Am I a fraud?

[dreamingofsummer5]

I have always felt ashamed and like I’m a fraud to think or ever say I have mental health problems or struggles.

I struggle with anxiety and OCD. I’ve been on and off various ADs for 20 years since being a teenager. I stop taking them and then end up back on them within a year.

The worst time was during lockdown. I developed OCD about the strangest things - I thought I’d signed up to things by accident and bailiffs would be at my door for thousands of pounds. I worried that I may have accidentally done something wrong while driving and didn’t realise. I was checking things over and over to reassure myself but it didn’t stop the stress. I didn’t realise at the time this was OCD.

But this also affected my eating. I was stressed and didn’t want to eat but I also felt control when I saw the weight loss. I was a BMI of 17 and size 4 was too big for me. When my periods stopped I realised I needed help and ADs again. I am a healthy weight now but my digestion has never been quite the same, I have IBS symptoms, heart burn, and issues digesting food I didn’t before.

Over the last few years I’ve been mostly ok while on ADs, therapy and coping techniques. I’m now trying to stop taking them and already feeling anxious. ADs help the problems but they give me other issues like sleep disruptions and headaches. I’ve been on many different ones and get to a point where I want to stop.

I am very private about my issues. People who know me think I’m calm but I keep it all inside. Truth is I struggle everyday but I want to be ‘normal’ like everyone else. I don’t want to be restricted. But even though I know my anxiety is irrational, I can’t help feeling nauseous, worried and dizzy when it gets bad. I feel I’m always exhausted too.

I feel like everyone gets worried and has anxiety and I’m no different to others so shouldn’t think I have a problem. I am ashamed to tell my workplace even when I should have. I just feel like a fraud who should get on with things like everybody else.

I'm not sure I understand your question.
Are you asking if you're a "fraud" because your inner feelings don't match your outer demeanor? Surely not. You know that's true of all people.
Are you asking if you're a "fraud" because you don't confess your innermost feelings to your co-workers? Surely not. You know that wouldn't be appropriate.
Or are you wondering about something else entirely? Is "fraud" even the right word?

I suppose I mean, I feel like I’m a fraud to think or say I have mental health problems / struggles. Like I should just get on with it and not expect any allowances for having these problems.

In the past I’ve had to voice my problems when it’s got to a certain point and I’ve received some reasonable adjustments (extra time in an exam for example). I’ve felt guilty for getting special treatment, like a liar.

If your MH issues impact your life significantly then you are not a fraud.

I get anxious at times, that's normal.
Whereas my DD's anxiety and OCD germ concerns significantly impacts her.

This sounds like the intrusive thoughts from your OCD talking, OP. You clearly do have mental health problems, and they are obviously quite serious at times, so you’re quite right to seek help and accommodation - it sounds like you could do with more help, not less. Do you have regular talking therapy alongside the medication? It seems like it might be a good idea to get that arranged so you can sense check the way you feel about yourself and explore some more effective coping strategies. You’ve done amazingly well to beat an eating disorder, that is something you should be proud of. Don’t let all that good work go to waste by listening to those intrusive thoughts making you feel bad - that’s just your illness talking.

Oh, how refreshing! In America, people are brought up to think they all deserve special treatment!

I think you should stop using the word "fraud." It's completely inappropriate. You're making me think that you don't understand what "fraud" and "liar" actually mean.

So maybe you should start by framing it differently. It sounds as if maybe it would be more accurate to say that sometimes you feel anxious or needy. That's fine, and that's normal. But maybe it's time for you to try to lean more on therapy and less on anti-depressants (which is what I assume AD stands for).

Op, I mean this gently, I don’t have any of these issues, and I don’t know anyone who does, so I’d say no you’re far from a fraud, you’re unwell and you should seek all the help available. Good luck,