’s lonely. He has zero consideration for how busy, drained you must be holding the whole family together by yourself.

i would be inclined to say you can support him as a friend but you want to separate. Then you can claim some UC top ups and start working on a new structure for childcare etc that reflects the fact you don’t have a proper partner in him.