Overwhelmed after my dad’s death and my son’s suicide attempt

[Toomuchallatonce]

I'm not ready to go to the G.P as I'm crying writing this and saying the words will be harder.
This is totally outing so I changed my user name, so this is what happened
My dad was never in great health but his partner looked after him well and during covid he collapsed and he not only had covid but double pneumonia as well as suffering from asbestosis, he never had the jab and we thought we were going to lose him then but he pulled through, and we had many more good years.
In late November he was feeling a bit off so his partner made appointments and he's was admitted into hospital as his kidneys were not working as well as expected, at this time he was expected to make a good recovery and come home, during this time we had to inform him that his sister passed away, we left to go to our home abroad for a few weeks and before we left the last thing we did was visit my dad .
2 days after we got a call to say our dog that one of my sons was looking after had been let out by contractors working on his house, 3 hours of hell and people on Facebook commenting on where he had been spotted and even the police were involved as he was seen running down a dual carriageway, anyway he's was found in a factory grounds after a 10 mile jolly.
Then 2 days after this on the Saturday my other son returned from a holiday he went on with his ex and their children as she booked it then decided she couldn't do it alone so he went with her, I spoke to him that morning to let him know what ward his grandad was on as he wanted to visit, a few hours after I got a phone call from his ex saying the police were looking for him as he was missing, at first I didn't understand but he had gone off to kill himself, me and my husband were beside ourselves, we tried booking flights home but all flights were cancelled as their was a storm, all our other children were out looking for him as well as friends, extended family and the police.
The police put it on their Facebook that they were looking for him so I then had to contact the army as one of my other sons is serving and I didn't want him seeing this over Facebook and I needed someone with him as he is based miles away.
He was found by the police on beachy head, he had also taken an overdose and taken a rope with him to make sure he wasn't going to survive.
He was arrested and taken to the hospital and sectioned.
We were still trying to get flights home and we got one for Tuesday, on the Sunday I was getting things sorted and help for my other children and grandchildren as well as packing up our holiday house, on the Monday morning my daughter called to let me know my dad died that morning on his 79th birthday, I didn't even get to say happy birthday to him.
We got back to the UK and my son's care overtook everything and I was just doing what I needed to I had to hold it all together, then on the Sunday my uncle (on my mum's side) died.
December was just funeral arrangements and visiting my son on the psycatric ward.
My son went back to work last month and had his first ever panic attack and we had to go and get him.
I can't sleep without thinking will I see him again
I want to grieve for my dad and I get tearful but then I stop as it seems like I am taking away compassion that my son needs.
I feel like I'm numb yet I hurt so much and I can't describe the overbearing feeling of doom that I have.
I have explained to the GP what happened and that I'm not sleeping so he gave me 5 sleeping tablets and asked what else i wanted from him.......
It's this just depression? Grief? PTSD? Or just me feeling sorry for myself

You have been through an immense amount of trauma in a short space of time, unusual and acute emotional distress on top of grief. Be kind to yourself. The GP may be able to help and medication may help with some symptoms but I think the feelings are to be expected and probably need to be processed before you start to feel better.
hugs to you OP

It's not true depression and it's not you feeling sorry for yourself. It's trauma and grief and fear. What you've been through is too much for anyone to bear in such a short space of time.

Talking therapy or grief counselling might be a good step. The GP can also prescribe a short term (4wks) small dose of diazepam to help see you through the hardest days

In terms of what you can try and do at home is take time for your nervous system - meditate, journal, read, yoga nidra (not yoga, check out YouTube), gentle walks in nature, write letters to your dad.

Ultimately this is going to take time to process everything you've been through.

I'm so sorry you have gone through all of this. You have gone through a huge amount of trauma, and will be in shock and grieving.

Things that can help in this situation will differ from person to person and generally speaking, not one thing will be the solution.

