*TW* Was I SA'd as a child? What to do?

[idontrememberit]

NCd for this and not sure if this is the best place to post. Also want to say I dont want to step on toes of anyone who really was sexually assaulted, I am so sorry to anyone who has experienced this.

I have no memory of ever being SAd but I have a lot of signs of someone who was. Reasons:

• I have always been physically repulsed by my own genitals, don't ever masterbate, can't use a tampon, can't even look
• I had what sounds like vaginismus when I first had sex. My boyfriend at 16 (who is now my husband) and I tried for 6 months and I just couldn't stop tensing the muscles even though he always has made me feel incredibly safe and there was no pressure
• The first time we managed to have sex I vomited immediately after
• It took me around a decade to be able to orgasm. Looking back now I see it was because my body and mind were always too tense and stressed...though I thought it was normal at the time and just how it felt. Want to say again my husband has only ever been gentle, no pressure, and always asked what I want
• During the birth of my child I found any vaginal exams extremely difficult and could only have one with gas and air to relax me
• As an adult I have anxiety which I take medication for

As for who, my mum was with a horrible man for about 6 months who she left because of domestic abuse, which I have no memory of. I just remember him being nice. There's also my dad and stepdad who are both lovely people but the thing is you just never know what men are capable of.

I've been thinking about this for years and why I am like this and it seems like I must have experienced something as a child and blocked out a memory? What do I do, do I just stop thinking about it and move on? Thank you if you've read this whole thing

No idea if you did experience something, but would say it’s not a given that you must have experienced something.

Definitely not, but I just wonder why I am like this and what else it could be?

What was your mother's attitude towards sex? If you grew up with the belief that anything to do with genitals or sex is somehow shameful or dirty that would influence your adult view.

Do you talk to your mum about the men who were around during your childhood?

We've never talked about sex. I get the sense she wanted to seem all open about it but wasn't, we watched the sex education show when I was a teenager (anyone remember that one??) but didn't discuss it.

We've never talked about her relationship with the horrible man, I thought it would upset her. I talked to my dad a bit about it though as he was quite involved in sorting the situation out.

What about periods? Did she talk to you about them?

Not really no. I came on at my dad's house and called her and she came over gushing about my growing up, also told other family members immediately when I'd asked her not to. My dad tried to be supportive but was very awkward about it, made me a draw for my 'woman's things'. Maybe it's just body shame etc from growing up

What a weird thing for her to do :(

I think you're right, this is more about the beliefs you developed than unremembered abuse. Might be worth some therapy or counselling if you find you can't stop thinking about it.

I suppose. There are a couple of other things I can think of that my parents did that made me feel ashamed of my body. But they weren't mean about it, just very awkward, and my reactions just seem very extreme when many people's parents are like this. Thanks for talking it through with me

I'd bet anything that their own parents were shy or awkward about bodies and sex. When they don't know any better it's natural to mirror the beliefs they learnt in their own childhoods.

Now you know, you can make sure it stops with them!

I am in a similar position of suspecting I was sexually abused but not having the direct memories of it, I would have been very very young, if what I do know adds up.

There’s very little you can do, I sometimes think about asking my mum but I don’t think I’m ready for her answer. I tell myself one day I will go to a therapist and say out loud what is in my head but there never seems to be the right time.

Ive never told a soul, this is as close as I’ve come to speaking about it!

I would suggest a therapist. My understanding is the right kind can help unlock subconscious memories although I don’t know much about it. Might give you some clarity op.

sorry you feel like this

I could’ve almost written your post several years ago OP.
I had vaginismus too and a weird revulsion towards female genitalia, even my own. It started in my early teens, or that was when I became aware of it.

I definitely wasn’t sexually abused, so was really confused about why I was like this. I started to suspect that I was and had just blocked it out?

years of therapy really helped. I believe it was an embodied anxiety. A deep fear of being vulnerable, amongst other things. I definitely recommend a good somatic psychotherapist if it’s something that is available to you. I feel very healed now and I’m sure you could be too.

As a remedial hypnotist I would be VERY wary of any therapist who claims to be able to unlock subconscious memories. It's simply not possible with any degree of accuracy or accountability.

I have worked with someone who had 'something' on the edge of their memory which they couldn't articulate, but was troubling them. We just asked the subconscious to let it go, which it did.

I certainly wouldn't leap to suspecting abuse based on what you said, especially if you have absolutely no memory at all of anything that suggests it. You clearly learned ashamed, negative responses to your own body and your sexuality in childhood, in ways that had a lasting impact, but I'd be very wary of construing that backwards into abuse, based on what you say here alone and I'd be very wary of going therapy with the idea that there must be suppressed memories of abuse.

Yes, I'd think any reputable therapist would be. Or I would hope so.

Bear in mind that if you then remembered or 'remembered', OP, the therapist is obliged to report CSA.

I was sexually abused from when I was 8 until I was 11.
It took some time for me to realise what was happening but I did know in the end. Seemed like a game at first.
You would know now I’m sure.
❤️❤️.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice, it's given me a lot to think about