Help me manage stress and anxiety

[LegoFrame]

I flip-flopped over putting this into Chat because ‘Mental Health’ feels too serious but… I guess it is serious.

I’d appreciate some tips and ideas for managing my stress levels and feelings of anxiousness. I do have a lot of day to day stress that can’t be eliminated, I have two children with complex medical issues, one of who also has significant SEN and all the stuff that comes with that and so I unavoidably have a lot of balls in the air - I’m not really looking for advice on that*.

However I feel like I overreact to the stress, my kids issues are serious but not life threatening. I find even regular appointments stressful between planning timings, parking, preparing, childcare for the child whose not having an appointment etc - but we have two a month on average and in truth I have an excellent routine for them. I just find it so stressful. More complex appointments (or school issues, or whatever) send me into a deeper tailspin, I lose a lot of sleep, I feel my insides churning, develop headaches. Occasionally I even get palpitations.

I know this level of stress and anxiety isn’t good for me, but I would really like to attempt to manage this myself rather than going to a GP because that will just be another thing for me to worry about! Any resources, websites, suggestions?

*for those you who are consummate problem solvers I want to confirm that I am accessing all the external support that is available to me, I am organised, I have a cleaner, my husband is genuinely supportive and hands on (not just a Mumsnet ‘good father’ but actually a good man, husband and father who takes full responsibility for as much as he can whilst also providing a listening ear and tea/sympathy as needed).

Two things to bear in mind. Stress doesn't exist as an entity in itself, it's our emotional reaction to events around us. That's why two people can experience exactly the same event but respond completely differently. Maybe propanol (on your doctor's advice, notwithstanding your comment), breathing exercises, mediation/yoga or sharing the appointment burden with your husband are potential options?

Secondly anxiety is the emotion that's triggered when there's something that's too important to overlook/ignore. When you do try to 'push it down' it will simply intensify – because that's it's role. So listen to what your mind is trying to alert you about, acknowledge it and reassure yourself that you are in control.

Hey op. Im experiencing similar. I have a high needs SEN child who doesn't sleep well. The sleep deprivation gets me the most. There's a SEN parent support thread on here you could join. I also think you may benefit from some therapy? Its told apparently SEN parents should seek therapy. Noone gets it unless in a similar situation, its hard. I live for the weekends where I enjoy our days out and not have to worry so much. Glad your dh is supportive that helps massively! Can you book some nice family days out to look forward to?

I don’t want to be That Poster but if one of your DC has SEN, there’s a chance you may have an outlier nervous system as well. The things you mention that particularly stress you out are textbook ND executive function overwhelm stressors - parking, planning and sequencing, not knowing exactly how things are going to go even when an appointment is routine (and I imagine appts outside of a regular routine are super stressful). Have a read of Looking After Your Autistic Self, for some good mental health / stress management tips that really get the impact of planning & sequencing & transitions.

Thanks everyone for your helpful thoughts. @Eyesopenwideawakebreathing exercises, meditation, yoga is the sort of thing I am after I think. I’m actually already on Propranolol (for chronic migraines), it has massively improved my migraines but not made a dent in my stress levels - maybe I will ask if the dose can be increased.

@Helplessandheartbroke sorry to hear you are in a similar boat. I note that i can self-refer to NHS ‘talking therapies’ so maybe I will look into this. I worry that it’ll be anything this to add to my load though (planning what to say, managing appointments etc)!

@VoltaireMittyDreaminteresting thoughts but my DC doesn’t have a heritable condition like autism or ADHD; there is no diagnoses like this in my immediate family and (perhaps with the exception of my ability to manage stress) I tick no boxes on those list, even allowing for the classic female masking differences. I actually cope fine with plans changing and don’t particularly need routines - it’s managing my SEN child though these things and keeping all my balls in the air that gets me. DC has a chromosomal condition that I definitely do not have.

Box breathing – practise when you're not stressed until it becomes second nature

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Progressive muscle relaxation. Do this before you go to bed, make it part of your routine.

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@LegoFrame fair enough!

I also find it helpful, when I’m getting stressed out by logistics and planning and getting places with my DC (also with SEN so it’s never entirely straightforward) to frame it as overwhelm rather than stress or anxiety. So that I’m not thinking ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘this is a nightmare’ or ‘what is wrong with me’ so much as ‘there’s a temporary bottleneck in my mind that will clear in a minute if I ease off and stop trying to shove things through it’

It also strikes me that you suggest you don’t believe your life isn’t genuinely stressful enough to justify your stress levels. This makes me think you might be a highly competent person with high standards, and that you could probably do with being a LOT kinder and more patient with yourself. Parenting kids with SEND is complicated, and full of uncertainty and paperwork and appointments and decisions that most people don’t have to make. If you’re constantly telling yourself you’re the problem, or the way you feel in the problem, this will just be adding to the feeling of stress.

I 100% know what you mean about most stress reduction measures just taking more time and faff and organising, which is the last thing you want to do when you’re overwhelmed. Maybe pick one that fits into your routine and doesn’t feel like yet more work - a guided meditation to fall asleep to, or one of those heated eye massager masks as you get migraines.

It can be really helpful just to send the message to your body that you are caring for it and encouraging it to rest, rather than trying to squeeze more efficiency out of it.

Have you heard of a worry tree. I think it could be useful for you. I did personally find it ok, but too time consuming to keep up. It's a cognitive behavioural therapy strategy I think.

Basically, have a notebook on you and when you have a worry, write it down. Then, at scheduled 'worry times' sort your worries into ones you can control and ones you can't. The ones you can control, make a plan for how to tackle them. The ones beyond your control, use some kind of meditation to let them go. Maybe imagine them floating away.