Husband wants divorce - I am in a psychiatric unit

[MarmadukeM]

Husband wants a divorce - I am an inpatient in psychiatric unit. We have been together for 23 years and have two children aged 19 and 16. Whilst I can understand and I do agree that that we have reached a point where too much has happened annd we have essentially grown apart it’s still devastated me. I’ve been quite unwell for about 9 months altogether and basically he has retreated into exercising excessively and drinking, he admits he has been selfish but it’s because he could get away with it. I haven’t felt supported, more avoided (he admits he has just not wanted to be in the house with me) I feel a lot of shame over my behaviour (took overdose recently after he came to an appointment with me and basically said he had felt like running away etc) and now I’m just so worried about how I’m going to cope with this. He did say he wants to help me to get better before we go through the formalities but I feel bereft - it’s like someone has died! Has anyone been through similar?

Oh goodness, that’s hard.

The end of a long relationship truly is grieving, that’s a very natural feeling.

What support network do you have? Family, friends? Now is the time to call upon them.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs Yes I have good friends. No family locally but they are at end of phone/happy to travel to see me so yeah I have been in touch with them. Just very sad and worried about my current lack of resilience. Suppose I’m in right place, going through some medication changes which aren’t helping x

Voluntary admission?

Don't underestimate the pressure your husband is under. MH services are crap for the person who is ill. They are even worse for their family. My DH was in your place... I got no support and was expected to hold it all together. Being supportive to him, putting on a face for external people and family, making sure the kids were ok, working to pay the bills, housework.... It nearly broke me. I hated him for it.

This 100% I've been on both sides being the "carer" is harder. Watching someone you love repeatedly hurt themselves is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do if he’s decided to divorce you. Take all of the help and support you can get whilst you’re in hospital to forge a path forward by yourself.

Yes voluntary admission. I know it’s been hard for him and I think what made it worse was that I hid a lot of how I felt from him as I didn’t want to worry him but it backfired in that he doesn’t necessarily trust me/worried more than would have if I’d jut been upfront.
in my defence I have mostly continued to work, do the shopping and cooking, most of cleaning despite being ill. That caused tensions as I was exhausted trying to maintain a facade and he kind of just avoided me anyways. Like I was cooking him meals he liked, getting him gifts, having sex when I just didn’t want to all to try and keep a sense of normality. Trying to compensate in a fashion as I know i wasn’t my normal self - I wasn’t sat in my pjs in a catatonic state, I was trying so hard to be ‘normal’. I know I am being defensive but I do feel I’ve done as best I can despite feeling like utter crap most of the time But yeah I totally get what you are saying and. I know the worry has been trashing for him. I think he feels relieved that he will no longer have responsibilities towards me but I’m just gutted at this outcome.

How have your children taken it all?

I’m so sorry, it sounds so hard for everyone.

They have largely been shielded from my illness and think I’m in hospital for a medication adjustment. They dont know about us splitting yet - son has exams coming up so was going to wait till after that to tell them

Oh fgs don’t kid yourself As if they have been shielded.

Look… good on you for your voluntary admission. Your husband is now at home, alone, with his kids - dealing with everything and no doubt has been for some time. And no - I’m not referring to cooking etc.

He wants a divorce. Don’t fight it. Just focus on your recovery and getting back to your children to parent them during these teen years.

So sorry you're going through this.

I know it's impossible not to think/worry about it, but do just try and put it aside as much as you can and focus on being kind to yourself until your meds are sorted.

I know from experience on a much more straightforward level how much the medication can affect how you feel and underestimated it until very recently when I lapsed with my ADs for a few weeks (self-care always goes straight I it of my window when I'm stressed) and was very unwell as a result.

Just offering an alternative perspective - in some ways it's better he's done this now while you're an in patient, your in the safest place to be able to process those really difficult emotions and have immediate crisis intervention.

Waiting until you were out would limit your more immediately available support and could've caused an even bigger spiral