PTSD and becoming a Mother in healing

[BlossomMills]

Lost baby DD 3 years ago due to domestic violence in my marriage

Filed for divorce in 2024

My mental health has improved but I haven't been able to fully process it, it's like a part of me feels so much guilt and anger unlike any other, I find it hard to cry. I was diagnosed with CPTSD when I lost her. I feel I should go to therapy but most therapists go into 'memories' or 'talk therapy' and I struggle with that as it seems to make it worse.

Found out I was pregnant last year

DS was born January..

He's the most curious, loving boy. I sometimes look at him and tear up. I am It's hard being a single Mum and not having family nearby, Mum lives 4 hours away and she works a lot. We plan on spending weekend with her from Saturday to Sunday.

I have noticed that I now struggle to open up to people due to the PTSD but I desperately do want to heal. I can't easily share negative emotions without it being anonymous

Anyway it's nice to feel I can share in a safe space

Feel free to chat

it's like a part of me feels so much guilt and anger unlike any other

That 'part' of your subconscious needs to know it did nothing wrong and that nothing you did, or didn't do could have prevented this tragedy. You don't have to talk about it or relive it to heal.

This is the way I explain trauma. When something bad and/or unexpected happens a part of the mind takes on the job of figuring out exactly what happen, why it happened and (crucially) our role in the event. This isn't to punish or torment us but to stop that particular thing happening again – it's a protective mechanism.

That's fine if we were texting when the car accident happened or the other person was drunk when they fell into us, but some things are just so random or unexpected that there's absolutely no way of predicting them, preparing for them or avoiding them. That bit of your subconscious doesn't get this message and carries on – hence the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares that are often part of trauma.

Once that part of your mind understands that there isn't, and never will be, a satisfactory answer it will stop, because it's a fruitless exercise which is detracting from your current happiness. You won't forget what happened but the emotional link will be broken.

HTH.

I’m so sorry for your troubles. If you think
you want therapy but talking doesn’t help, you might want to look into EMDR. If it’s for trauma, you can get it on the NHS in my area. You don’t have to talk about it, and it rejigs the ways your brain processes it.