title, sorry this will be long but can I just talk about something I think about a LOT, what I mean is these outbursts I sometimes got I have honestly no clue how you would deal with it and its been like this FOREVER. I am even embarrassed when I talk to my mom because of it even tough she is not mad. But I must have been a terrible kid to have and I have no clue why I am still some times like this.
I always hear you are not supposed to bottle it up but it's not like. I can ever let it out either bec get these rages that feel seriously unstoppable and it's like pure hate and rage is flowing through every blood vessel in my body tingling all over and I just go ape as crazy as it sounds I would literally throw and smash my stuff up left and right fling my arms out and scream bloody murder but when I am done I am done for a long time and calm again as if nothing happened.
And goodness I wrecked so much stuff and threw tantrums all the damn time when I was kid I truly mean that it’s not even funny. I remember slamming a door so hard it cracked off the hinges, and throwing my kick scooter on purpose down the stairs into our basement and it bashed so loud my mom came rushing thinking I am destroying the house or whatever I mean it.
I had a bad situation once where I ran into my room and ruined it all. I flipped my desk threw whole drawers full of stuff against the walls, grabbed my nerf rifle and swung it blind around like a baseball bat knocked everything off the shelves and stomped on it, I hit the ceiling lamp and bust the light bulbs and guess my mom heard me thrashing my room and when she came in I swung it full speed at my bed post and it shattered into a million plastic pieces that hit us both and there was finally quiet for a second after the chaos and she just stood there and looked at me for a moment and said we gotta clean this up. She didn’t yell I didn’t get punished no nothing she juss wanted to help clean that ultra mess carnage I just caused. I legit felt like I broke 99% of all the stuff I even had on that day I am not kidding I remember my mom was picking up pieces of a cd player I had and whatver off my bed because there was stuff everywhere it looked like hell.
And she would buy me new things she would buy the complete same things again for me once she told me just don't do anything to anything that doesn't belong you and It know what she meant. Because I would't stop I would rip my beds sheets to shreds, I destroyed every Nintendo ds I ever had the ds lite, the 3ds and 3ds xl and I would rage when I lost at games or when my mom tried to take it away and stuff I would obviously throw it or whatever and with the last one I had the screen part held on with tape and it had to be open all the time and when I was giving it so someone or played with them every body always asked what the heck happened to it.
One time I was absolutely mad coming out of school and I threw all my stuff away I just saw a trash can on my way and threw it all in there mid walk. The whole bag my books and pens everything and in that moment I felt literally free I will never forget it because it was also heavy and my back was sweating under it and it was so freeing to get rid of it. But of course in the couple days after that every time in school in each hour the teachers would ask have you forgotten your things again and that was until my one of the teachers I hate came up and asked why I keep forgetting it and I told her I don’t even have any of that anymore. And I guess she called my mom or whatever because she actually got me the exact same bag that I had before and bought new books and just gave it all to me saying don't worry that I "lost it" and I was confused because she wasn't even angry I was like how do you even know.
Anyway my mom just forgave a lot, and she never made me feel like I am a bad person but I just feel like I have no control and it terrifies me to think back at these times like if I was someone else dealing with me I would have run away from me or something.
WHAT can you even do with thoughts and moments like that it costs so much energy to suppress that!!!! And do NOT tell me go therapy take this and that etc I would never ever trust any of that and much rather stick w it on my own. Has anyone else had a history of stuff like that happening where they feel like a loose cannon or whatever just rogue and you yourself do not know what you will do next but it just forces to be let out somewhere. I don’t even know how to describe I am sorry if it sounds dumb but can anyone please relate!!!!