Help I’m drowning! Postnatal, Perimenopause, possible ADHD&Autism, hypothyroid and a bucket load of family problems.

[WishfulThinkingToday]

Where do I start? Sorry for the long story.

At 46 years old, I am almost 2 years postnatal and ever since the birth I have felt like I am hanging on by a thread. I had postnatal anxiety, and then my thyroid (and back gave out), and then perimenopause raised its head again.

Worst of all, I can’t think - I have pretty bad brain fog, up to the point where I spent five minutes remembering the word ‘bridge’ for my toddler. Some days I can’t even get my children’s names right and I am constantly saying the wrong words. The children think it is hilarious, but I worry something is wrong. I can’t remember where I put things, and the running joke is that ‘if you want something hidden, give it to Mummy’.

My oldest daughter has just been diagnosed with ADHD and will be diagnosed with autism. We are extremely similar, and I realise that I probably have the same traits. All my other children (barring the baby and one other) are being assessed because they have similar traits too. I have a messy house and am too overwhelmed to start, I find social interactions very difficult and (even though I am smiling) I overthink everything from how much I am smiling, have I said the right thing, have I given them enough eye contact…. It is uncomfortable, and I am usually relieved when I leave toddler sessions. I also have audio processing delay and it makes my husband grouchy that it takes a while for words to make sense in my head before I can respond (especially if I am tired). I hate having people in my house, even my mother and father, it feels strange (almost like they are crowding me, in my space).

Since the birth of my daughter I have found social interaction so difficult (especially family) that I didn’t turn up to my brother’s wedding (too stressful), and I haven’t seen my side of the family for a year. My Mother has had a huge argument with me because she has not seen her baby granddaughter for that time, and I told her that I just dont want to see anyone yet.

On top of that, my son has come out as trans, my daughter has been hurting herself with scissors and threatened to kill herself in the bath (so we have locked all potential threat away, including bath plug), my other son has an ex girlfriend try and kill herself because they broke up. My oldest daughter is barely holding it together before A level exams (she needs 4xA* for Cambridge), and spends days looking sad and crying, whereas my other son wont even look at his GCSE mock exam revision.

I don’t know where to start to untangle this mess…. Any ideas???

Sounds like you have a lot of kids its going to be a lot then add in ND.
Weve had a similar few years with audhd 14yo.
Im also struggling with memory as similar age and untreated hypo.

I’m the same and have ND kids. Your daughter going for Cambridge is prob ND and highly anxious. You all need support. Does the school know about your daughter?

Yes, I thought 5 kids wasn’t too bad until this year when everyone’s problems came at the same time! It has been crazy.

My memory is so bad I am worried about returning to work when my little one is old enough. How do you cope with the brain fog?

You need to look at rebalancing your hormones. If you can afford to go to a private menopause clinic - just do it - you will be listened to and it’s all gentle steps. Best thing I ever did. Women get brushed off by saying life is busy / chaotic but they never say this to dads

Yes, we are all anxious and struggling. The schools know everything, from the neurodiversity investigations for all the children, to the self-harm and critical care in hospital of my 11 year old DD (they have my daughter supervised with a buddy system all day just in case, and we pick her up/drop off from college).

We had a family meetings after going to hospital, and I asked the children what we could do to make our environment happier. It just feels like everyone is stressed or depressed. Of course, being stroppy teenagers they didn’t like the idea of more family time or taking health walks with me.

Thank you - that might be a good place to start. I didn’t know whether to try counselling myself, go the hormone route or just do what I used to do and exercise all my demons away. Everything feels so overwhelming.

So sorry this sounds really hard. Get a new thyroid panel done as well as
the hrt as the symptoms are indistinguishable.
You sound isolated with many issues,
i you can find a trusted professional to help you.
all the very best

Early Help? Linking in with the schools. I'd see the daughter who self harms as a priority but tbh it sounds like the family needs support too. Is there a partner to help?

Yes, really hard. I have already got the thyroid medication, but it hasn’t really helped with tiredness and brain fog, so I assume it must be perimenopause. So I need to try hrt (after research).

I am more isolated than normal - I used to be able to talk to my mother, but my teenage children have asked that I keep their confidence, so I can’t. This makes me scared to speak to her in case something slips out, I hate not being able to speak freely. My Mother knows something is different and she doesnt feel close to me anymore and feels hurt. We stopped talking this past couple of weeks, and it has been hard.

Oh she is definitely a priority. She was looked after by CAHMS, and the school and we are trying to find a reachable paediatric psychiatrist (no car) to advise us.

My DH is very supportive. I couldn’t have done this without him - I literally fell apart when I got the phone call from school telling us about a letter she gave them (stating self-harm and suicidal plan). I couldn’t hold it together, kept crying, at the hospital I couldn’t function very well and I think the shock just made the brain fog worse and so speaking to all the people was hard (doctors / CAHMS / social services / school). He took a few days off work to sort this out with me, and stayed with DD in hospital so that I could take the 2 year old to sleep at home.

Yes, we all need help. We have private healthcare and most of us are getting assessed for neurodiversity (if this is why there is so much stress and sadness), and I talked to the other children to see if they would like some counselling, and they said no. I think I will keep at it to see if they would change their mind.