Feeling so low about mum’s comments.

[Redrosespiral]

I haven’t posted for a while but I’m feeling really low at the moment. I’m in my early 40s and have been plagued my entire life by horrendously low self esteem. Not just a little bit - or even moderately - but constantly. I know lots of women do find it hard to have good self esteem but the voice in my mind is constant and it is harsh. Like it is absolute and black and white and it rarely ever shuts up.

Unfortunately my mum has developed rapid onset dementia over the last few months. She has gone from being ok to not always reliably knowing me or my dad or my children. She is very confused and is physically also quite unwell. All the symptoms have started at once and her short term memory is around half an hour at best, often less.

Yesterday it was just the two of us, which is worse than when we are all there, and she was asking how my parents were, if I had any children etc.
I said, yes I have two children, and I gave their ages and names. My mum then said - are they good children? Do they do well at school?
And I replied that they did and that they were doing very well and were kind and bright children. My mum said I must be proud of them, and I agreed I was.

She then said - hah, you’re doing better than I did with mine then, waste of time.

She then asked if my daughter was ‘pretty’ and like an idiot I walked into this one and said yes and my mum replied and said, mine wasn’t even pretty, sad for a little girl to not be pretty.

I’ve always known really that this is her opinion of me. Not that she’s said it before but I have always known on some level that I am a disappointment to her.
However it has really upset me. We live with my parents at the moment due to various reasons and so there’s not much space unfortunately from it.

It’s made me feel like I don’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. I’ve always felt ugly and like I’m not as good as other people. I don’t want to even do the school run because I don’t want to be seen in public.
I know this is a massive overreaction but I don’t know how to stop feeling it. And I don’t know what I could have done differently to not be a disappointment to my mum. I’ve not had a high flying career but then when I did go back to work after the kids she told me how damaging it was to have my children in childcare…so I couldn’t win really. I think she’s disappointed in me, as a person, rather than anything I’ve achieved or not achieved.

Sorry, I just needed to put this somewhere because I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like if that’s what my mother thinks of me then what hope is there?

There's a lot to unpack there. Firstly, I'm sorry about your mum, both her dementia and her attitude. It's unlikely some random person on the internet is going to make a difference and, I know it's easy to say but do think about counselling. Second, perhaps you aren't conventionally pretty but take a look around you at the school gates. I consider only about a quarter to a third of women are actually "pretty", which is very subjective. The ones who are attractive are not necessarily the same. Those are the ones who look you in the eye, smile genuinely and easily, show an interest and are kind. That is who you should aspire to be. Third, your choice of working and using childcare is absolutely ok (as would being a SAHM), your mum is a product of her era unfortunately. You can be a role model to your children and show them women can work outside the house and have that choice in this era.

Why is your Mums opinion so critical? She could be wrong. But even if her opinion is right, it's only right FOR HER. Not for anyone else. Not for you (unless you decide its correct)

In my experience with dementia, people don’t always speak the truth! My gentle sweet gran who loved animals nearly killed a toad when she found one-in the garden - she wouldn’t have done that pre-dementia. So please don’t put too much stock in what she is saying is the point.
I would also recommend doing some positive self talk, it feels strange at first but it really does help. You are as wonderful as anyone else on the planet, with lots to offer. Start building yourself up bit by bit. Honestly positive self talk has helped me so much, I used to have very low self esteem as well, and while I’m 100% confident all the time I definitely feel more able, and better about myself. Check out the book Coffee Self-Talk.

This article might help you to start understanding why you think the way you do, and to begin making changes;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

That sounds really tough. If you’ve had a lifetime of being criticised by your mother, it’s no wonder your self-esteem is on the floor.

I’d echo the advice to get some counselling. If you cannot afford to pay privately, get on the NHS waiting list - better to have it in a year than not at all. And in the meantime there are lots of free resources online.

The one thing I tell myself when I’m feeling low is “Just because your brain thinks it, doesn’t make it true!” You are valued and loved.