In an extremely dark low place

[Ceriane]

I think I'm suffering really badly from depression for the last few months, particularly since the start of this year.

I have had some really bad memories triggered that I can't stop thinking about. When I was growing up my Dad was really mentally abusive towards me, and I just feel full of rage about it. I haven't thought about it for years, but after spending a lot of time with the family just after Christmas, I found that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice and everything he did made me feel so full of intense rage (that I keep to myself), and it's only now that I remember why. I don't even know where to start explaining this. I'm going through a lot of health issues and other problems at the moment, and I have spiralled into a really deep depression and having a lot of bad memories that I haven't thought about for years.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Have you seen your GP about your mood? Or you can self refer for therapy but I expect it would be a long wait.
Do you have any siblings or close friends that you could speak to who may understand your thoughts and memories.
When you are already down due to health problems negative thoughts and bad memories are more likely to surface. It does sound like talking therapy would help.

Have you explored having counselling or therapy to deal with these feelings?

Thank you. I have filled in a form for talking therapy, however I know that my head will go blank when they ask me anything, so maybe I need to make some bullet point notes before hand. My brother went through a bad time and actually went N/C with my mum and dad for several years....my Dad acted like he was the victim as he is quite narcissistic.

I have had a lot of physical health issues and I also suffer really badly from OCD and have had bouts of anxiety in the past. My health issues and anxiety are the reason I'm on my own as I'm just not up to meeting anyone however I have started thinking that my issues with my Dad may well be the reason, that I possibly have a negative perception of men and relationships because of him. My head feels so cluttered I don't even know where to start.

I have also seen my GP and am having blood tests. I'm perimenopausal and may consider HRT or anti-depressants. I'm not normally a depressive person, if anything the opposite however I did have depression for about a year in my mid-twenties when I went through a really bad time, following a really destructive relationship. I feel just as bad as I did then, if not worse.

I’m sorry things are feeling so tough and overwhelming right now, OP. That’s a ton of things to be dealing with all at once. I guess I have three instant thoughts-

First, in the instant…find yourself a safe, quiet space some time today. to try to take a breath and give yourself some compassion. Just stillness, and not self-criticism. Sometimes I find it useful to talk to myself in the second person, almost as if I am my own therapist…. Notice where you feel the overwhelm or depression in your body. Put a soothing hand there. Say “you are feeling so sad.. so angry…..(whatever emotion is authentic for you)” then just breathe it in with caring. Let it be there. Then say “no wonder”…..(that phrase is powerful because it is full of acceptance) and again breathe it in. If emotion pours out, let it flow and validate it. Allow the space for it. Sounds whacky but so often we don’t just deal with the shitty feelings but we make ourself feel shittier about the fact that we feel awful, because somehow we are not meant to….. doing this exercise two or three times a day may help the most acute feelings sooth and subside a bit, because you are allowing them versus controlling them.

then the second thought is about finding a way to express all the jumble inside. I find writing really useful, but if you don’t like writing, maybe make voice notes. Just invite the parts of yourself that are distressed to openly flow out and share anything they want to…. Don’t edit it, just free write or express. You can read it over/relisten/honour it somehow after if you want to, or not…. But this might help it feel less trapped and overwhelming in your head.

longer term…. Remind yourself it will pass. it is really encouraging if you haven’t struggled with depression or such level of disruption throughout your life…. That is a great indicator that you will get through this and refine your balance, because balance is your norm. Also if you are peri but already proactively seeking help for that, you may well be feeling immeasurably better within a month or two, if you find the right ingredients to rebalance (I felt three times better within two weeks of HRT starting and 10 times better within 3 months). So again, this is very suggestive that what you are feeling will flow through and pass.

I hope something from this is helpful and I am sending warm hugs in the meantime. You will get through this.

Thank you so much! Your post is so helpful and exactly what I needed. Today I'm working from home, so I'm by myself and there's not much to do, so I have been typing my thoughts, rage into a work document that I intend to delete. It is helping.

I do feel that even though I feel lower than I've ever thought possible (this started just before Christmas) I will somehow come out of it. My GP has said that regardless of my blood test results he is happy for me to try an oestrogen patch, if that doesn't help there's also anti-depressants or alternatives. I'm also hoping the therapy will help but I will need to bullet point things I want to talk about. I have social anxiety and find my head can sometimes go blank when people ask me questions. I've become such a recluse lately but I'm hoping to get past that, as purely working from home and spending so much time by myself is not good for anyone and I think it's been a downward spiral that happened without me noticing as I always used to be sociable and active in life.

The last (and only) time I have had depression was back in 2007 when I was a young girl in my 20's. I've always been a positive and optimistic person, so how I've been feeling lately is not like me, although anxiety and physical health have been recurring features throughout my life.

Thank you so much.

I’m glad it helped OP. And hope you are feeling a little less low?

Thank you. I think I have just become so isolated, and I’m constantly beating myself up for not sticking with someone from when I was younger and making it work. I hate living on my own. I mainly work from home and it’s difficult to get out because of debilitating anxiety and health issues. I have also become really ashamed of my life.