Anyone else anxious about returning to work after a difficult maternity leave

[DaringMember]

I am supposed to go back to work in a month and I am incredibly anxious.

I thought maternity leave would be this beautiful bonding time and the best period of my life, but instead it’s been one of the hardest times of my life. I had a horrible traumatic birth (emergency ceaser), two mental hospital admissions afterwards, struggled to bond with my baby, fought with family, and felt incredibly alone through most of it. I’ve spent so much of this year depressed, anxious, and just trying to survive each day.

Now suddenly I’m supposed to return to work and somehow manage being a parent too, when I barely feel like myself anymore. Everyone else seems to cope with motherhood and work and life, and I feel like I’ve completely failed and wasted maternity leave.

I don’t even know what I’m asking for exactly. This is perhaps a rant. But anyone else??

Hi OP, this sounds really tough.

Have you struggled to bond with your baby because they are quite demanding/high needs? Or has there been other stuff going on?

You might find that having baby in childcare and getting some time back to yourself helps you feel on a more even keel.

Are you receiving any ongoing mental health support? If not, it's probably worth another conversation with the HV or GP.

Struggling with children and mental health is so common. My kids leave me what feels like very little brain capacity to deal with other things, so when I'm having a tough time with my mental health everything feels so much worse. Give yourself some grace. There are many people who have less-than-perfect maternity leaves, and it can feel like such a disappointment when it's not what you expected. But you are raising a child for many years to come, and the things you are struggling with now may be a distant memory in the next 3,6,12 months.

Thank you.
My baby is "easy" in the scheme of things. She has slept through the night from 8 weeks. But doesn't mean I sleep through haha.
It is more just my extreme mental and physical trauma from the ceaser, my failure to breastfeed, bubs nicu stay, criticism from family members about it all. Also we have no support which is hard. I feel I am no longer even capable of performing my job.

I am really sorry to hear how hard maternity leave and adjusting to your new life has been. Firstly, mental health illness is physical illness, please don't judge yourself for 'wasting' your maternity leave, illness is not a decision and you can't just wish or think your way out of it. If you are not well enough to go back to work yet, speak to your GP now to get signed off, find out about OH at work if there is any, and look into financial support if you don't get much sick pay . Citizens Advice may be a start. I know it may sound like too much but take one small step at a time and this will help prevent a crisis later.

If you want or have to go back but feel overwhelmed, remember you were good at work before mat leave [or you would be fired before] and can be good again. If possible, talk with a manager you trust with kids or HR, tell them you are feeling a bit scared of the transition with your medical history and ask for a phased return [with a gp letter] or use some holiday to work less hours at first. Ask for some routine, low demand work to begin with. Catching up on e-learning and reading up on changes etc if you have a desk job are a 'soft' start. Ask to keep meetings to a minimum in week one until you feel more ready to catch up with colleagues etc.

Act like you would if you were physically sick, plan the absolute minimum you need to do at home, buy some easy foods or ask friends or relatives for something to keep in your freezer and bung in the oven. If you have friends you can ask to help you with housework or baby drop-off etc at first, explain you are dreading the change and ask for support at first. Get enough sleep and don't expect a lot of yourself.

Finally, all mums feel really guilty dropping little ones at nursery, or else guilty that they are relieved to have a break! Talk to anyone you know whose kids are in nursery or recently finished to get positive stories - most babies love it and thrive, and make little friends.

Sorry this is super long. I wish you the best and good luck whatever you decide.

I am sorry you had a tough time. I also had a difficult maternity with my second …planned section that went wrong, ended up with drains and transfusions, multiple hospital stays and being discharged with sepsis. I said the first 6 weeks of my babies life were stolen from me because of that.

You then have the added pressure of family feuds to this may have been difficult. I must admit around 8 months I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore. I didn’t know how to dress, I was just mummy not pinkzanysquid…I can empathise with how you are feeling.

I do think work brings a sense of routine and normality though. I can have a chat with my colleagues and have my lunch in peace without someone all over it. I joke work sometimes is a break because family life can be crazy in amongst all this.

