Health anxiety - overwhelmed with fear

[WorriedWarthog]

I have said that you all might see a lot of posts from me. I'm sorry about that, if you find it annoying, but I have no one else to talk to and I'm always up, late at night, all by myself, scared out of my mind.

2 in the morning and I'm awake because I think I saw blood in some stool and now I have spent the last 4 hours researching colonoscopies.

Being the wrong side of 40 means almost every single thing could be the big C and I'm terrified of it and always have been.

I don't know when I developed this fear, or why, but it's been debilitating to me for my whole life. It's not getting better because I don't have the comfort of "you're too young" as reassurance, anymore.

I wish they could scan my whole body, once a year, and just tell me if I'm going to suffer or whatever the hell is going to happen or not. I'm so scared all the time. It's wrecking me emotionally, physically, mentally.

I use organic everything, or avoid what I can't get organically, out of fear. But, I didn't start this until very recently because I was never in the financial position to be able to buy organic.

I am eating a VLCD which is UPF (I think) but reading about overweight/obesity causing C made me think this was okay as a temporary measure to get my weight down.

Now, I'm scared I've increased risks by eating seed oils and whatever else is in the food. It's almost to the point I don't want to eat at all.

I think about all the years I drank alcohol (and still do) and convinced myself I've given myself C and just don't know it yet or it just hasn't been confirmed. I had a drink last night, to convince myself that it was okay to just enjoy life and relax, and now I'm terrified about this and my ongoing GI issues, so double whammy.

I think about all the years I used deodorant with aluminium and, apparently, tampons have arsenic in them which causes C.

I read about all the pesticides in coffee and I drink 10-12 cups a day of coffee which is not organic. I don't even know if that would make a difference, anyway.

I'm so scared. I feel like I want to run down the street screaming but I'm sat here, alone, in the dark, typing and hoping, hoping that nothing is wrong but I can't trust it - can't let my guard down.

I don't know what to do - thanks for reading.

You're not alone - I'm here. I can honestly relate. Are you on instagram/twitter by any chance as I have come across a lot of those ideas on those platforms. Not saying they are wrong but perhaps have a break whilst you're in turmoil like this. Being chronically online can really feed my anxiousness.

in my 20s my anxiety was heath focused and it's just horrible feeling like you live in a body you don't trust. I'm so sorry. Now I'm nearly 40 my anxiety has shifted to my kids and their health.

honestly the only thing that has given me peace during middle age anxiety is my faith in Jesus.

If you don't have a faith, perhaps reach out to your dr or a trusted family member for support. It sounds like you need help.

Has your anxiety always been this intense ?
Perhaps you are menopausal.

Hi there,

Thanks so much for answering me at this time of the night. I found your post so comforting because I feel less alone. ❤

I'm not on social media, no. I had TikTok but I deleted it because I was getting too much info about scary stuff going on in the world that I didn't want to know about.

I'm sorry that you are going through anxiety about your kids. I think mine would go there but it's a hole so deep, so terrifying, that I don't let my head go there or my anxiety is too selfish to move on from me. I can't really tell.

I'm glad you mentioned Jesus. Yes, I am a Christian. I feel bad that I have not put my faith in Him. That is what makes drinking worse for me. I was having a bad day yesterday, for really no reason, and wanted to "relax" with a couple of drinks. But, I had a few too many and scared myself with the implications of that plus feeling very guilty about not reaching out to Him, instead of alcohol.

Yes, my anxiety has always been this bad. I try to restrain it more than I did when I was younger, though, because I believe my DH finds it exhausting. He always supports me, is always understanding, but I'm tired of it myself so I can only imagine how he might feel.

My most recent issue started around the week of Easter and I'm really hoping it's just a case of coming off the VLCD, in and out, constipation and realigning but I can't help but worry it could be something worse.

My main fear of the big C is being left to doctors and hospitals and being just another number in a ward, surrounded by strangers, etc. It's just so terrifying.

The thing is, your fear of cancer isn’t entirely irrational since so many people will get it.

Is there a history of cancer in your family? For example early breast cancer in your mother might indicate genetic factors. You can ask to have a test if so.

Next I would say - stop focusing on what you are doing “wrong” or have done wrong in the past and focus on counteracting the risk factors with easy wins. List and count the positives.

So - are you consuming enough fibre? Do you eat too much red meat and/or saturated fat? That’s an easy shift if not.

Are you overweight? If not well done, that’s a massive risk factor you’ve avoided

How sedentary are you? If you have a desk job, change your hours and dedicate yourself to more exercise - train for a 10k run, coach a local kids football team, take up gardening and do loads of digging.

Do you do strength training? If not you must start as that’s important to avoid other diseases of old age.

Then you can look for other positive actions for example - did you know that regularly bathing in cold water is extremely good for kickstarting immune system processes that counteract cancers? Maybe you can take up paddle boarding or wild swimming!

