I hate being a mother

[Lalinka279]

I hate being mum. I wish I never had my second child. I wish I could turn back time and never had him. It has been 4 months and I still hate it !!!! Will it ever get better ????

Yes, it will get better. Whatever today has been like, tomorrow is another day. Try to get some sleep and be kind to yourself.
Your 2nd child is 4 months? That can be a tough time, very broken sleep and lots of crying. You’ll get through it. How old is your older child?
Is there anyone who can help and support you in real life?

You made me cry, thank you for being so kind. I thought I would get absolutely hammered. My other child is 8. I know…he can do stuff himself. But I just hate it most of the time. I’m ok in the morning, but evening time I get proper angry and irritated! I v got no one here to help. No friends, no family.

I found going from one to two so hard. This point was the hardest I think, it does get better! I highly recommend the book "Stretched" - it's poems about second time motherhood and it made me feel seen. Can you speak to someone in real life about how you are feeling? Can you get an hour to yourself for a bath and a coffee? Can you get to a mum group or out for a walk?

The thing is he was premature, wanted to be held the very first 2 months, I had him 24/7 I mean 24/7! I basically don’t cause even when I want to clean kitchen and leave him with his dad I hear crying 2 minutes after I left. Cause he will have him in some awkward position which I’ll make him cry…today I was thinking I want to die I hate this life!

The anger is something I've heard so many people talk about second time round, don't beat yourself up.
I found doing things in the morning and then allowing the afternoon/evening to be much lazier and just getting through to bed time was the best way.

I'm sorry that sounds so hard. Please speak to someone about how you feel. It's so normal but you deserve help. There may be a perinatal mental health team your GP or HV can refer you too for some support.
Can dad take baby out or you go out just to get some space?

Can you pay for some help?? It will get better but you need to get through it inn1 piece too.. I used to pay a babysitter to take my 2 out in the double buggy while I had an afternoon sleep, when they were 6 months any 18 months..

I love that I am a mother, but I have not always loved being a mother. I am not good with babies nor toddlers. They bore, frustrate and frankly- bring out the worst in me. Perhaps I am selfish. being selfless and thankless and slogging through their childhoods was hard.

But I am (excuse my arrogance) brilliant at parenting teens. They are my friends, they respect me and I respect them. They engage and challenge me intellectually. When the relationship changed I don’t know. But I remember the realisation that I looked forward to their return from school, that I had begun to relish their company, that the guilt of not enjoying them wasn’t there anymore, because I was enjoying them.

lots of parents lament the teen years. And talk longingly of when children were small and “easy”. Don’t beat yourself up OP. It may be that this stage is simply not your stage.

He’s a different child than your first, that’s ok. It feels shit, I know. It’ll be ok. You’ve had a massive gap and forgotten how hard it was/ or had an easy one!

Of course at 4 months they are going to cry for you, he’s never known anything else. Gentle periods of getting used to his dad, you not interfering. Let him be comforted by his dad. It will get better. You are not a bad mum.

My BIL said going from one to two isn't twice as hard, it is 100 times as hard, and I fully agree. You are also in the worst time of sleep regressions, frustrated baby as they begin to get aware at that age but really are little incapable blobs. Your hormones are likely all over the place and you are EXHAUSTED. I remember how brutal it is (as someone who needs 8 hours sleep a night or they are miserable). You will get through it. Have a cry/scream to the pillow and then reset. Sending an unmumsnetty hug.

I only have the one toddler and I'm struggling. He has a really bad cold at the moment and waking every 1-2 hours. I also caught his cold so around 2am I genuinely feel like I will die. He was a VERY angry baby (CMPA) so the newborn days were horrific too.

I don't know, I regret it sometimes, but mostly love him to bits.

I hate how naive I was. How it ruined my marriage. How easy i thought it would be. How prepared I was...I really thought reading all the books and buying everything under the sun will make motherhood easy but turns out I'm a fucking idiot and there is nothing to help sleep deprivation.