Do you have any support for you? Have you spoken to anyone about it all as sounds like you may have birth trauma

I struggled through mat leave. It felt incredibly isolating. I looked forward to it when I went back to work not all of us are meant to be stay at homes me mums.

That all sounds really, really hard, no wonder you are struggling! Are you accessing therapy and meds now?
I’m currently on maternity leave with my second, going back in July. Nothing like as difficult as your situation, but I’m really not enjoying this time - baby is really Velcro, fussy, doesn’t like naps and I definitely feel I can’t get anything done and am wasting the time. But I do remember from last time that going back to work was actually amazing for my mental health - I loved the routine, having adult conversations and just being myself. Baby took a few weeks to settle into nursery but now it’s a home from home and she is so happy there! And I really enjoyed the evenings and weekends I spent with her, in a way I couldn’t appreciate fully time SAHM life. I was so much calmer and more patient for a few hours a day! So now I’m just clinging on to sanity for a few more weeks until I can go back and we get more of a routine built around that.
Hopefully you like your job and colleagues well enough - if so I think it’s quite likely you will find going back to work much better than you expect.

im so sorry you feel this way. I’m sure you’re doing much better than you think you are.
if this is your first child, it’s really hard to go back to work even without the challenges you’ve had.
Don't go back to work if you’re not ready. If you have to go off sick for a while this also usually means that you don’t have to repay your half pay portion. Put yourself and baby first. X

You may find that going back to work will focus you and you'll enjoy it.

Sorry you've had such a hard time. I had a bad birth first time too, I had a big PPH and couldn't breastfeed as my body had gone through so much it literally produced nothing. That affected me a lot, and 5 years later I still feel sadness when I think about it, so I appeciate it must be hard whilst in the thick of it with so much other stuff going on.

You may actually find that going back to work helps you to feel a bit more yourself. My second was a really fussy baby, he was a clinger with terrible colic, and I can genuinely remember one single day of my whole leave where he was happy all day. I work FT which does have it's challenges, but I have routine and a lunch break to myself which helps me a lot mentally.

I found maternity leave hard too. I set my expectations too high and try so hard to be a perfect parent.
I've been back at work now 3/4 months and I've found my mental health much better. Yes I'm exhausted juggling a difficult job with a wild 1 year old, feel a lot of guilt whilst being away BUT I'm grown up me again at work with responsibilities. I was worried sick about going back but it's been the best thing for me I think. I had 12 months maternity + annual leave so was off for a long time

My 2nd is recently out of NICU. It's difficult to explain but having a newborn sized baby to care for 8 weeks post birth is hard. It feels like I've spent my mat leave split between my toddler at home and baby in hospital.

I did like being back at work. I won't lie most days I worked I got the absolute bare minimum done beyond feeding the toddler and work. But that is ok.

Hi, so sorry to hear this. Speak to hv team or your GP prob quicker cos you’ll be prioritised in the nhs for therapeutic support until your baby is 1 year old to support you with your thoughts and feelings about it all and as I therapist myself I would highly recommend it from the sounds of what you’re saying. You’ve had an incredibly hard experience xx

Oh bless you. I could have written this. It's so tough, isn't it?

I was fortunate enough to be able to add another 6 months unpaid leave onto my maternity leave. It made all of the difference. By that time, little one was settled in nursery, and I was chomping at the bit to get back to the office. I was never as effective as before, but coped.

Even if you can't take extra leave, hang onto the fact that your head will come back, life will get easier - and you don't have to excel at work. Do your best, be good enough, and get through . . .

so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time - sending hugs. I can’t tell you how much going back to work helped my mental health. You just have a bit of space from the baby to recover and get some structure back in your life. It’s a transition back but one that moves you out of the all consuming bit of having a baby and a bit more into a varied life

I'm sorry that you've had such a tough year and such a traumatic birth experience. I can relate to some extent in that my mental health was really poor after the birth of my child and it took a long time to recover. I still struggle on and off now but I do feel that having the balance of work has helped me feel more like me again, and I value the time with my child more because I feel that I have had some defrag time (even if it is work). My little one has also got a lot out of nursery and the experiences they have there.

