DD, 16, self harm and the rest…

[BeethovenNinth]

I have posted about her before. I really just need any ideas for anything else I can try and also any good news stories…

Covid lockdown destroyed her and she dropped out of school after lockdown with a kind of breakdown after anorexia. It has been an incredibly bumpy number of years.

we have never managed any professional help - CAHMs wouldn’t see her properly as she wasn’t “ill enough”, GP wouldn’t help and it has been torrid. We ended up in A and E a few times - who sent us home! - and medical experiences now traumatise her completely

A lovely local counsellor has really helped and a local tutor got her part time back to school. she is back volunteering twice a week with local kids (she loves children).

she now has exams and assignments looming and despite zero pressure from me, her perfectionist traits are coming out and she is self harming again and missing key classes.

the self harming she says is her only way to cope - she doesn’t want to be anorexic. We have discussed it and we are very close but it’s heartbreaking.

I am now:

• getting her to see her old counsellor for a chat about assignments/exams
• we have discussed asking the GP for anti depressants but she is adamant she doesn’t want them (I think due to weight gain concerns and I know this doesn’t always happen)
• we have discussed safety around self harm (steep learning curve for me). She is upset she can’t wear t shirts in the summer. I very much see it as an addiction
• she assures me she isn’t suicidal. Her weight is healthy.
• when school holidays come, she is remarkably better - the self harm and disordered eating goes

what about nicotine gum as a way to help? A lot of my friends and my mum smoked in teens as a coping mechanism. I obviously don’t want her smoking or vaping but I read about nicotine and how it can help with feelings - I guess it feels a “better” addiction than the self harm. (I know I sound crazy but at this stage all options are open!)

anyone else have any other experience? I try not to look long term but I feel v scared actually. She is a lovely and beautiful person who effectively lost her life’s joy after lockdown.

Hopeful slightly desperate bump

I am sorry that sounds tough. I think swapping one sort of coping for another which is probably equally unhealthy isn’t the way forward but I do hear that you are at the end of your tether.

Have you had a look at the Childline website, and also Young Minds and a charity called Harmless? Many people do self harm so as you say, safer self harm is a really good aim but that’s tough for parents. It’s positive that she isn’t suicidal but this is a coping mechanism so taking one such away can lead to her finding others, which you clearly already know. It’s also positive that she will engage with support.

I guess ideally you would find out what she feels she is coping with but in the interim the resources might help you both. This is hard stuff, for everyone. Take care of you as well.

Nicotine gum gives a lifeong addiction and can cause oral cancers. If she doesnt smoke pls don't give her a nicotine addiction.

Most anti depressants don't cause weight gain. And even if they do she needs to gain weight surely?

I hope the counsellor helps. Could you afford a private ED specialist?

Nicotine gum very bad idea.

the self harm is telling you she is not coping.
my dd in similar circs took anti depressants and did put on a lot of weight which also made her feel ashamed.

any way you can reduce the pressure on her?

i’m sorry there is no nhs help. This was also my experience.

She needs a consistent counsellor who she sees every week - if you can afford it I would just go private.

It is a really tough time the 'teens' especially for that generation. I feel for you having to try and guide her through it.

You haven't mentioned phones or social media - what's that like?

I would try to spend time outdoors as much as you can. It's great she's volunteering so that's all really positive.

What about pets? I wondered if a puppy or kitten would be a distraction and a way to get her into dog walks. Obviously depends on her and your own lifestyle.

Whats the family unit like - is DH around? Any sibling issues?