This is so me.

I think there is a stage of parenting that suits some more than others.

I pretty much detest most days until they get to about 6, when it becomes bearable. I mist caveat that with theyre flipping cute and I have been a good mum throughout. I just dont enjoy it until they are semi functioning human beings and can mainly keep themselves alive/ be witty/ actually think of others besides themselves.

By 8, I'm loving it!

Hang in there, do the best you can, it will be good enough and then one day you'll hopefully be loving it.

Why isn't you 8 year old helping? My first child was always needing attention - bored I think right from a couple of months old but the second was amused watching and interacting with the older child. The older one loved to help out with bathing the baby, for instance.

Hi there @Lalinka279 I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad at the moment.
Having a premature baby is a big challenge, and it's been years since you had a tiny baby in your life.

I think you need to talk to your doctor and get some help. Probably medication for a while.

But hang on in there. You're doing your best, and it's hard.

I know how you feel. I have an 11 year old and a 10 month old. I've struggled so much with my second. The rage I've felt at times, the intense sadness and mourning for our old life at others. Apart from dp and the kids I have no one else, no family or friends so no support. I don't get a break, ever. 24/7 is with the baby. Dp works hard and sometimes two jobs so he's barely here. I can go months without speaking to another adult.

It's really really shitty and feeling this way makes it even worse through guilt. We need more sleep, that's for sure, and it will happen. They will sleep through, they will be interactive bundles of joy very soon. We will get through this op. Nothing but solidarity here.

I also think that four month old babies are really hard work.
I've had four children and that stage was always difficult. They want to be held, they don't sleep very well and it's impossible to keep them occupied.

I can go months without speaking to another adult.

I'm sorry to pick up on this - it's just a sentence in someone else's thread but it's really concerned me.

Don't you take your baby to the doctors? Or get involved with your older child's school or friends and their parents? Have you no friends from school, college or previous employment? Do you not go to shops or cafés?

I'm sorry to be so intrusive, but I'm wondering how this happens. It sounds awful.

You're very brave to speak out. I'm sure lots of mothers feel the same way. Extreme tiredness can make things feel like the end of the world. You don't always have to put your child first. You'll see him differently when he gets older and you have time to rest.

It WILL get better. Hold on to that. It feels like forever when they are that age, plus you've gone back to have a baby after a large gap. I did similar, my youngest was born a decade after my older ones. It's a shock to the system having a baby again, for sure! Youngest is 2 and a half now and things are easing, yes she's a wild toddler but also fun. Please try and talk to someone in real life about the fact that you are struggling. There's no shame in it.

It will get better, but it seems like your husband is not doing his share.
At some level he seems to think minding the baby means being in the same room until baby cries and no actual care is required, because then he gets to hand back to you.

I wonder if he is afraid of the baby due to prematurity and has lost confidence in his ability to be a good father?

You’re definitely not describing a sustainable balance.

At the same time - baby is not the problem here. It is the resilience and parenting/coping skills of the adults that is the kernel of it and where change will happen. Displays of anger and irritation are horrible for everyone to live with.

Do you have home start in your area. They are trained volunteers who come and help in your home with under 5s. Take a look at there website.

Hi there Lalinka279,
We're so sorry you're feeling this way but we do understand. So many of us have been there.
We can see that you've already been given a lot of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations that may be able to give you some help in real life too.
First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected] or by calling 116 123.
You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing. On that point, we think that this thread is best moved from AIBU so we will do that now.
Sending good wishes, Lalinka. We really hope you're okay. It is SO hard going from one to two, and (speaking from experience) the shock of a premature baby is shattering. Do keep in touch with your friends on here, but do please reach out in real life as well. 💐

Your husband needs to help more!

i don’t understand how others are not really concerned about this. Hate is a strong emotion.
what specifically do you hate about being the mother of your children?