I think it is hard when you go back and everyone asks about this magical experience that you might feel has been lost to you (like I did to a certain extent), but birth, postpartum and motherhood is far more brutal than for some reason it seems socially acceptable admit! If you're really struggling, you can absolutely extend your mat leave (if you can afford to) or speak to a GP about being signed off or seeking more support. Work has survived without you, they can wait a bit longer if needed.

There will be many wonderful years ahead so try not to worry about this last one, and good luck.

Hi OP, i'm sorry youve had such a tough time 💐. I also had a tough mat leave with DD1 - baby in NICU, PND etc. Personally I found going back to work a relief. DD1 went to a great nursery, i felt like I got myself back, thought about non baby related things and generally felt like a better person when at home as a result. It did take a while to settle back in and definitely your priorities change, but before long it felt like i hadnt been away. We all got ourselves adjusted to the new routine in no time. Good luck and keep talking / sharing in the meantime.

Edit to add, I would also have a think about what you want to say to colleagues. I rehearsed a little script with DH and in the mirror before I went back because I was still at the point of crying anytime anyone asked about DD. Having a script helped me to keep it light without minimising or going into too much detail. I used to say things like "thanks for asking. She was actually very poorly at birth so we've both had a really tough time, but shes doing really well now and its great for me to be back catching up with everyone." Knowing I could just deploy that line helped me a lot.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, your experience was very similar to mine. So please don’t think you are alone.

I had a horrible maternity leave with DC2, which I do think was a result of the missed miscarriage I had before. Plus all the issues I had with it - An overnight stay in hospital, followed by an operation months later.

I felt so alone during this time, as people just didn’t understand and like you I fell out with my husband and my Mum. I feel they let me down massively - even to this day I’ve said to my husband I’ll move on but won’t forget it.

When I did return to work, I referred myself through the employee assistance programme and was provided with counselling sessions. Finally someone understood and on my first session said to me “I hear you and I get it”. She worked with me and helped me work through my thoughts and feelings.

3 years on, life feels like it’s back on track. I’m managing with both DC and after my DC2 hit particular milestones life felt a bit easier.

I do look back on my maternity leave with sadness as I just wasn’t fully present to enjoy it. I also feel guilty as DC2 was so small but I can’t change the past.

Please be king to yourself, I promise you it won’t be this hard forever x

You've not failed mat leave, you've survived. I understand though as my first mat leave was like this as it was COVID, and then my second I had PND but didn't realise. And trust me when I say not everyone thrives, being a parent is incredibly tough.

It will be a big transition going back to work but it does get easier, be gentle on yourself :)

This. Routine, identity, sense of self, adult conversation, using your skills, accountability.

Does many the world of good.

I was in a mother and baby unit when my maternity leave finished so I went on sick leave. I had a month off work and then started a phased return. It took 3 months to work up to 4 days a week and decided to stick there and dropped from full time to 4 days. I had that day for me and baby and at 15 months I got my "maternity leave" experience that I had missed out on during my actual maternity leave.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Being a parent is hard without having other things thrown into the mix.

Not quite the same as you as I enjoyed mat leave (more so with my first) but I was dreading going back to work, purely because I had to trust others with my little one and would miss her etc etc. But honestly, after two weeks I was happy to be back. Work gave me a break from being mum and having the routine of work back was needed. Adult conversation was a bonus too!
Returning might just be what you need so just take each day as it comes.
I do have to say though, working with two children kicked my ass for the first year after returning to work, I’ve never been so tired. I’m a teacher so it is like being ‘mum’ 24/7

I had a very difficult maternity leave too after a traumatic birth and bonding problems with my baby. When I look back at it I feel extremely anxious and also regretful that I didn’t have this wonderful year of new motherhood that I’d hoped for. For me going back to work was my saviour and what made me feel like me again, I even think it improved my relationship with my child. So perhaps it will end up being a positive thing for you too.