@WorriedWarthog Feeling alone is awful. I'm so sorry you feel alone. Do you work? Or have hobbies? Things to fill your mind with other than anxiousness.

Hafevyou spoken to your gp about your most recent issue? No one one the internet can give you any reassurance unfortunately. But I can't really relate to searching for comfort and answers.

Do you take medication or have therapy for your anxiety. I was quite resistant to both but they can help.

that's wonderful you are a Christian. When I am anxious I repeat psalm 23 to myself - particularly the lines 'surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life'. It helps remind me I am loved, worthy and safe in the hands of God.

I would also recommend following the faith filled therapist on instagram. She has done good content. this podcast episode is Also good https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-j-john-podcast/id1509714591?i=1000746969180

Wishing you all the best 🙏❤️

Hey there - thanks so much for responding!

The fact that my fear isn't irrational makes it that much harder to live with, if that makes sense? I really don't know how to be balanced with that death threat hanging over me like a sword to my neck every.single.minute.of.every.day.

Is there a history of cancer in your family? No, my DM asked me why I had fear when there was no history. I don't know the answer.

So - are you consuming enough fibre? I think so? My VLCD is supposed to be "nutritionally complete"

Do you eat too much red meat and/or saturated fat? VLCD is vegetarian and low in fat. Before this, I did keto and before that I ate whatever I wanted as long as I kept calories in check.

Are you overweight? If not well done, that’s a massive risk factor you’ve avoided
I am about a stone overweight hence the VLCD.

How sedentary are you? If you have a desk job, change your hours and dedicate yourself to more exercise - train for a 10k run, coach a local kids football team, take up gardening and do loads of digging.
I walk about 15k steps a day in one session. So, daily 4-6 mile walk.

Do you do strength training? If not you must start as that’s important to avoid other diseases of old age. Yes, but injured, so on a break.

Then you can look for other positive actions for example - did you know that regularly bathing in cold water is extremely good for kickstarting immune system processes that counteract cancers? I didn't know this, no! I will have a look at this, thank you very much!

Maybe you can take up paddle boarding or wild swimming! I'm scared of water (uncle drowned) but think I could handle a bath or shower!

I do need a positive mindset about the future and the uncertainty of the future. I just don't know how to go about it.

Fear of hospitals is really common OP. My brother in his 50s has ASD - it was never officially diagnosed but it’s as plain as the nose on my face: he struggles enormously with even walking into a hospital to visit someone. I also had a friend - very bright guy - who would have a panic attack at any suggestion of going to hospital.

In my experience those fears aren’t always even related to a prior trauma. It’s the smells, the noise, the lack of privacy, the idea of being sick and helpless and so on.

It is definitely worth exploring your fear around hospitalisation and how to manage that fear.

Remember also that very little cancer treatment is inpatient care. Not many people need an operation - usually its chemo and radiotherapy which are outpatient procedures. You will also have care from charities and support groups available to you and your family

May I gently ask if you have been involved in long term caring or end of life of a loved one due to cancer? It’s a harrowing experience, I’ve done it three times, and if you are still carrying a trauma then getting some counselling may be a positive step.

I haven't been involved in long term caring/end of life for anyone.

Sometimes, I think I haven't had trauma and that's why I'm scared of it because I'm ill equipped for coping through lack of experience. But, this "experience" is one I really don't want.

I have a congenital birth defect due to medication given to my DM when I was inutero. My DM was part of the tainted blood transfusion scare of the 80s. At one time, they thought my DD had bladder cancer because he was a heavy smoker, but he didn't. My fear of C was already ingrained by then so I don't know how much of an effect that has, if any. That was over 20 years ago.

If these experiences have had an impact, I don't know. My parents seem to have health anxiety and so I don't know if it's learned behaviour. I wasn't aware of them having the issue, until recently, so it was interesting to learn so late in life.

I made a post about my underarm hurting, recently, and it's started to act up again.

Thanks for trying to help me. I'm annoying to myself so I appreciate tolerance and kindness. I'm not sure I would deal with me in the same way ❤

Well OP we are all mortal - no one likes to think about the fact one day we will die. And there are good deaths and bad deaths.

Are you worried about cancer because you have so many risk factors? Or is it the case that no matter how clean your lifestyle is, you’ll stil find something to worry about?

And in the latter case then you need to consider what psychological help you can obtain to manage those spiralling negative thoughts. I found CBT helpful to retrain my thought patterns. I also filled my life with happier things - I went out and made new friends at Pilates and yoga (there’s a free class in my town - amazing!). I bought a bike and learned to cycle in the woods nearby - so scary but exhilarating too. I volunteered to help out at my local Beavers club - nothing like being around 6 year olds to distract you. Friends have absolutely loved joining adult choirs, running the mum and baby kiddy club at church … whatever you choose make it something you can immerse yourself in

You might (weirdly) benefit from being a volunteer at a local hospital - nothing like facing a fear head on!

