Struggling and just need to share

[Bonbon86]

I don’t really know why I’m writing this other than I can’t seem to carry it around quietly anymore.

I feel completely lost in my own life. Since my marriage ended, the loneliness has slowly become something heavy and constant. Not just “being alone”, but feeling emotionally disconnected from everything. The people I’m closest to live far away, so most days there’s no real adult connection, no shared life, no small moments, no feeling of being important to anyone in the everyday sense.

I changed jobs hoping for stability and a fresh start due to rounds of redundancy, but instead I feel like I’m disappearing. My role feels like a dead end. I’m underused, unstimulated and going backwards mentally and the hybrid set up and lack of office contact doesn't help. My brain feels less engaged as time goes on, like I’m slowly becoming smaller and less capable in a life that already felt hard to hold together. I don’t feel valued there, and honestly I’m starting to wonder if I bring value anywhere.

Now I’m also dealing with a medical issue that’s painful, stressful and humiliating to even think about, while waiting for answers and likely surgery. It’s just become one thing after another.

I look around at other people in my family and feel like the one who never really made it. The runt of the family. The one who never quite succeeded at life, never found where they fit, never became someone worth being. And when everything piles together, the loneliness, the lack of purpose, the feeling of failing at work and in myself, I genuinely start wondering what the point of everything is.

The only thing I know for certain is that I look at my children and hope they grow into people who feel more fulfilled, connected and worthwhile than I ever have.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. ❤ Maybe the reason you decided to share this is that something in you wants to try to address this.

It is entirely possible to make changes to navigate to a place you find fulfilling. The first step is trying to understand where you’re at and how you ended up there. What makes you happy, feel alive or connected? Do you ever have ideas about things you might like to try?

Everyone needs connection with other people. Can you build this into your life, regular phone calls with friends, more contact with people locally/make friends near to you? You might have depression, do you have other symptoms? Maybe worth investigating.

Medical issues can be tough but try to stay positive, once you’re treated you should feel better and more able to tackle things.

@delectabletea I don’t really have anything specific I want to try job-wise at the moment. I think part of the problem is that the choices I’ve made recently feel like mistakes, so I’ve stopped trusting my own judgement and I’m scared of making another wrong move.

I do have a few people locally and I see them when I can, but it’s all planned in around work, kids and schedules. I think I managed that better in my old job because I still had daily contact with people, coffees, chats, lunches, just normal human interaction. Even when I felt lonely, it was manageable, although I did regularly have weeks when I fell into a "hole" and struggled to get out of it.
Now, outside of arranged meet-ups, I rarely have any adult contact. My office is often empty, and Teams calls feel very transactional, conversations with profile pictures rather than real connection. What I miss most is the casual day-to-day interaction you don’t have to plan in or force.

I definitely want to figure out how to sort my life out but also feel like I've been down this road before and I keep ending up back at the same place. When you are 40 and your emergency contact is your dad who lives almost 4 hours away it just hits hard when you already feel a bit s*#t you know.
I get that it won't last, but just right now it's all a bit much.

I've been on medication for depression and anxiety before and think that in reality I'm not at that point where the negatives for meditation outweigh the positives.

It sounds like you really need regular human interaction so how could you build this into your life? Volunteering, join a sports team, or a co-working space? It doesn’t sound like your current set up is fulfilling and I don’t blame you, we’re hard wired to need human interaction. Maybe your current job can’t provide what you need, or maybe it could with some changes - can you speak to your boss? Even small changes will help, for now at least.

If you feel like job changes were mistakes, perhaps you need to break down what happened, and whether you did actually make the best choices for you when you made those moves. We all make decisions that aren’t the best sometimes.

Meanwhile, take care to not let yourself fall into a hole. Prioritise sleep, and exercise, even a short walk is better than nothing. Make sure you’re contacting friends regularly, so you’re having meaningful conversation with an adult on a weekly basis. You’ve got this.

@delectabletea thank you. I feel like I had started to get a grasp on some things before and was regularly exercising. I was still low but the festive period is like that when you are alone and I knew last year things had slowly got better as the mornings got lighter.
This year I know I was in a bad place in my last job, but I think a lot of that was that festive down and the redundancies looming meant I made a leapt and hoped. And it hasn't panned out and now I feel trapped and unsure. My routine has completely changed due to the change in set up, office travel when I am in means longer days, the home days I have my kids so exercise has dwindled (and the medical issue means it can be uncomfortable)

You are right that I need to see how I can find some human connection that doesn't feel booked din the calendar. Something that is regularly and casual.
I think I probably do need to figure out how I can move to a new job which has the contact I need, I'm not sure if it feesible or worth it until my medical issue is resolved as if I end up on a waiting list I could end up causing issues with a new employer if I had to take sick whilst still new. I'd feel terrible if that happened.

Aw you sound lovely and have been through some really tough times.when your married that's an identity of its own .You had to leave that behind and find a new way .Then a job move as well is very stressful.you are quite brave to do both of those things .Your medical issue is not your fault and beyond your control .Your employer is just going to have to accept that this can happen to anyone on day 1 of a job or 10 years in that's life.
I would focus on everything to feel healthy as your able.do you have a garden ? Mine it's a small square I call it my postage stamp.i do not have green fingers at all.
But I made it the cutest plastic flowered paradise .
I always buy bright vibrant fake plants ,hanging ones fake roses bushes lol ,I don't care I got some cheap deckchairs and cushions .cheers me right up .
Make your home your oasis .not easy with children
Then think that this right now is a small moment in time ,nothing stays the same .
Put you and your health at top of your priority
You matter.when feeling a little stronger think of new job in future .you can do it.
As for medication please don't rule it out .
You can try something new could really work
Nothing ventured nothing gained .
You could allow yourself a set time to see if they work .
Your a working mum with a medical issue to deal with .
Give your self a pat on the back .
This to will pass .x