Thanks.

yes phones - not good but her one friend that remains by her - it was lifeline when she wasn’t at school. . I try to guide her on sensible phone use but we are miles away from removing it. I do check her phone but it’s tricky as she is now 16.

we have two dogs and a cat that she loves. She has a great relationship with her siblings. DH cannot cope with any of it and does his best in the way that men do. She is v close to me.

she is fully weight restored and more and she battles with body image - she really doesn’t want ADs. We sorted the anorexia through various means none of which involved CAHMs who were utterly rubbish (finally saw a nurse who told me she was “cured” because clever DD talked her way through it - nurse told me she was well
trained to see through it all and yet still missed it. DD told me on the way home that she had managed to trick them. You get the idea - she is smart and also scared of the medical system due to various traumas)

I think restarting her old counsellor might help. She went as far as she could with her before and didn’t really gel with any new counsellors. We are lucky we have some funds to throw at it but not a bottomless pit of cash.

i really want someone to tell me to hang in there and that it will be rocky but by and large she will get there. She is doing so much better overall. I’m utterly exhausted with it all.

appreciate all views

yes the nicotine gum - I’m aware I sound utterly mad but I guess I’m desperate and view the nicotine addicts of my youth as using it to manage their emotions in a way that seems more healthy than cutting. Mouth ulcers and oral cancer later in life seems small beer compared to the knife cutting

I am not in the UK any more so can't help with who to contact in terms of counsellors. Though if you can find someone she trusts, that's fantastic. But I was in your shoes 3-4 years ago with my DD who was self-harming and had an eating disorder.

I think it's very positive that she is volunteering doing something she loves. It is hard, but I found focusing on what my DD loved doing helped us get through it. It can be just little things.

For us, we went down the antidepressant route. She didn't gain weight and it helped lift her up enough to cope better with everyday situations. But if your DD has a certain impression of ADs, then it would be hard to convince her otherwise and I would respect her decision. I have had an eating disorder myself and I know I was terrified of putting on weight.

It's incredibly difficult when you're in the thick of it, but please hang in there and to the fact that she's doing better. That is progress, even if you still have a little way to go.

Hi OP,

Absolutely hang in there and totally believe it will get better.

I have a story of hope for you but not entirely related:- My close family member also didn't go back to school around lockdown as it coincided with her being in chronic pain and having an operation which left her in more pain. She would have been 14 so older than your DD. She was only going in an hour or two a week throughout GCSEs. Basically got herself through them with limited study. Luckily quite bright so seemed to do ok and must have been given extra marks for the health stuff. She luckily finally got the help she needed in terms of pain medication and started at a new school for sixth form and attended full time. Now at uni and doing good.

Appreciate your story more challenging as has gone on a lot longer.

I understand what you are saying about phones but I do think they are a huge cause of bad feeling. I think you definitely need to know what she's looking at and make sure she's not on instagram/tiktok. These apps absolutely destroy mental health and cause huge anxiety.

What does she want to do after GCSEs? How many is she taking? I think you need to try and reframe them with her. Minimise the pressure as much as you can and almost act as if they are SATs (which they aren't). It sounds like some sort of childcare course at college or something like that might be good. Something which gets her away from traditional schooling.

What's happening during the day, is anyone home with her or home alone?

I also wanted to add that I found the book 'Never let go' by Suzanne Alderson really helpful. She also has a Facebook group.

This sounds terrible but the advice I was given for my DD by several psychiatrists (including when she was an in-patient) was to not to try and stop the cuttin completely (it is a coping mechanism and other forms of self-harm can be more dangerous) but to talk to her about self-harming safely (some places are worse to cut than others), to make sure disinfectant and plasters were available (but not to do wound care for her) and for her to be able to recognise when it needed stitches and to be able to tell me if it did.

She self-harmed for over 10 years (and was on antidepressants for most of this time) but has now been self-harm free for three.

So there is hope but it may take a very long time.

For some people distraction techniques work: putting an ice cube on your skin, pinging an elastic band on your wrist etc. but none of these worked for my DD.

What did help was years of private therapy and I think maturity.

Thank you to all that replied. It’s so helpful.

Roseau - it doesn’t sound terrible and it’s also what I have been told. So hard though! I am so glad there was light for you. I worry about the scars

I self harmed in my teens and it was a total attention seeking thing to do.
In a way it's a cry for help but really I was just making ridiculous decisions.