Plus: you’ll be so exhausted you won’t wake up at 3 am worrying. 😌

You have to decide to make a positive change

And every time you catch yourself worrying, you tell yourself to stop and force your mind onto something else - maybe have a crossword puzzle running on your phone and switch to that. I actually use the techniques I read about when I did hypnobirthing to help me visualise a place where I’m happy and calm.

I don’t know what to say about that big fear of cancer. To be honest I underestimated how hard it would be to watch cherished family members die from it. That awful word “metastatic.” I do totally understand how that fear grips you when you spot a symptom and you are waiting, waiting. When the diagnosis is positive it’s surreal, devastating.

I can’t imagine living with that fear all the time, it must be hellish.

I totally appreciate why you need to manage that fear and there are ways of identifying your “self talk” to help stop that inner voice from continually making you panic and analyse every facet of life for all the harm it could be doing.

It would be very sad to reach the end of your life having spent the whole time worrying about being unwell.

Just to tell you a “happy ending” - my mum dropped dead in minutes from a huge brain aneurysm. Nothing caused it, the doctors said it had been growing most likely for decades and only in her ancient years the blood vessels weakened and it popped. She didn’t suffer more than a headache for twenty minutes, I was with her. Up until then she loved and lived the best life you can imagine - a life of love and caring and fun and mischief and music and laughter. She was a lifetime volunteer and general “good egg” who overcame all sorts of hardships. She ticked off her bucket list - she had always wanted to be an artist but life didn’t give her any opportunity until she was over 80 when she finally found time to join an art class- I still have her watercolours on my wall at home! When she died, there was peace because her life had been so rich and worthwhile. She hadn’t achieved huge things by most people’s standards, but she lived a beautiful life. She was also a deeply committed Christian and I know that she found a huge amount of spiritual strength and comfort in her faith.

Aim to have that kind of life OP. Aim to get to the end of life - whenever and however that may be - and be able to look back and say “it wasn’t all perfect, but look how many good things I did.”

Maybe cut down on the coffee? Surely 10-12 cups per day is not good for your anxiety. Maybe replace every second cup with a chamomile tea?

Yes, I work and I have started walking as a hobby. Gym was my hobby, previously, but I've injured myself and so having a break. I have also started to read historic novels and find those comforting. They seems to be drama free, and problems always have solutions, so that is comforting.

I don't take medication, no.

Thank you for the reminder of Psalm 23. I really do need to lean into scripture more often.

Thank you for your suggestions and kind words - they mean so much

Firstly, with Dr Google it’s incredibly difficult to treat any potential symptom rationally.
Before going down that rabbit hole, take a breath and think.

1. have you eaten any foods that could appear to be blood, tomatoes, peppers and beetroot spring to mind
2. are you constipated or suffer with piles both of which can cause blood in faeces
3. do you have any other symptoms

Depending on where lesions are in the bowel depends on whether you can see blood. For most of the bowel any blood gets mixed into the faeces so it can’t be detected. This is why they screen regularly after the age of 60. The screening looks at the amount of blood present in poo. It’s actually normal to have trace amounts.
If the cancer is low down in the bowel you are more likely to see blood so any cancer is detectable at a much earlier stage but it’s also possibly due to piles or constipation or even an anal fissure ( if constipated with large hard stools it can tear the anal tissue causing bleeding.
You are unlikely to notice old blood if it’s bright red then iOS very fresh.
Bowel cancer tends to cause chronic blood loss and leads to anaemia. It also causes a change in bowel habit. Bleeding alone is not necessarily anything to worry about.

So for the time being, take a deep breath, it can wait until the morning and you can contact your GP for advice.
The first thing they will do is take a thorough history. Then they will examine you, palpating your abdomen and possible a digital exam to see if you have plies and check for anal fissures. If they think that cancer is a possibility they may take bloods to see if you are anaemia anx look at various levels to see if there are signs of inflammation.
They are likely to do a stool sample to check for blood and the quality within your stool.

If they are concerned they will refer you. But they will not refer you based on the possibility you may have seen blood in your stool. Even a few drops of blood will turn the water in the loo red. Compare it to when you menstruate when you may lose a few drops when you urinate while on your period.

If you are worried don’t wait. The investigations if you are referred usually involve an endoscopy- camera- which is done under sedation. I have had a few and it’ might sound awful but I’d rather have endoscopy than a cervical smear with a speculum. There was absolutely no pain. The sedation causes amnesia so even if it is a little uncomfortable you don’t remember it.
They may find the odd benign polyp, again very normal, which they tend to remove while they are doing the endoscopy. If any look suspicious they are sent for biopsy.

Only after all the above would you then proceed to CT/MRI and treatment. Even after all this the chances that you have bowel cancer is quite low due to your age.

