Panicked about returning to work after time off for depression

[Barbequebeans64]

I'm currently signed off work, and have been for 6 weeks. I had a pretty severe depressive episode and felt suicidal and couldn't function. I'm feeling a bit better than I was, the anxiety has taken hold now just to balance things out.

I'm signed off work until monday but I feel so panicked about returning. My manager is very supportive but has made a couple of comments about the company not being the right fit for me and not wanting to see it destroy me and it's just made me panic even more. It wasn't the best timing for her to say it because I definitely don't have the confidence right now to go out and job hunt. I don't have much sick pay left and can't afford to live on SSP so will probably have to force myself back regardless of how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling panicked about it all. I just don't really know what to do. I'm seeing a therapist and swapped antidepressants when the episode happened because my old ones just weren't working anymore, so I'm still building up to the strength I need. I have young kids and I find them very overwhelming most of the time. I feel like a huge failure of everything at the moment and this feels like a long dark tunnel.

You really don’t sound like a failure to me, you sound like someone who’s been struggling for a long time and finally hit a wall. It makes complete sense that going back to work feels scary, especially when you’re still trying to get stable again. I can also see why your manager’s comments upset you, even if she meant them kindly. Please don’t think you need to figure everything out right now... your job, your future, all of it can wait a bit. Right now it’s enough just to keep going, keep taking the help, and get through one day at a time.

You don’t sound like a failure at all, it must be overwhelming, you’ve been through a lot. Can you do a phased return? I have bipolar and returned to work after 7 weeks off last year, I did a phased return by gradually increasing my hours and days over a period of a few weeks, it helped massively, occupational health sorted it out but I think your GP can request you go back on reduced hours in your fit note. Hang in there, as PP said, one day at a time.

I’m in similar position to you OP, I’ve had 6 weeks off with bipolar depression and need to go back to work. My meds still aren’t quite right but I had an occasional health appt and we decided to go for phased return in next week or two I think it’s normal to be reluctant when you’ve been off a while with mental health problems as it knocks your confidence. Can you do phased return? They said so me to try 50% of normal hours to begin with then build it up. Also to have small breaks scheduled in for a breather.

Thanks @MarmadukeM @PinkPanda99 @SerenitySeeker4 for replying.

I have felt a little brighter today, hooray for the sunshine. I'm going to try a phased return starting next week I think

That’s great to hear OP :)

Great that you have a plan - glad you have had a good day 😀💕

Have you gone back?
I went into today and stayed a few hours - felt quite overwhelming but is step in right direction. If you have gone back I hope it’s gone well for you x

@MarmadukeM I did a few hours too. I was exhausted afterwards and so full of adrenaline. Are your work being supportive?

Yes they are, they want to make things as easy as possible for me which is lovely of them. But it’s a small place and everyone kind of knows each others business which meant that there were a lot of well intentioned questions and I felt as though there was an expectation that I am doing great as I have come back when I actually feel quite mentally slowed down and still pretty depressed. One of my colleagues was like ‘im so excited you’re back’ and I thought ‘I’m like an empty shell, I wouldn’t get too excited!’ so I kept kind of going off inside my own head and having to pull myself out of it and then I was panicking that because it feels difficult then I’m doing the wrong thing going back so soon 🤯 my CPN and psychiatrist have literally told me I need to get back to stop the sitting ruminating at home so I’m trusting their judgement but I feel I doubt/worry about everything and anything at the minute!

Also yeah I get what you mean re the adrenaline - so now I’m thinking ‘oh my sleep and anxiety is going to get even worse now because I put myself in stressful situation going to work and pretending I’m fine’
its like having an unwelcome visitor in my head skewing everything into a negative

@MarmadukeM totally understandable. Just do what you can, you're only human. And you should feel proud of what you achieved today because it's bloody hard getting back to work after time off without battling your own mind too

Thanks xxx same to you ! Big up ourselves 😂