Struggling to support husband

[EMDRwife]

My husband has reached crisis point this week. He started EDMR in autumn last year and MH has deteriorated progressively. I don’t feel I have handled it well but I have been living with his mental health problems for 6 years+ and feel detached and angry. So conflicted as he has every right to be struggling as he experienced SA as a child. His parents are absolute fuckwits who just tried to minimise when I reached out to them. I move between feeling sorry for him and then feeling like he needs to pull himself together. It hasn’t helped that he has been horrid to me at times. I feel like I am drowning and don’t know what to do. Trying to keep all the plates spinning

Ok Hey, didn’t want to read and run. I noticed you said he started EDMR in autumn and he’s gotten worse since then. It is a fundamental fact that EDMR style therapy may not be successful if the person is not ready to process the trauma or the trauma is still too complex (and it doesn’t get much more complex than childhood SA - I have two friends who were abused in this manner and both of them are just barely functioning as adults; this is why, and I know I sound ridiculous, but I think the punishment for child SA should be at least as serious as manslaughter, because that abuser has essentially murdered the adult that child could have become.)

But as for your husband, do NOT allow him to treat you badly. It’s unfortunate that he has been having mental health difficulties but that’s not an excuse for poor treatment. A short, sharp, “Hey! I know you’re struggling but it’s not okay to take it out on me.” He doesnt sound like he’s so mentally ill that he’s incapable of apologizing (maybe he is? But if so, the marriage is probably over because it’s impossible to be married to someone who doesn’t respect you enough to apologize).

Has medication been tried? EMDR didn’t work for me at all. They said I had been hypervigilant for so long that I just couldn’t relax enough for tthis treatment.

His sertraline has been increased this week and he has been prescribed diazepam as needed after an urgent GP appointment.

I removed the kids from the house and stayed at mums a few days to give him space. I kept in contact, WFH on Friday, checked in etc but felt for the kids I needed to prioritise them. We had a family wedding Saturday which he didn’t attend (I made up a story). Returned home after caring the load for 4 days, and just felt I couldn’t give him a hug. I was exhausted; he just started on me about it, how cold was, how unkind etc etc.

I think the marriage is over but have no clue what I do in terms of dealing with separating whilst he is in the throes of such an acute crisis. Despite feeling sorry for him, I actually think I hate him.

OP I am in the same position as you. I told my husband today that I want to separate, and my plan, which was to live in the same house but divide it up so we have our own space. DS1 is due to go to University in September so we will have a spare room, so could reconfigure the house. I would like a separate house really to properly separate. But realistically he would not be able to cope suddenly in his own house. I would have to continue 'caring' responsibilities anyway so we may as well live in the same house and save money and lessen disruption. He has not been able to hold down a job for 2 years so is on PIP. I have been referred for counselling after burnout from 2 years of up and down. I told him what my plan was, gave him a list of two things to do, which was call the crisis team and clean the bathroom, then I went out. He did neither. I was hoping me telling what I felt would be a rocket up his arse but apparently not. He said he didn't want to split so I have given him until my DS's A level exams have finished at the end of June to talk to someone/ come up with an alternative that does not mean me carrying on enabling him and him doing the same thing he has been doing for over 2 years (More like 20 years if I'm honest). I'm not hopeful he will come up with an alternative plan, so come June we will have separate zones and I will act as his carer and nothing else- remind him of doctors appointments, give him a list of chores, remind him to take his medication etc etc but other than that, for all intents and purposes, our marriage is over.

Sorry to hear you are struggling as well. I keep hearing similar stories and just think what is it about men? Very rarely hear about a woman having these sudden breakdowns outside of PND. My husband seems to need a lot nurturing. His own mother is incredibly cold, even when I reached out last week she said she knew he was struggling about our relationship as if I was the reason! Knew then that she wasn’t going to provide any help and have not bothered her since.

Met his psychologist with him today and she was excellent at making me feel seen, recognising the pressure and also reminding him he needs to take on some responsibility.

Honestly. I just dont understand it! I want to be sympathetic but if their mental health starts affecting our mental health, what then? Its like the men do it and then expect everyone else to just run around and be fine with it? DH's mum I think expects me to do everything for him. She makes excuses for him, and when I talk to her ( we get on well) says 'Oh you should do this and that. Well Ive bloody tried all of that. he wont make any effort at all. Hes saying that all the therapists keep telling him to do the same thing, but he doesnt try or engage in anything at all, so obviously its not going to work. Anyway...Im sorry there are at least 2 of us putting up with this shitshow.