Intrusive thoughts

[Daffodils65]

I keep getting intrusive thoughts about hurting myself. I haven't been able to think about much else today. I feel like I wouldn't care if I got a terminal illness. I'd be happy to swap with someone who has cancer and wants to live. I think I'd feel relieved to think at least feeling like this will end soon and I would be at peace. I feel very emotionally numb, like I'm not really here. Ive had all the medication and counselling under the sun for the last 20 plus years.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way @Daffodils65
Do you have anyone to talk to? If you don’t The Samaritans are always there to listen on 116123 or Text About It (HELLO to 50808) if it’s easier not to speak.

No I don't have anyone to talk to. Thanks for replying to me. I'm reluctant to contact either of them, last time I contacted the samaritans the man just sounded really bored and last time I texted that helpline the person mixed me up with someone else and started talking about random things that I hadnt mentioned and then admitted he had mixed me up with someone he was speaking to at the same time. I just want to disappear.

Helplines can be hit and miss, because they're staffed (mostly) by pre-training psychology hopefuls. Can you make an urgent appointment with your GP or ask for a crisis referral to the community mental health team?

You say you've had all the counselling, but have you been offered proper therapy; systemic or psychoanalytic therapy?

I could go to the GP but they would just offer to put me on the NHS waiting list for counselling. I've had a visit from the home treatment team before and they came out to my house and said I wasnt unwell enough to be under their team and discharged me.
I'm not sure what systemic or pyschoanalytic therapy is. I've had CBT, EMDR, scheme therapy, DBT, probably others that I can't remember.

Hi OP. I’m really sorry to hear how hard things are for you.
I have real difficulties at times when things “re-trigger” PTSD.
Did you find EMDR helpful? I found it incredibly helpful but I don’t think it lasts forever as it were. It’s a very helpful way to alleviate symptoms and memories. Can you access more EMDR?

in the meantime I try doing the 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell etc exercises. If things get really bad I repeatedly say “it’s ok. It’s ok”. To myself out loud. I also think another trick of saying your thoughts out loud in a silly voice (which sounds stupid) sort of helps.

Walk/jump/waggle your arms. Go for a walk in the rain (it’s raining where I am). I find that sometimes helps because it’s a bit more “real”.

Hi OP. Sounds hard at the moment.

A helpful thing might be to find a comforting guided meditation (you can get a free app) just to take your mind to a less upsetting place than these thoughts.

Alternatively go for a walk. Or you could watch a film or show that you can just distract yourself with.

You can always try Samaritans and just hang up if the person doesn't sound right for you, then call again later. It can be hit and miss!