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Mental health

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Original poster

Sad to be moving

27 replies

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 11:16

I feel stupid feeling this way, but I suppose what I am going through is just a phase. So bear with me....

Dh got a job on Tuesday and we have to move to Bristol or thereabouts. He starts work in a fortnight and, as the company are renting a house for us, I thought I might as well just up sticks and go with him then, rather than wait. I want to move to Bristol and I don't really have any friends where I am now, so why am I crying at the thought of leaving it all behind? We haven't told the children yet but will have to do so tonight and I am dreading their reaction. They didn't want to move when it was a possibility last year and I know they will feel the same now. I can understand their sadness at leaving behind friends, after school groups, a familiar school, etc and I know they will soon replace all that, but why do I feel so sad too? I have very little going for me here and I was sad last year when we didn't move, so I feel really contrary crying now that we are going to. I have never been good with change I suppose.

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starlover · 27/01/2005 11:38

Hi lonelymum

don't feel stupid, change IS a scary thing... however much you want it. It isn't a bad thing to cry... you shouldn't feel bad about the way you feel.
Perhaps, like myself, you don't like not feeling in control? I get incredibly upset and stressed when things are happening that I have no control over... even things that in my heart I really want!
You can't help the way you feel, so please don't beat yourself up about it!

Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 12:30

I know you are right but dh is not very tolerant of the fact that I am crying all over the place. He keeps saying "I thought you wanted to move!". I do, but he can't understand my sadness at leaving. It is like leaving behind a part of yourself, even though I keep telling myself the only things I want to keep (dh and my children) I am keeping.

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EnlightenedFlum · 27/01/2005 12:34

Its absolutely natural. Change is always difficult, not to mention upheaval.

Bristol is a great city though. I lived there from 0-9 so don't remember much about it. Sadly lost my lovely west country drawl.

Its a great place though, very multicultural, lots of things to do.

I have fond memories of St Andrews Park and Bristol North Swimming Baths.

sallystrawberry · 27/01/2005 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 12:37

Feel so sad. It just seems to be getting worse and worse today.

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EnlightenedFlum · 27/01/2005 12:41

I cried this morning coz I burnt the scrambled eggs. You however have somethign very valid to cry about. Crying v. cathartic.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 12:43

I know that and that is why I am letting it all out because I think in a few days time I won't feel like cryig at all. Trouble is, I'm getting such a headache! I keep going away and trying to do housework but somehow that just reminds me of what I am leaving! What a bum day this is turning out to be.

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EnlightenedFlum · 27/01/2005 12:46

Ok then lets look on the bightside (never helps but its what we always try to do)

Bristol v. nice
Kids will get cool accents
Husband has new job
Lots of new places to explore
You may be able to change your nickname to:

SoManyNewFriendsIDon'tHaveTimeForMumsNetAnymoreMum

Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 12:46

Weak

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Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 12:51

Alternatively, to be negatively positive:

What I don't like about where I am:

too far from the shops, swimming pool, cinema, theatre, etc
no real friends
ds1 has no friends and may be being bullied at school
house is too small and boring and garden is definitely too small
have exhausted all the local attractions
can't think of anything at the moment. May come back to it.

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SkiBunnyFlummy · 27/01/2005 13:01

V. good. Enjoy your wallow though!!

doggiewalker · 27/01/2005 13:05

Lonelymum, sorry you're feeling this way. You probably know deep in your heart that it is going to be the best thing though. We don't have to move now, and I still don't know how I feel about it, I was distraught initially at the thought of having to move and now that we don't, I'm still not happy.

It does sound though that it is going to be a good thing. At least your dh has got a job (well-done to him) and you all have chance for a new start. Change can be a terrifying thought though can't it.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 27/01/2005 16:54

Have just told the children and none of them were happy. (well except for ds3 who is too young to be told!) Ds1 hides his feelings, dd had a huge cry and then said she wanted a house with a garden big enough for a horse (so grief over!) but ds2 is still distraught. Don't know what to say to him. He is only 7 and we have lived here nearly 5 years so it is his whole world we are leaving behind. It is no good saying you will make new friends as he wants to stay with the ones he has now! This is so so hard.

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MessedUpAsAMum · 27/01/2005 23:03

Well your dd has won over, and ds3 is too young, so two more to go. That's halfway there already. It is a big change but you will all make new friends, 'cause you're new, the school-gates mums will all talk to you, and this time next year you'll be wondering why you were ever bothered about it.