Health anxiety is generally the result of not seeking attention. It will only get worse if you sit on it. Taking the first step of contacting your GP is hard but unless you do your anxiety is just going to spiral. I’m an HCP and it is often very difficult taking that first step because of the knowledge we have.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer via the screening programme. I decided not to Google until I had the full diagnosis, with all the information at hand it was much easier to focus on the type of cancer I had rather than reading about the ones I didn’t have. There is absolutely no point in feeding your anxiety with types of bowel cancer which you won’t have. Patients often focus on the worst types of cancer described, but have missed the fact that they occur in childhood or that bleeding is the last symptom they will experience, other symptoms will be obvious months or years before bleeding occurs.

For example thyroid cancer has several variants, only one is a real problem and the symptoms appear rapidly in a matter of weeks. The rest of the types of thyroid cancer are so slow growing that most people are likely to die of old age before the tumour is big enough to cause symptoms.

So before planning your funeral. Close Google, set your alarm so you are up early enough to get an appointment and by the end of tomorrow you are likely to have the reassurance that there is nothing to worry about.

That's a beautiful story about your mother and how you've framed her life. Thank you so much for that.

I will try to overcome the negative self talk and lean more into positivity. I have been busy, most of my life, and I think distracted. I've recently had time to myself and I'm not sure this much time has been good for me. I have always had crippling health anxiety but I had to work through it to save professional face and was conscious of being a good example to my child. But, the child is an adult now and work is flexible so those restraints aren't in place, anymore. I guess I buried it all instead of managed it, if that makes sense.

I appreciate your advice, stories, interest and positivity. I will bookmark this thread and look back on it when I'm scared. Thank you so much.

This is a great suggestion, thank you! I have a lot of coffee to manage chronic insomnia but it's a vicious circle that is not sustainable. I will try your suggestion today. I feel like I'm going to need a lot of coffee and tea.

Thank you so, so much for all of that! Dr Google is a scary place, indeed!

I had a sigmoidoscopy 18 months ago which found 2 internal haemorrhoids and a singular diverticula pouch.

1. have you eaten any foods that could appear to be blood, tomatoes, peppers and beetroot spring to mind - no
2. are you constipated or suffer with piles both of which can cause blood in faeces - yes
3. do you have any other symptoms - no

I have thought about seeing a gastro specialist, privately, but I don't want to be a financial burden to my DH due to health anxiety. I never really know what is serious and what is just me being neurotic.

I'm sorry you were diagnosed with breast cancer. You seem very wise, and level headed. Thank you for helping me even though you have your own trials. ❤

That amount of caffeine is likely to cause chronic constipation. As per my previous post, hard, bulky stools can graze the bowel wall or overstretch the anus causing localised bleeding. It also contributes to piles/haemorrhoids developping. All of which can result in bleeding into the bowel.

Thank you. I did not know this at all. I will definitely reduce my intake and hope that it helps with GI and sleep. I really appreciate you bringing this to my attention! You may have saved me a lot of worry and, for that, I have no way to thank you enough!

After being diagnosed with cancer you realise how important it is to act quickly, and also not to Google. It can drive you insane.

I’m a pragmatist and years of treating patients who are often very nervous - I’m a dentist it goes with the job- I have found that the best way to talk people down from the ceiling is to provide accurate and easy to understand information.

People don’t want to hear “don’t be silly “ or “ oh it’s just your health anxiety, you’re over reacting”. You are overreacting but you know that and it feels like a dismissal. And with patients who do attend frequently with health anxiety issues it easy to miss an actual problem, because you’ve already assumed that it’s an unfounded worry because it’s the 3 rd time you’ve seen this month.

Rather than dismissing a patients fear, if you address it and work logically through it with them, by the end of the appointment they will leave, satisfied that you’ve taken them seriously, examined them thoroughly and they now understand why you are not worried. Telling a HA patient they are being silly does nothing to allay their fear.

Talk to yoir gp about the fear and anxiety so some sort of therapy and or meds can help.
I have worked recently with someone whos relative died of cancer and its ott.
We can not go around living in fear of what might happen or could.
Remember sometimes it happens inc to someone i know that lived a calm healthy lifestyle.
I find the fears and worries of people really concerning and the germophoics really seem to be common.
Do somethong about it medically its no way to live.
I have relatives that have and had cancer..it i get it so be it ill deal with it then not love nt life on edge.
Sorry im unable to see the value of the worry.
I have health cover, pepple to take care of my fam so why worry.

I am also awake at 4am with health anxiety. I have banned myself from Google, chat gpt or any social media because it was driving me insane and just presenting worse case scenarios.

at my worst I was spending hours a day asking AI question after question trying to get it to tell me eveything was going to be ok.

I now go online as a distraction and have to be strict with myself about what I look at.

that does help.