Is it usual for a therapist to say this on the first meeting

[oldmothers]

I had a few sessions of therapy about 10 years ago, and at the first meeting the therapist remarked that any one of the multiple things I’d gone through would bring most people to therapy.

last week I started again, with an additional issue, and the new therapist asked me, how are you still standing?

is this something they say to be empathetic?

(my issues are mainly from years ago. My husband was physically and verbally abusive for first 10 years of marriage, stopped 25 years ago. dS1 severely brain damaged through birth trauma, then died aged 8, ds2 also v problematic pregnancy, I was beaten up carrying him, my mum died, dad couldn’t cope and killled himself and told me when he planned to do it so had an emotional goodbye. DS2 mental health issues, he was suicidal and on the edge for years, he’s better now, but has now withdrawn from me and we’ve been estranged for 9 months.
actually, writing all that down it is a lot, but it’s over 35 years so thereve been many years of relative calm.

anyway, back to my point, do therapists often express surprise that a client is “still standing”?

She was meaning that you are a strong human being given that you’re strong enough to have pursued therapy after all you’ve endured.

dont tie yourself up about this. Sounds like you have much more important things to think about

I don't know if it's normal, I've not had a lot of therapy.

I do know that it's important you feel comfortable with your therapist though.

How did you feel about the therapist generally?

I wouldn't find that helpful - find a different therapist, or don't bother with therapy. When my son was killed I was always told to 'go to counselling' - but when I phoned a counsellor I could hear the shock and horror in their voice at what had happened, so I said 'no thanks' and put the phone down. I've kept dealing with it myself since then & I'm still standing over 20 years later. Honestly, I question the value and use of therapy. These people are just human, if you have any kind and loving family members or friends I think that can be better, you can't therapy away trauma, just live through and with it.

@oldmotherswhat you have to remember is that therapists are human too. One of the core conditions is empathy. I think your therapists were expressing this to you, however they may have missed the mark and come across as clumsy perhaps?

The first therapy experience was not v helpful, but I chose someone at random. The therapist I’ve just started with is actually really good, I felt heard but also helpfully challenged on 1 or 2 points

she was recognising you have experienced a lot of trauma, any of those things you’ve been through would result in someone asking for help. It was empathy that’s all.

So consign this off hand comment to the bin

My therapist told me I should be dead. She meant that people generally don’t survive repeated trauma for decades. She’s showing you your worth. You must be a strong person.

That kind of statement/question can also be a challenge. Many clients are very used to minimising what happened to them and their feeling about it, and being dismissive of their own trauma. I’ve had people describe quite awful things as no big deal, or “he might have hit he but he didn’t kick me” kind of things. They can also struggle to justify to themselves the time and money used for therapy or worry about taking the therapists time. They can also have protected themselves by saying something wasn’t as bad as someone else’s experience or expect that they should be able to just get on with it.

An important part of the therapists job is to mirror back to the client the therapists view of what they’ve experienced because we all distort our experiences to be able to manage them. That often means pointing out that the experience wasn’t ok, was significant and that the person merits care. That might be by sharing that most people would need help with X, or that the cumulative impact of trauma would leave most people unable to function, or sharing their reaction to what they’re hearing. It’s part of being congruent with the client and is pretty essential, if challenging for the client to hear because it forces them to consider that they do matter, it’s ok to need help and that the therapist sees their experience even if the client struggles with the magnitude of it.

Therapy should be challenging, it’s not a cosy chat with someone validating you at every turn. She sounds like she’s doing her job.

A therapist said something similar to me at a second meeting. At first I was rather perplexed by it, after a few days I realised the comment had, for the first time made me acknowledge what an awful childhood I’d had and how much it was still affecting me.

I think it’s an important thing to say, if it’s true which it certainly is in your case.

Yeah really normal they are validating your feelings so you don't feel stupid for going or that you are wasting their time

Thank you all very much first your insight, it’s much appreciated, especially hearing it from the therapist ’s POV.

I forgot to mention I had cancer as well, but made a quick recovery.

all this has come back to the front of my mind now, because DS has asked to meet me in a couple of weeks, and I’m getting myself in a bit of a pickle about the best way to handle the meeting. I’ve worked hard over this last 9 months to regulate my nervous system. He pulled away as soon as his MH improved which was incredibly painful.

i now realise he felt heard had to do that to protect his autonomy as he associated me with his very difficult earlier problems. My response was to push for connection which came over as control.

this last year of estrangement has been the hardest of my life, but if I said that he’d feel guilty and pull away again so I need to find a delicate balance

Are you seeing the therapist again before DS? She may beable to help with the best approach to meeting ds.

Yes, we have a total of 3 booked before I meet DS and 3 after. We will focus on meeting DS then have a debrief then go through my feelings of anger and grief in last 2 sessions

That sounds an excellent plan. I really hope your relationship improves with your son.x

Good luck meeting your son. You could ask your therapist why she said what she did. I think others on here are right but heating it from her and discussing it might take you down a useful path.

It might be helpful to raise with your therapist the feelings that you had as a result of the initial comment and the thoughts that you’ve had since. That gives you both an opportunity to explore a bit more meaningfully

Thanks all. I probably won’t raise it, just thought it odd that both therapists had said similar at the first meeting. We have a lot to get through in 6 sessions so it’s possible I’ll need a couple more.

I initially wanted to unload my unexpressed anger and grief before meeting DS but I’m already feeling more regulated about that now

I’d assume it’s a technique to acknowledge your struggle and strength whilst attempting to bond through congruence. It’s clumsy though.

Putting you at your ease, making you believe they are on your side. I imagine they would have a number of comforting phrases to use at the start of therapy, depending what you present with.

I think it was an attempt to validate your struggle. Sometimes we can feel like we're just not good enough and that if anyone else was like us they'd cope just fine. Experiences we've had are just 'normal'. Then someone comes along and says 'Blimey!! That's a lot...how have you managed to keep functioning?' and then you realise that actually you're a damned superhero.

I apologised to the SEN caseworkers for DD1 because I had been a bit short and confrontational about her EHCP. We had a teams meeting and her Clinical Psychologist was there. She cut in to say 'With all you're dealing with, it's no wonder you lose your shit occasionally.' I can't tell you how much that helped me. I'm not pathetic, I'm not horrible. I'm just a woman on the edge!