Congrats to your dh for getting a job!

Original poster

Lonelymum · 28/01/2005 12:23

Still really tearful. Ds1's year group did the school assembly today and it was such a warm affair: he has known these children and we have known the parents for 5 years. I was right in there washing up the tea cups at the end and I had a really nice chat to the vicar's wife who does a lot in the school. God I feel part of the community and now I am going to be wrenched away. Apart from when I left London to get married (took 2 years to get over that) this is the hardest move I have ever made (and I have made a few). Sorry, just moaning on. Don't feel obliged to comment.

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blossom2 · 28/01/2005 12:27

I think you should be kind to yourself right now. Change is scary and any sort of move is sad, regardless of where to. Its good that you're letting yourself go through the emotions now rather than later.

We moved to paris a few months ago, either DD or myself speak the language. Because the move happened very quickly, i didn't give myself time to grieve and be sad for leaving. And so spent the first month just crying every night. I've made 2 good friends and things are going well now.

be kind to yourself!! it'll be fine

yoyo · 28/01/2005 12:45

We lived in our last place for four years and I had mixed feelings about moving too. The usual thoughts about changing schools, having to "fit in" again, leaving behind friends, etc. but it has been fine. The girls' school isn't a patch on the previous one academically but they are very happy there, the mums in the school yard are infinitely more friendly here, and there's definitely more to do. I have made lots of good friends but maybe not what you'd call "real" friends in that I wouldn't bare my soul to them! I would describe it as a sound network which I definitely didn't have before either. I do get lonely sometimes but I think that is because I am miles from family.

I do understand your anxiety but my experience has, on the whole, been a very positive one. My eldest DD (6.5 at time of move) was rather distraught when we first told her but really was fine when it happened. Try to be positive and they will soon come around to the idea honestly.

Hope my experience is a bit reassuring. Good luck.
(My DH is restless again so I may be going through it all again soon and then you can tell me how it's all worked out well for you!)

Original poster

Lonelymum · 28/01/2005 12:54

Thanks again. I do know in my heart of hearts that it will be fine although I have one negative experience to go on: when I was a child we moved from London to a small county town. I was 5 and only consider the county town my home but my brother was 8 and went straight back to London when he was 18 and has hardly left it since! He always says he resented being dragged from his friends there and he never really settled in our new hometown or considered it his home. Maybe that was because he likes the bright lights and city life and our new home was in a sleepy little town. I just worry about my 8 and 7 year olds feeling the same way, except that, if anything, we are going the opposite way as we are moving from a village to a big city (or near one anyway). Perhaps you could argue that teenagers prefer the city life and my brother was deprived of it but my children will be given it. I don't know.

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yoyo · 28/01/2005 13:07

But you may move again at some point and that might take you back to the country! If you weren't moving they wouldn't experience the excitement of a large city. They may absolutely love it - you just can't tell. It could be worse as you could have been moving somewhere extremely remote and I do think that would be much harder.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 28/01/2005 13:27

Please don't suggest this won't be our final move, at least before the children leave home!

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yoyo · 28/01/2005 14:11

Sorry, didn't mean to increase anxiety levels. My DH moved loads of times as a child but within a 30-mile radius (still had to change schools though). I think this is why he finds settling so difficult. I didn't move as a child - my mother has lived on the same estate all her life (late fifties now) - so I am more inclined to find that family home! It may happen one day I suppose.

Hope you're feeling better.

littlerach · 28/01/2005 14:21

Another plus is that you will be able to come to some meet ups nr Bristol!!

Seriously, I have read some of your posts and you have had a rough ride recently, you are bound to feel down and upset. The children will settle wherever you are as they have both of you, and that is what counts.

DH lived in Bristol and loved it, plenty to do whatever your interests.

Where are you moving from?

Original poster

Lonelymum · 28/01/2005 14:29

West Sussex. It has not proved to be the most exciting region to live, although I knew a move was on the cards all the time we were here really so maybe I subconsciously didn't put down roots. Except that I did because I now find it hard to consider uprooting! It might be nice to come along to a Mumsnet meet up in Bristol. You lot will be nearly the only people I know there!

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starlover · 28/01/2005 20:26

ooh lonelymum, i am in west sussex!

Original poster

Lonelymum · 30/01/2005 13:39

Whereabouts Starlover? Haven't you had that baby yet?!

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