Afraid to trust people and it makes me so lonely

[Giraffediver]

I was very depressed as a child (I realised this when I got older) and during a big part of my life. I have always struggled with my health, physical and mental, but my family basically said (literally in my mum’s case!) it was all my own fault. I was also bullied as a child for being too sensitive (I cried in the street, because I just didn’t feel safe anywhere and was completely worn down) I basically I grew up with constant criticism and no support. I was just wrong in everybody’s eyes. Now, in my fifties, after tons of therapy with some lovely therapists, I feel like I have finally moved on and I can just be my own person, and I am not depressed any more. It feels amazing! And I have a fantastic little family now myself. But…!

Outside of our little family, I am still sooo scared, I don’t trust anyone, I always feel like they will turn against me when I am being myself and not on my best behaviour (which I am often not because I don’t feel well.) It is exhausting, this fear every time I go out the door. I have tried really hard to not let my old feelings get in the way with friends and in the wider community, but it gives me so much stress to stay present in social situations, after a while I withdraw and then the loneliness comes, again. I am just so utterly fed up of still being scared of people all the time! It’s this endless cycle of getting out there, feeling nervous, but getting positive feelings and being accepted. But then, the stress and triggers gets too much and I just can’t move on! I know, it’s a process, little steps, but I feel so lonely as it’s not something I can talk about IRL. I think I would just like to hear from other people who feel utterly alone (still) in the family that they grew up in, and who just keep getting triggered and just can’t do it, to be out there and being a part of a group, community, or friendship. Thank you for reading

Go back to the loveliest of your therapists and do some more work – being your own person means not worrying about what other people think, because you are happy and secure in yourself.

Thank you. Yes, I might have to do that. So utterly fed up that I’m still battling this! I have just had quite a long time where I genuinely felt happy and secure in myself, so I felt confident to go out more and meet new people just being me. But turns out lots of situations still trigger me. I guess because it is the first time in my life I am actually out there being how I really am. I feel so vulnerable, it’s unbearable. God, I’ll get there, one day!

I could have written the same as you. Similar age and lonely but find it so difficult to make meaningful connections. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in those feelings.

This might help you put things into perspective.

When it comes to social anxiety, we tend to amplify every thought, moment,
and action in our minds as terrifyingly significant, sometimes stressing us to the point of panic. We become so afraid of others' judgement that it can paralyse us, preventing us from acting on our desires and wishes.

However, it's often useful to gain some clarity in such situations. We need to realise and accept that the sense of extreme importance we attribute to our actions is, in fact, a biased perception. Ultimately, our actions only matter to ourselves.

Bear in mind this statement: 'Nothing matters and nobody cares'. At first, this might not seem like the most inspiring message. But in the grand scheme of things, our individual actions are totally insignificant and people aren't as interested in what we do as we might believe. Do you judge others or are you too busy judging yourself to notice anything other than the most superficial details of those around you? Exactly. And the vast majority of the people you meet are doing precisely the same thing.

So, when anxiety rises, particularly about potential judgements or outcomes, it’s worth remembering that essentially, nothing matters and nobody cares.

HTH.

Yes, I have heard that before, and it does help a bit. Some people do care what you do and say, though, and not in a good way. They can make your life pretty miserable or hurt you physically. That’s my experience from when I was a child and teenager. So the fear is very real, it’s basically a trauma response. Adult brain goes out the window. So yeah, therapy good shout. Until you mentioned it, I’d forgotten about my lovely trauma therapist! As I said, fed up of having to deal with my ‘issues’!

Hi Cauli, thank you for replying! Sorry to see that you are feeling the same and that you recognise my story. Do you want to say a bit more about your situation? I find that I’m okay when I first go somewhere, new house, new club, etc. People always tell me I seem so confident as well. But when I get to know people a bit and I become a bit more settled in a group or a place, that’s when the fear comes. But at the moment being on my own often then wins, rather than being stressed all the time, and it is lonely to just not know many people and not feel connected