am i weird or mad

[metmoo]

since i was a kid i had thyroid problem a squint and a lisp. i was bullied mercilessly till i left school, as well as being on the big side with no family support at all. now with a very low opinion of myself i am struggling. im on my third marriagge after 1st 2 were mentally and physically abusive. my eldest kid has adhd too. i find it hard to mix with people apart from work mates but dont get invited out by them. some times i can talk freely to people but most of the time i stumble on my words or just clam up or talk crap just for the sake of talking. when i pick kids up from school i stand on my own. i also get funny looks off people if i try and smile at them. eye contact is impossible to give apart from my husband.im a compulsive shopper even though we're in deep debt. i get angry with myself and everyone else including kids and have a short fuse i feel like im cracking up.. my husband is great and i love him but he said its not me its other peop;le which isnt true its me not surewhats wrong with me or what to do about it help

You don't sound weird or mad, you sound like you've been through some really really difficult time and you have very low self esteem.

You need to find a way to build that back up, and start by not labelling yourself as weird or mad. Maybe some counselling would help you, or CBT, or some kind of confidence building.

maybe something here would be helpful

metmoo, you sound like you are really low at the moment. Have you always felt like that or has it come on recently?

Just one more thing from me, - I looked at your profile, please take out the bit where you say that your looks are 'ugh' and anything negative - I saw your picture and you're lovely! You have a lovely warm smile, great bone structure, you look so nice. I can see why you'd have a downer on yourself after all the hard times you've had, but you have to start being nice to yourself! It's not your fault and you deserve to be happy.

Metmoo, are you loved? You are - and you are, because you deserve to be loved. You are lovable. This hasn't got anything to do with looks. My dp is 18st and 5ft 8ins. He also is overweight, but the loveliest man I've ever met. It's not all about the outside. Beautiful people who are bitches are no more lovable than ugly people who are bitches. They might get shagged more, but they still won't be loved. Please, please truly believe that if you are loved it's because you deserve to be.

Try a Paul McKenna trick - go and look at yourself in the mirror, and try to see the woman your children see when they look at you. Try to look at yourself through the eyes of the people who love you. You will begin to love yourself too. (((I'm sending you a massive hug whether you want it or not)))

thanks for all your kind words one thing im glad about is my husband gives great hugs

Hi Metmoo. Glad you came back to the thread. Littlewoman's advice is fab.

metmoo, a huge hug from me too.
You are not weird nor mad! You've had to cope with so much. You were bullied so so badly when young, it is no wonder that this has nocked your confidence.
I looked at your picture, you are a really lovely looking. The problem is that when one has low self esteem, you don't see it yourself.
You are doing an amazing job working with people who have learning disabilities, I am full of admiration for people like you, you need strength, patience and lots of love in your heart to do this type of job.
You have alot going for you, a great job, a husband that clearly adores you, and a lovely family.
I remember when I was little my Dad had this habbit of spending too much on his credit card, well my mum took a pair of scissor and cut his credit cards in half! He was forced to start using only money he had in his account. To this day he doesn't have credit cards!!