I Don't Know What To Do

[Annabelle456]

I am currently in a really bad place mentally. I cry every day, so much my eyes and my head hurt. I sleep but wake up exhausted. When I open my eyes I remember everything and my anxiety kicks in immediately. I am not eating properly and I rarely leave the house.

I have a ND child currently going through the EHCP process who also has unresolved medical issues and has been experiencing bullying from children 5 years older than him at school since September last year. To top it off, these same children are causing us issues at home, so much that I worry about our safety. Home is not a relaxing place for me anymore, I hate being here, I feel like I am waiting for them to come back, I listen to every little noise, every voice. I am constantly on high alert and it is exhausting.

The school are useless, they say they will resolve the bullying but clearly they haven't. The police are involved with our home situation but again, they don't really seem to care.

What I want is to move house and move my kids school but my husband won't do it, he says it's too expensive to move and we haven't finished doing this one up yet. He says I'm running away which isn't the answer.
But then, what is the answer?
I've think about suicide frequently, but I can't leave my son, he needs me.

I don't feel able to talk to anyone I know about this but I don't know why, maybe I'm worried I'll be seen as over-dramatic, or weak, or maybe I just don't want to face it or be asked about it constantly. I just want it all to go away.
I used to think I was strong, I know now that I'm not. I'm really not.

My husband thinks I'm overreacting, that I am tearing us apart for no reason and that I need medicating. Medication won't solve any of these problems but I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life and I can't see a way out.

If I leave him, where do I go? I have no savings, all our money is tied up in the house. Do I want to leave him? I don't even know what I feel anymore.

I am so tired and I don't know where to turn.

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not overdramatic or weak. You’re exhausted by being in survival mode.

You can’t muscle your way out of feeling so rubbish. It’s so exhausting to feel unsafe at home, even without any of the other challenges you’re facing. It’s especially hard when your partner doesn’t get it.

I have really suffered with anxiety, depression, panic attacks etc during periods of ongoing stress. I wanted to stop existing. I chose not to medicate so I had to lean in very heavily to other strategies.

If there’s no one you trust to understand, please phone the Samaritans and tell them how low you’re feeling.
Can you speak to your GP to explore your options beyond medication?
Can you move your body a bit? Can you get out for a walk or into a garden? If not, can you do some giant steps - knees up high - around the house?
Try breathing in as if you’re breathing through a straw.
Making a deep ‘vuuuuu’ sound or humming as low as you can.
Put your hand over your heart, or hug yourself, or cup your face in your hands and speak kindly to yourself.

These might sound daft but they will help your body calm down.

They don’t resolve everything immediately but they’re all proven to help and have all been part of resourcing me to cope with the things I can’t change, and things HAVE got better - I’m much better able to cope and make decisions, even though some of the difficult stuff hasn’t gone away.

(I’m not on MN much and I may not have the chance to come back later, but I just wanted to reply to you so that you know someone is sending you strength and wishing you well. )

I'm so sorry with how hard things are for you. It sounds like you're dealing a lot, and I think you need to give yourself some credit with how much you have going on.

I know it's hard to do but speaking to your GP about how you're feeling would be a really good step. I know it's scary, I did it myself 6 weeks ago and whilst I'm still not great, I'm in a better place than I was.

Can you get time to yourself to do something for yourself. Simple things like be in nature/ outside. Practice breathing techniques (I know it's cliche but it has helped me)

Happy to listen if you need to talk here

This sounds so difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I know what you’re saying about medication but please see your gp. You may decide not to medicate but it’s really worth having g the conversation with your dr. Medication can just give you the chemical support your brain needs and then you can deal more clearly with the actual issues. Citizens advice may also be able to help with the bullying and how to get the help you need.

Thank you for the replies, it helped just writing it all down actually.

I'm feeling so angry at the school and the police who are supposed to be the ones helping and supporting us but aren't doing enough, I feel so alone with it all and very let down. Why is everything a battle?

I just want a peaceful life! The last 3/4 years have been so full of miserable crappy things, I wanted this year to be different. I have a big birthday this month but I can't look forward to any of the things I've arranged as I'm so worried about what might happen if I leave the house. The last time I arranged an evening out with my friend I had to cancel half an hour before as I had to call the police out for these yobs outside my house and I couldn't leave the kids alone. It's so debilitating, I just want my life back. I feel like I've put everything on hold just to deal with all these issues and I've lost myself. I hate the person I've become.

I will consider speaking with my GP, and thank you for the techniques I'll give them a go.