Anger treatment for parents

[MidnightBlush]

My neurodivergent other half struggles to manage his temper when dealing with our neurodivergent six year old, whose own challenges can be very hard and frustrating to parent (with no family support close by). Eg. Our son regularly trashes our home, or ruins family meals by screaming throughout them and throwing things at us, struggles with transitions often holding us hostage by refusing to leave our home for extended periods.

Sometimes this presents as saying nasty things and calling our son names. Other times it can get physical, when my other half is trying to physically stop our son from doing something. In those moments, my partner can hurt our son by using more force than intended in anger. He apologises and says he was wrong, but it continues to happen.

My partner loves our son, and is better than he was. However, my partner still needs emotional support to manage his anger issues. Talking therapy doesn’t seem to be sufficient.

Has anyone experienced something similar? I’m looking for recommendations of specific types of therapies for anger management in a neurodivergent context.

Tour partner is abusive and ND is no excuse for this. It’s up to you to protect your child, not to excuse and facilitate their abuse. Get this man out of their home and let him work on his issues whilst your child remains safe.

Nobody is excusing or facilitating abuse - this post is literally asking for advice on helpful interventions to manage anger issues. I’m considering all options before breaking up our family - the boys adore their dad, and if there is a way to manage their dad’s anger then I want to explore it before taking their dad away from them. I appreciate your concern for our children, and I assure you that their wellbeing is my first and only priority.

If this were true the man would not be in contact with your child. Let’s not pretend ‘protect your child’ is unhelpful advice.

Watching with interest. It’s hard to imagine this dynamic unless you live it. We have similar and it can be emotionally exhausting. Sending solidarity ♥️

Solidarity back to you 💙 it is so hard for all involved. The only thing I have found that helps so far is weekly family-centred therapy, but only whilst we are actively in therapy. If we take a break for a couple of weeks, it all starts again - hoping for a solution which offers deeper and lasting impact.

Your partner should start yoga, including deep breathing exercises—it will help him a lot ..It will immediately release any sort of stress ,anxiety and help him to manage his temper.

Thank you - you know, this isn’t a bad shout. Breathwork can be transformative. He does try meditating but it only takes him so far.

You are excusing him by prefacing that it’s about neurodivergence.

it’s abusive or he’d be beside himself for his behaviour sounds like you are trying to fix his abusive nature.

i am and im parent ND kids. It’s really hard but i dont ever hurt anyone.

You both need to reframe your whole thinking on this. Your child is not holding you hostage, he's unable to leave the house because it feels too overwhelming/anxiety inducing. The things he does are because he's not coping in one way or another. You need to parent him in a way that he can cope with, your husband getting angry and physical is only going to greatly increase your child's anxiety and escalate his behaviour.

You need to look very carefully at when and why your child is behaving in the way he is and work out what the triggers are. Parenting an ND child can be very challenging, but you have to work within what they can cope with and understand that. He may not eat like an NT child, he might not want to do the things that an NT child would enjoy, he may not cope with things that you would expect an NT child to cope with. Have you expectations more in line with a child 3 years younger than his actual age, he needs patience and understanding, not anger and violence.

Is he at mainstream or SEN school? How does he cope there? Does he have his own room? Is he given plenty of time to decompress after a day at school? Is he kept well hydrated and given snacks after school? How does he sleep?

Thank you for this - we do reframe, and have worked with an amazing family therapist who specialises in PDA. We scaffold our son’s life as best we can, but he does still have challenges. The post is about a different kind of support in managing our own emotions rather than our son’s. Grateful for any tips from someone who has been through the same.

If I was excusing anything, then I clearly wouldn’t be looking for a remedy.

I mentioned neurodivergence as I’m hoping someone here has specific experience of neurodivergence within this context.

Neither of us set out to hurt our child. Ever. We never hit him, even in moments of extreme
anger. I don’t know if your ND children set out to hurt you and destroy your home with a variety of objects in their moments of meltdown, but it is extremely difficult to de-escalate those moments. It is even harder to do when you have to physically move a child so they don’t hurt themselves or others. It is even harder to keep your cool when this happens regularly.

If you have tips from your experience with your children, then I would love to hear them.