Can you help me? Please!

[CapablyIncapable]

I am a married mother of two who had an awful childhood. I won’t go into details of that in this post, but it’s an important part of my story.

In my teen years, I was very promiscuous and would drink alcohol to black out point and then sleep with lots of men when totally drunk. I wouldn’t even have any recollection most times. Until I met someone who stood by me and saw the real me underneath all the damage.

He knows all about my background and has stood by me through everything life has thrown at me.

Around a year ago, I was at an event and ended up so drunk that I woke up in my hotel room with little memory of the night before. According to friends at the event, I went missing for ages, before reappearing and they helped me to my room. I have no idea what happened in this time.

I very rarely drink now, so this is not the norm for me anymore but I am so afraid of what I could have done during that time. I told my husband straight away and he has fully supported me and doesn’t believe I have done anything wrong, but I have no evidence of that. A friend said that maybe I fell asleep at the toilet, but when I think back to this, I keep imagining someone in the cubicle with with me. What complicates this is that I have previously suffered from real event ocd, and now I don’t know if I have done something or not. The memory isn’t really a memory. There is no face, if that makes sense, it’s just a vague idea and it’s scared me so much. I block it out for a while and crack on with life, but then it comes back and punches me in the stomach and I feel disgusted at myself.

I have posted on this site before about it, but not in this board.

The reason I am posting now is because I need support. I think I need STD testing, to put my mind at ease. I’m currently unwell and think I need blood tests, but haven’t been able to go to the doctor because I’m scared by thoughts like “what if I have HIV”.

i don’t want to get the STD tests done because I don’t want to tell the medical person anything about what’s going on. I just want to go in and ask to be tested for everything, without having to answer any invasive questions. I also don’t know if I will cope with the wait between tests and results. I think it might totally break me.

I don’t know what to do. I can feel myself being physically unwell, but feel trapped with no where to go. When I block things out, i can be happy and upbeat. It’s just when these thoughts resurface I am really struggling.

I really appreciate any help, support, advice or even a hand hold.

Did your friends say if you were with a man before you disappeared? Are you sure your drink wasn't spiked having no memory at all seems strange. I would get tested, I'm not sure that they ask very much, if they did hardly anyone would go, if they ask just say you drank too much and are not sure what happened, I expect they've heard it all before anyway. You told your DH which was the hardest bit.

Find a sexual health clinic near you if you’re concerned about keeping it private from your regular GP. They will ask some questions but you don’t need to disclose anything you don’t want to. And, I agree with the other post, therapy is absolutely a route you should consider if you want some lasting help with the root cause of this. Try not to be so hateful of yourself. It sounds like your husband loves you but learning to love yourself and forgive yourself is key to healing.

You can order STI kits from boots etc op

My friends didn’t say anything about who I was with. I was persuaded ont having shots and that’s the last thing I remember. I don’t think my drink was spiked.

This almost exact thing happened to me 13 years ago. I convinced myself i must have cheated, it boiled down to my ocd. You need reassurance, call one of your friends and find out what happened before you disappeared. Logically one or them would have known surely if you'd have gone off with someone and come after you.

This is the only time I have drank to excess in 10 years. The first and only time in that time, that I’ve had more than 2 or 3 glasses of wine. I think this is an exaggeration.

Thank you. I have done this. They don’t know where I went. It’s not helped to reassure me. I really appreciate your message and support though.

I’m afraid… I have very little support irl and I’m frightened the result could break up my family. That’s really hard to go through alone.

I’m on a waiting list for therapy. I have had therapy many times.

Its tough being in your own head! I've recently had terrifying thoughts that I can't share on here but my dh is so logical he gets mad. Have the test. Your dh is still with you. Do you have any symptoms of an sti?

Please get the STI test. The intrusive thoughts won't go away otherwise x

Hi Op,

Firstly don't blame yourself for the past. You were drinking because of what you were going through at the time and you were young. The key is that you have a supportive partner now.

• Doctors and nurses aren't going to judge you. This is their job and they hear shocking things all the time. My friend worked in a GUM clinic as a doctor and people came in with all sorts of outrageous things. You won't be the worst and likely they won't even raise an eyebrow. However, there are free kits so if you are putting off going order one today instead: https://sh24.org.uk/orders/sti-test-kit/intro-sti

• It's very unlikely you will have HIV. Most cases are in Africa or among gay/bisexual men. It is possible to catch it in the UK as a straight woman (assuming that's your status) but very unlikely. I would ask for it to be included in the testing but know that it is very unlikely. It is also not a death sentence any more - you can have a normal life span if you take the right medication. The key is to get tested and stop worrying.

• When you drink to the point of not remembering your short term brain is still functioning but long term memories aren't being 'recorded'. The chances are you would have 'came to' if someone had been sleeping with you. It's more likely you were falling asleep or slumped somewhere, perhaps being sick.

Why don't you order a test now and then it's done?

@Buttercream101 what a great post! Very helpful and supportive.

Op its true, if there was a memorable event, I think you'd remember it!

If you’re in the UK, you have 2 options - either make an appointment at your local sexual health clinic or order free postal tests online (Do a search for online STI tests in my area).
Some sexual health clinics have walk-in sessions. Although there is a questionnaire to complete, you do not have to answer any questions that you are not comfortable in answering. The staff there are the least judgemental people you would ever meet.
These tests usually cover chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and HIV. As it’s been a year since the event the results would be regarded as conclusive.

This has some useful information including that HIV today is a manageable health condition controlled by daily effective medication.
However, while prevalence is much higher in Africa, it's not quite correct to say it affects predominantly gay/bi men. Stats (can be googled) show that there are more women worldwide living with HIV than men. In the UK about ⅓ are women with cases rising among heterosexuals.
Clinics should offer an HIV test as part of STI screening to everyone without it having to specifically be requested.

I still haven’t been to get checked out. But there is a clinic nearby that is open on a Monday. I can go next Monday. I am worried I won’t be able to cope with the time between having the tests done and the results.

i know my husband has been kind and supportive, but I feel I have pushed him near breaking point with my mental health issues, and I know he has other significant stress in his life right now with a parent who is terminally ill. I don’t think I can tell him I’m having these tests, and burden him with all of this again right now. He is a very good man, and that wouldn’t be right. However, I feel deceitful in having them done without telling him. I am just struggling with all these feelings of guilt and shame.

When I’m feeling calm and somewhat rational, I think that the chance of anything being amiss is very small, but then I get that overwhelming, sickening feeling that just comes to me, and I need that gone. I can’t go on like this.

Please do not have sexual contact with DH till this is sorted….

also HIV is not as uncommon in Europe as it s been stated above

Id personally would try to find a clinic that’s open tomorrow even if you have to go bit further out
good luck OP

Thank you @BrentfordForever - this happened over a year ago. We have had sexual contact. I hope no one flames me for this as I’m feeling very fragile right now. DH knows everything, I have been very open. He believes this is my OCD.