I’ve never posted on Mumsnet before. I am a first-time mum to a beautiful four-month-old boy. He is so smiley, sweet and generally a ‘chill’ little guy. I’m 40 and feel like I waited lifetimes to have him. He was, is, so wanted. But I am struggling so much: with chronic, extremely physical anxiety (inc. insomnia unrelated to his night feeds, waking up at 3/4am with very intense anxiety), panic attacks and low mood. I’ve become very socially anxious and avoidant. Although I feel able to care for my son and meet his needs, my partner is out at work from 7am-6pm every day and I have so much dread in me about getting through the days. I have recurring intrusive thoughts about completely ‘breaking’ and not being able to care for him. Obviously, feeling like this is not how I imagined it would be. I am under the perinatal mental health team receiving regular support. But I would like to connect with other mums who are feeling the same, or some version of the same, as me, with their young babies. Because in the loneliness of the days it can feel like I’m the only one (even though logically I’m very aware I’m not). Would also be keen to hear from mums who have felt like this and recovered, and are now enjoying parenting, because I’m terrified I will feel this way forever.