Struggling looking after baby alone

[OneFluentLilacTiger]

Hey mums, I don't normally take to these sort of things as I'm pretty introverted but I'm looking for advice. My son is 10 months old and probably one of the easiest babies to look after and I love him with all my heart. I have a partner at home who works a lot of hours between 45-60 hours a week and when he comes home aside from the cooking he just rests. He does look to my son when I'm working but leaves the house a mess. I do only 30+ hours a week but I've been up for every night feed since my C section because SO doesn't wake up. I'm honestly feeling really burnt out from cleaning the house, looking after my son, picking up and dropping off at nursery and working 30+ hours a week. I've spoke to my partner asking for help and occasionally he will begrudgingly help until it falls on deaf ears. Due to working weekends I've had to rely on family to look to my son when I'm stuck in work due to nursery not being open weekends. On the odd occasion I could do with my son being in nursery during a weekday to play catch up on things or look after myself even if it's for one day out of a week but now my mother (his grandma) is shaming me for this and telling me I need to spend time with him but he's never left my side when I'm not at work nor have I had a date night/child free evening like most parents. I'm honestly in tears weekly because I feel my village no matter what I do shames me but I truly never get time to myself since going back to work and feel I can't ask for help now. What would you do?

Put your little one in childcare and don’t tell anyone.
It's essential to get some downtime, you need a break.
In a perfect world your partner or family would help but sadly life isn’t perfect.

Drop them off, go home, sit on the sofa, rest, sleep..whatever you need to do.

Little ones are relentless, look after yourself.

Thank you. I honestly feel like I'm doing wrong if I send them in but my friend who's a practitioner said it was good for his development. I'm just desperate for some me time even if it's getting a hair cut for a change or going out for a meal.

He just rests (?!) That part stuck out to me.

Did he tell you before you got pregnant that you would essentially be a single mother? If not, and he implied he would be an active father, I would leave him.

DH is a SAHP and regardless of how much I work, when we’re both at home it’s 50/50 parenting. He never has to ask, or risk getting overwhelmed because we are a family and nobody gets to opt out. I want to spend time with them, even if I’m tired and overworked.

The PP nailed it, you need a break and your child will benefit from childcare. I just think the bigger issue is the fact that your partner isn’t doing the bare minimum in terms of being a parent and you deserve better.

Why are you the only one getting up to do a night feed? Express or use formula, but it's time your SO split the nights 50:50 with you. You need an unbroken nights' sleep every other night too.

Some men are plain selfish - they're not going to just offer up a fair deal: you need to just tell him how it's going to be.

Agree with the PPs advice about getting more time to yourself during the day. You're going to end up seriously exhausted mentally and physically if you don't prioritise your needs.

Leaving him would sadly mean I couldnt afford our house seeing as though he brings in the income so I'd have nowhere to go and living with my mother would be my worst nightmare at this point after the comments that have been made about the time I did pop him in nursery for a day because I was burnt out. It's so tough, I want to give my son the world but I'm getting so physically sick and mentally burnt out now. I still show up and smile for my LO but yeah I feel like a single mother. It's more of a kick in the teeth because I was raised by my grandparents while my mum worked and went to university. My aunt can palm her kid off for a whole week to my grandparents and nobody bats and eyelid but I'm simply not allowed to send him to nursery on my day off or ask family for help without a lot of heavy judgement, like there has to be a valid reason like me being at work for him to be looked after otherwise he just won't. I've tried waking my partner up during the night to ask for help but he falls back asleep. Additionally I was originally getting help with nursery drop offs in the morning but now he's on longer hours again I just have to do it all.

You both get equal amounts of rest time, that is a non negotiable. put your baby in childcare, it's absolutely no-one else's business but yours. Mine started nursery at 10 months she has done fine, she loves it and it has helped her development and social skills. You need to start dividing the nights, now your baby is getting towards the age when they can go without feeds at every wake. Of course you can still feed but your partner needs to do part of the night. We split the night where my husband will go to her between bedtime and 2am, and I do the rest of the night. We both work full time.

I'd also be very very careful that he 'brings in the income' and you're not married. You would have zero financial protection if you split, it's very different if you're married. Ignore the judgement, your family should support your decision.

my village no matter what I do shames me

I want you to understand exactly what the problem is: its your useless fucking "partner"

(who i note isnt your husband so can fuck off leaving you high and dry whenever he fancies) the money is problematic he has all the power and zero legal responsibility.
This is why you need to be married

Your options now are fairly limited if you want life to be better you need to get creative and consciously make more options for yourself.

I wouldnt waste a drop of energy listening to your mother and her BS. If she has anything to say point out you felt your grandparents raised you so you are very surprised she now has these mother earth views.

Your "D"P tell him in advance and on fridays and Saturday nights wake him (make him wake up) and send him to see the baby.
On weekends when he is around go out for an hour or 2 and leave him with the baby.
Get on good contraception and ideally use 2 forms.
Stop washing his clothes,
Stop tidying his mess get a big plastic tub and stick it in the corner.
get back into work (this isnt optional imo it will also help give you some downtime) and save that money to give yourself some options.
It may suit you to play nice and talk him into marriage ( although imo the horse has bolted somewhat) you know your circs best.

Good luck.

Can you reduce your own working hours, either while keeping DC in the nursery or have one day a week looking after DC at home to reduce the stress of the work and nursery run? Can DP do the same? Sounds like you are both burnt out from the long hours.

Can you swap the labour so DP looks after baby while you cook? Then you'd have more control over that part of the mess and DP wouldn't get to opt out of childcare, which it sounds like he is doing.

You need to have a serious chat with your partner and point out that doing his share of parenting is not 'helping', it is doing his share of parenting. Go away for a weekend and leave him to it.

Hey yeah I spoke recently to my work about dropping hours a tiny bit but I wish my partner would drop his hours. I have savings to fall back on in the event things do turn sour but I just wanted to try and get a mortgage with them and get on my feet which is why I picked up more hours in the first place as maternity leave put a bit of a hole in my pocket. Partner earns way more than I do yearly but doesn't prioritize spending he bought a bigger car and a new tattoo when I was on mat leave while I just struggled except for the fact he paid for food shopping. I'm basically sacrificing a lot and getting nothing back. There's been a few times lately I've left my son with him to just clean up the remainder of the house but I'd be lying if I didn't feel ball and chained to doing that constantly too. I could book some time away but then I feel like I'm abandoning my son entirely and nothing is his fault it's his dad not helping me and my village making me feel ashamed to ask for help. I've got a yearly review with the health visitor as he's getting close to a year old now so maybe I can address these things I guess. I've honestly argued with my partner so many times now about how I feel and I get shut down so the only options are leave or just keep putting my foot down in hope it gets through. Him I can sorta cope with, my mums comments, they really hurt because I'm honestly trying and drowning.

He sounds awful.

Stop doing all the housework and grocery shopping. Just say on repeat you’re too tired. Make sure you have enough toilet rolls and nappies, and food for you and the baby. Let him fend for himself.

Dont let him drop his hours - he will simply rest more. His hours isn’t the issue it’s his attitude.

Due to working weekends I've had to rely on family to look to my son when I'm stuck in work

Why doesn't your partner look after his son?