When did the resentment towards in-laws go away?

[Mumof1xo]

Ever since my son was born back in 2024 I’ve felt an awful sense of resentment towards my in-laws. They all visited constantly I had 1 day alone with baby after he was born that was it. My house felt like it had a revolving door. They all passed my son around at every visit which made me loose my milk supply because I barely got to hold him. So he was solely on formula after 6 weeks. I was exhausted, birth was quick but traumatic had emergency surgery lost an awful lot of blood and had many stitches. I never got a minutes rest for the first month of his life because my house was always full of visitors. I felt like I was robbed of this precious time. And that I didn’t matter I was just vessel to them at this point. My partner was and still is mortified after explaining to him postpartum was hell and he didn’t support me as well as he should’ve I had to yell at him to tell his family to leave us alone. It got to a point where our relationship was as on the rocks because of this. He’s a brilliant partner and father but he was very clueless about what postpartum would’ve been/ was like. (Head in the clouds) but he was so full of pride and wanted his family to see our son. he was unintentionally selfish. He was devastated when it hit him that he could’ve and should’ve prevented all of it. But nonetheless we survived postpartum and so did our relationship and 2 years later still thriving. But my mental health never fully recovered.
I still feel resentful towards some of his family especially because after the newborn phase had passed most of them haven’t bothered again since. My partner is now fully aware of the mistakes he made and how he should’ve supported me better. I don’t hold resentment towards my partner anymore because unfortunately he just didn’t think at the time which he is now well aware of and still thinks about. But I still cannot shake that time of my life was horrific because of them and the newborn stage with my son was stolen by people who don’t even care to ask about him or visit him now.
I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else who’s had a similar experience and how did you heal from it?

I’m sorry you had this experience. I know how stressful it is having guests when you have other things going on in your life, especially something as all-consuming as a new baby. The only comparable experience I had was my husband’s family staying two weeks post birth. I found cooking etc stressful and yes I was tired since I had an emergency c section and post partum infection etc.

But the main thing that pissed me off was that no-one helped. More than anything I just wanted healthy food and trying to shop and prepare for it was difficult while bf and my husband did not know how to do that. He became good at cooking later on but that was too late. Did your visitors also expect you to feed them?! How did they not realise you needed time to rest and be with your baby? You are justified in feeling resentful about that!

@Chocolatefreak Thankyou, I’m so sorry you had this experience too. I wasn’t expected to feed any of them. But it was the constant hosting needed to rush to get showered and ready they’d turn up while I was in the tub most of the time and the sheer panic of them all passing our son around while I wasn’t there then ended up with me feeling neglected by not eating etc because I wanted to be with my son. I just sat there in the corner grey and hungry most of the time. I just thought they would’ve all understood considering his family is all women. My partner is the only man in his family (3 sisters an mum) But turns out my family understood without being told they waited to be invited and didn’t over stay there welcome either my dad brought me drinks and snacks and asked about me. my family were brilliant but for my partners side they just didn’t care about me atall. I just need to be able to let go of all of this for the sake of my own mental wellbeing but I just can’t.

It's understandable to have felt resentment at how they behaved OP. However, I read a saying once that went "Resentment is like setting yourself on fire and waiting for others to die of smoke inhalation ". When you really think about it, the only person you're harming by holding on to these thoughts is yourself. Letting go of resentment isn't forgiving the perpetrator, it's a choice to bring peace to your own soul. If you're having difficulty letting the feelings go then maybe consider having some sessions with a counsellor.

@SparklyGlitterballs thankyou, you’re right I’m fully aware that only I can fix this because regardless of what they all did they can’t change it or take it back, what’s done is done. Which is why I’ve come on here to ask how people have got through something similar. I’m currently on a waiting list for therapy/ counselling as I have a number of things to work through since having my son that won’t just go away on their own. But I’m just struggling with it all in the meantime. Just trying to do all I can to protect my own peace.

Hiya, slightly different situation as my resentment and anger and grief were not generated by my in laws, but when I was struggling with those feelings after recovering from cancer treatment I got about 6 months of therapy. One of the most useful tools she gave me (which I sniffed a bit at at the time, I thought I was paying a lot of money to be told something so basic) was journaling. Seriously, just start writing it all down. Write down every horrible, angry and dramatic thought that you have. Stuff you would never say out loud, but that is rattling round your head all the time.

I did it both on my laptop on like a word doc, and in a notebook with a pen, both helped. I thought it would be a load of rubbish, but just getting stuff out of my head, no matter how repetitive, or how hard it was to read back, was really therapeutic.

If you are on a waitlist for therapy then you could start this now, and then have the talking part with someone when you are able to access it.

@reabies Thankyou so much for advice.
journaling is something I’ve done it years ago for other issues ive had but never really thought about doing it again. It really did help the last time I tried it so. Thankyou so much for bringing this back to my attention.

How often do you see them? I think the only way I would get over this was by not seeing them anymore or getting a divorce.

Major, major boundaries are needed going forward at the very least.

You've given your husband more grace than I could in this situation.

@MyLittleNest so we probably see them like once a month but this is where my postpartum resentment connects with.
The absolute audacity to ruin postpartum a then to disappear when the newborn novelty wears off. They never ask about our son or visit we’re expected to make all the effort if we never took our son over they wouldn’t see him atall. I don’t put effort in on my part to arrange anything it comes all from my partner. But it breaks his heart to pieces that they don’t care enough but mine is just full of resentment and anger towards them.

I think you should try to look at it as you did your husband. You say he just didn’t realise well… maybe neither did they. Why does he, the person closest to you, get a pass but they don’t?

Accept that nobody meant any malice. They were all just stupid and head in the clouds and they don’t matter.

@GoldenCupsatHarvestTime
Because he has showed up for us every single day and tried his absolute best to be the best father and partner.
They on the other hand do not ask about any of us anymore, show no interest in our son.
They started off like they cared deeply with excessive visiting but in reality it was just a novelty to them because now we don’t matter at all . I’d probably be less resentful if they still continued to visit but it’s like i suffered away for absolutely nothing. It’s feels like the newborn stage was all about/ for them but once he could hold his head up the fun is over. I feel quite literally shat on.

I wonder if one of the difficult things here is that healing means (in part) learning to trust yourself that you won't let such a situation happen to you again - i.e. that you will speak up, set boundaries in advance, think about your own needs etc.

"When does the resentment towards in-laws go away?"

When you let go of it.