I don’t know what to do to make life bearable

[Slapitonyourbutty]

I don’t really know what I’m expecting from writing this but I just want to put it somewhere. Usual caveats around not hurting myself, not in any danger etc. I would never do that.

I just don’t want to do this any more. I’ve had depression since I was a young teenager. I think now that it’s because I’m autistic (been referred, waiting for assessment) and everything just feels like it wasn’t meant for me. I can’t handle things. Or if I do handle things, it takes a lot out of me to the point where it takes me a long time to get over them.

The example now being that we’ve just moved house. It’s meant a lot of contacting people I don’t know to do bits of work. That’s bad enough, but I’m currently spiralling about a bit of work that’s been done that I’m not sure is safe. It’s electrical work, so how would I know it’s safe - I’m not an electrician, that’s what I pay them for. It sounds so stupid written down. But today I’m going to have to find another electrician to come and check the work of the first electrician…my brain just won’t switch off from it and then I get upset because surely this isn’t what everyone goes through with every little thing that happens in their lives? I could just not get the work done, but the house doesn’t feel like my home at the moment and that also makes me uncomfortable and unable to relax and like this was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I can’t put any more on DH. He has a stressful job which we need him to keep because I don’t work.

This is just the latest example. This has been my whole life. It is physically painful for me to exist because everything that I should be able to do, I can’t. Everything I should enjoy is followed with something that makes me sad. I’ve had jobs in the past that I’ve loved and given up because I was scared of losing them so it was easier to run away than be chucked out. I don’t work at the moment and can’t see a way back in.

I am so fortunate. I have a brilliant DH and a daughter who is my whole world. I have a new house. I have family who sort of understand that I’m not totally okay and don’t push me.

I’m not on any medication at the moment. I’ve tried so many in my life and I just don’t think they work for me. They make me fatter and slower. I slept through my daughter’s early years because I was so medicated. I speak to an NHS psychiatrist every six months or so and last time he prescribed venlafaxine but I can’t take it because I’m worried I won’t be able to function. But I’m not functioning anyway. I’ve just finished six weeks of talking therapy which was basically just having nice chats with someone.

Thanks for reading if you’ve got that far. And again for the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn’t hurt myself.

Im sorry youre feeling this way, it sounds exhausting.

The hyper focus on the electrical work sounds like more than depression (unless there's a reason to think the work is unsafe). Is it normal for you to hyper focus on something or something new?

Sorry to hear how tough you are finding life, it must be exhausting for you and you also seem very conscious of not wanting to burden family, which is understandable, but at the same time I think you might need to let them know you’re struggling at the moment in case they can offer more support.

On a practical note, depending on what kind of work was done you might be able to get a ‘certificate’ of works done from that electrician/company. We had to chase ours for it after the works were completed as it was needed to show the next buyer that it was done to the correct standard. So perhaps contact them (if you can face it) or google what you had done and see if it ought to come with that sort of certificate/ guarantee of standards. Also have a think about how you chose this electrician as you probably did some checking of their credentials at that point?- was it based on reviews from somewhere legit like checkatrade? What does the electrician’s website say in terms of their qualifications? I am sure there will be some hard evidence of some sort of their safety and standards compliance which might put your mind at ease a little?

Understand your point about medication. Have you found anything kinds of exercise helpful? A morning walk to get the sunlight on your face (when it finally appears!) can make a difference to how you feel. I have to remind myself of that as find it a massive chore and struggle to motivate myself at times but always feel better afterwards.

I could describe myself similar to you .i am also on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. Also hoping to move . Did you write another post about not being able to sleep since you moved. Would you like to be friends online ? I can inbox you my FB details if you would. It sounds like you have a real treasure with your daughter. I recently thought I was spiralling but I took Promethazine for a few nights and it stopped the panic attacks and the nightmares. I am only going to take them if I need them .

Autistic people have less mental spoons that neurotypical people because they are processing everything differently, you are not lesser, just different. You've spent your life trying to act and function as neurotypical person (masking) and it's burnt you out - this is my opinion on what you've posted.

Look up neurowild - most of the resources are aimed at children with autism but it doesn't matter, the psychologist who owns it is autistic herself and the way she explains this really might help you to understand yourself better and how your neurodiverse brain works and ways to support that.

When your brain is already tired and wired for threat, even small uncertainties feel huge. That doesn’t mean you’re incapable. It means you’re overwhelmed.

Also please don’t understand the stress of moving house and then, once you’ve moved, having to get the new house sorted. And dealing with trades. It’s not unreasonable to be finding this stressful, even if you thought you were NT. don’t be hard on yourself.