The sort of things that could help will almost certainly include talking about what you've been through. A grief counsellor or bereavement, service could be a good place to start.
In my experience, I have found talking to lots of different friends and basically repeating what has happened. Several times can help not only process what has happened, but turn it into a bit of a story made it easier to manage.
Your body will be running on cortisol and adrenaline. If you can reduce this, it will really help. Things that really helped me were doing lots of yoga nidra (deep relaxation - loads of free stuff on youtube, essy to learn), and breathing exercises ( a really simple one is just to spend a minute breathing in and then breathing out for a longer time than you breathed).
Going for walks, or other exercise. Eating regularly and not too much shit also is important
The number one most important thing is time. Don't expect yourself magically to feel better is going to take a while.
Be really kind to yourself.

Thank you, I will try some yoga as I just want to clear my mind as this never stops going round in my head constantly

Yoga nidra is not yoga, it's a relaxation technique, if you type the name into YouTube to you will find guided videos of it. It's really very helpful especially if done daily, you can do as short as 10 mins or as long as an hour if you had the time.

I will try that thank you so much x

I don't have a lot to say but please get good sleep tonight, otherwise things will just get worse. And yes, I think know you will see them again.

That’s a lot you’ve had to contend with, and no doubt it’s all overwhelming.

Some links to organisations or resources that may be able to help you.

griefguide.sueryder.org/support/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20510858548&gbraid=0AAAAADR_K3Xowim4F798a_oB7q000APYn&gclid=CjwKCAjwtcHPBhADEiwAWo3sJt4D1WgmG3FdZjDiL4Nr4gaPSdbjnonkQtMF--OtkCq51VW2LYFeexoCeNEQAvD_BwE

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/suicidal-thoughts/

I'm so sorry .I'm new here and have just seen your post .my heart goes out to you and is with you .that was so so much for you to endure.when you go from one trauma then another and it spirals your nervous system is on super high alert and it's so difficult to bring it down to even do basic things .sleep problems are a sign your in flight or fight mode.you know you desperately need rest to keep going but your mind becomes a warzone .
So sorry about your dad .And I'm very relieved your son was found and he is blessed to have such a loving family to help him .
I lost my brother to suicide 6 months ago.
I really feel your son was just very desperate for help and now he is in a better position as it's not all locked inside tormenting him .
My brother was completely silent ,no signs ,no cry for help .I wish he had shown me any signs even if it was life threatening so I got the chance to help .
I also have my badly behaved little jack russel .he's literally a 2 year old toddler with fur .
Always up to no good but I love him so much .
The fear for his safety was your first trauma and then more on top .
I know that horrible feeling of not being able to calm down your nervous system .you most likely have PTSD and allow yourself time to sit and try to see that your lovely son is still here ,your runnaway dog had an adventure and that you are most definitely
Allowed to love your son but miss your dad .take a set time to just think about your dad nothing else and allow none to interrupt that .
Your mental health is gold now .if you take care of it
It will keep you afloat and able to go forward .
Hope you're okay and your son is doing well .thinking of you

Thank you for your message, my son showed no signs at all, he was determined to end his life, I have now signed up for therapy but it's going to take months.
I'm sat here in tears tonight as everything just seems so fucking pointless

Different set of circumstances but had a similar situation last year. It is awful and one thing would be overwhelming enough without the multiple layers and never feeling like you can come up for air. Am so sorry that you are here. It truly is horrendous.

A few things I found helped:

Counselling. In person. Once a week. Not to rationalise it, but to give myself permission to cry my eyes out away from it all.

Exercise - not yoga - I was too restless for that. But absolutely exhausting gym sessions, running, PT two or three times a week. Heart rate up stimulates a fight/flight response and tricks your mind into thinking you have escaped - it helps break the cycle.

Going away as much as possible. I travel for work and for the first time ever I didn't resent it. Slept like a log every time I was away. Booked short breaks for us as a family, even if it was cheap as chips to just not be at home.

Made sure we had things to look forward to as a family each month. Religiously. Even if I/we didn't feel like it.

Mumsnet was a huge help. Just knowing I wasn't alone, when none of my friends or family had shared experiences.

Eventually the fog started to clear and it is much better. I am still overwhelmed 18 months on, but have cut back on everything but the exercise. Being exhausted but with endorphins really helps me. Am in a "new normal" now, and it isn't always easy, but it is ok.

Sending big hugs. It does get more manageable. I still have moments, but I am able to regulate more quickly now. And no this isn't depression, it is trauma. But find ways of processing it, so it is less likely to become a way of being.

💐