I never enjoyed it, it was definitely to be seen to be "damaged".

What kind of people is she hanging around with..?

I self harmed and have horrific scars from it. Wide, thick and long ones they eventually turned into keliods. Mine wasnt attention seeking as nobody knew I was doing it I hid it never went to a hospital for stitches because then id be caught. I also smoked so I dont think it really helped.

Im very possibly undiagnosed adhd but no one is doing appointments atm (Scotland)
People would always say very bright just needs to apply herself.

I grew out of it by about 20. I still want too some days but distract myself as it dosent have any benefit.

Distraction helps big time its like a physical wound for whatever emotional wound you have its easier to process it that way.

About the scars. The in-patient unit role played with her what to say to people when they asked/commented. For several years she wore arm sleeves with summer tops to hide the scars but no longer does. She says if other peoole can't deal with them that's their problem not hers. Unfortunately (from my point of view) I don't think they will ever fade completely.

I don't want to project but dd was diagnosed as Autistic at 13 after similar symptoms - the masking got too hard, she became more perfectionist and simply couldn't cope or find another way to express her emotions. She is having help now with things that might be perceived by some as silly - sitting at the back in classes so she doesn't feel people watching her for example - and has someone to talk to at school.

With dd it is anxiety rather than depression, too much all going on internally all at once. I want something that would calm her as it almost feels like a hormonal imbalance. They are very reluctant to medicate under 16 though.

Going the other way I wondered if a smash room or whatever they are called (where women go to get their anger out on household appliances) would be good.

As the previous poster said, I also didn't self harm for attention. No one knew I was doing it until I was hospitalised in my early 20's for something unrelated. All through school I wore long sleeved shirts and clothes and had the care-free act I had carefully curated so no one would ask any questions as I was always cheering up other people. For me I managed to stop after my hospital stay, but switched to heavy smoking and drinking instead. They gave me therapy in the hospital and it felt like a plug came out and suddenly I couldn't STOP talking about my feelings, but I needed the crutch of drinking to talk about anything remotely serious in public. It can take years of work to get over self-perceptions and build coping strategies - I don't smoke or drink at all now. In hindsight I should have kept up with therapy but I couldn't afford it and my parents didn't know.

If anyone is worried about scars, yes I still have mine but I wonder if the silicone strips and butterfly stitches you can buy would be an idea? I think mine would have been less wide if I had had those options, but I really didn't care at the time, so a parent would possibly need to apply them. Since I stopped smoking I have urges to do it again, the sense of relief it gave feels similar to me somehow to nicotine rush, but as the pp said, it has no benefit and I can look at it logically now as yet another scar I will have and distract myself instead.

i have reread the above as we wound up in A and E last night thinking she had infected wounds. She is ok.

she told me that last year she tried vodka in the house for a few nights but didn’t like it. I was shocked as she would have been 15. Less shocked if she tried drinking outside the house. She was surprised I was shocked. (I don’t drink myself, mainly for health reasons; have never drunk seriously)

in desperation I did buy her a vape last week and as she doesn’t work,
I will buy the top ups to monitor it. She has been used it to lift her and it works a little.

she tells me she is too sensitive for this world (not in a suicidal way; in a non coping way) and of course I reassure her she isn’t and will grow and develop. But five years into this I’m feeling scared she is maybe right

Sorry to hear that OP, hope you are both ok and resting today.

I really think sertraline might make a huge difference to her as it helps with anxiety and depression. With the weight gain the key is the medication itself won't make you gain weight. For some people it might increase your appetite meaning you eat more, however she can make sure there's healthy snacks in etc if she's worried about that.

What about trying some acupuncture or hypnotherapy? Sometimes I think just trying something helps with feeling hopeful.
Acupuncture would likely involve rolling sleeves up etc in case that's an issue.

❤️