ADHD concerns, school refusal & hurtful behaviour — where do we start?

[TryingMyBestDad]

Hi — I’m hoping for some advice about my 9-year-old son (Year 5), who is currently being assessed for ADHD, and we suspect he may also have dyspraxia.
He’s the youngest in his class (turns 10 in August) and really struggles with school — he says he hates it and has very little motivation to do work or engage. We’re trying to understand whether this is linked to his learning and development challenges rather than laziness, because it genuinely feels like he finds everyday expectations overwhelming.
We’re a blended family. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and married for 5. Our home is stable and loving, with very little conflict. We moved into our long-term home last year in a rural area, and he has access to outdoor space and play areas. He’s not heavily into screens — just Netflix, no tablet or gaming addiction.
He lives with us full-time following a recent court order. He sees his mum every other weekend. She previously struggled with substance misuse, which led to both children being removed from her care, but she is now working on recovery. He also has a 2-year-old younger brother, and we’ve noticed some jealousy around attention.
One of our biggest concerns right now is his behaviour toward girls at school. He’s been calling girls in his class “fat” and saying unkind things. A parent contacted me because their daughter was very upset. I thanked them for raising it, but I’m honestly unsure how to properly address this with my son. Respect and kindness are values we model and teach at home, so this behaviour is worrying and confusing.
We want to support him properly — emotionally, socially, and academically — but we’re feeling a bit lost about where to start or how to handle these behaviours in a constructive way.
Has anyone experienced something similar with a child going through ADHD assessment or emotional adjustment? Any advice on supporting him, especially around empathy, school struggles, and respectful behaviour, would be really appreciated.

Sit him down and ask him straight why he thinks it's OK to say such disgusting things. Name the behaviour. Tell him directly that he is bullying her, that bullying is abhorrent and will not be tolerated and give him a harsh consequence for doing so. I would also make him apologise to her and refusal would lead to even bigger punishment.

His mental health problems are not an excuse to make others feel just as shit about themselves as he does.

Just to clarify — this wasn’t an ongoing situation with this particular child. It was a single comment, and since then it’s come out that she may have said something to him earlier in the day (although we’re still trying to piece together exactly what happened).

That doesn’t excuse what he said — we’ve made it clear it’s not acceptable — but I do think context matters. If it was reactive rather than targeted, the approach feels slightly different than dealing with deliberate bullying.

We’re addressing it firmly, but also trying to understand what triggered it so we can prevent it happening again rather than just punish after the fact.

Have a look at rejection sensitive Dysphoria. It’s often a part of ADHD and can lead to attacking behaviours as a result of perceived rejection and a need therefore to ‘get in first’, or seemingly over-react to very minor or perceived situations.

Thank you — I’m going to read up on this.

Also do not underestimate the impact that substance misuse and the associated instability can have on a child. His life with you now is stable and loving - was it stable when he was with his mum? Do you and he have support from social services or GP to help him deal with thr effect this will have had on him during early childhood?

Your home might be loving and stable but his life hasn't been. He needs support. Plus boundaries.

This do child friendly version of this. My son has ADHD when one of the boys picked on one of the girls and called her fat- mine went inside to get a teacher and told her exactly what had happened. He then played with her in the playground and he told the mean boy that he was a bully. He was 5.

ADHD or autism and I speak as someone with both does not excuse bullying and vile behaviour.

For me I would have had a serious talk to my son about kindness, bullying etc and being nice and being nasty and then he would of had a punishment eg no games and asked to use the time to think.

Plenty of love and cuddles and reminders but he is old enough to be nice and it costs nothing.