I’m in a really difficult situation involving my partner, my mother, and our toddler, and I’m struggling to see a way forward.
About a year ago, we had a childcare emergency when our daughter was 16 months old. Both grandmothers agreed to take turns staying with us so we could cover the gap without overburdening either of them.
When it was my mother’s turn, things went badly from day one. Our daughter cried constantly around her, and my mother didn’t follow any of the routines or strategies we’d explained — things that normally helped our daughter settle. Instead, she did everything her own way. My mother also has a very difficult personality; even simple conversations can escalate because she gets nervous and confrontational, so we often walk on eggshells around her.
After a few days, my partner gently asked her to interact more with our daughter, as she’d been lying on the sofa while our daughter played alone. That conversation escalated exactly as I feared. Voices were raised, our daughter was crying, and I felt completely powerless trying to calm things down. Because my mother was visiting from abroad, I ended up taking her out of the house to cool off, leaving my partner to manage our daughter alone. My partner eventually told my mother that if childcare felt overwhelming, we could find someone else — not as a threat, but as reassurance. My mother took it as being “kicked out” and insisted on flying home immediately.
After she left, she continued sending long, angry messages, twisting events and saying very hurtful things. For my own mental health, I stopped responding. My partner felt I hadn’t defended her strongly enough, and that by trying to stay neutral I was taking my mother’s side. I genuinely wasn’t — I just didn’t know how to handle the situation without making it worse.
Months passed. Every time my mother reached out, I hoped for a fresh start, but each time it slid back into resentment and rewriting history. The stress of being caught between my partner and my mother became so intense that I reached a really low point mentally.
Recently, my mother contacted me again in a calmer tone. My partner, seeing how much this whole situation has affected me, even sent my mother a message apologising for anything she might have said and offering a clean slate. We’ve had a couple of video calls since then, but only because I initiated them.
Here’s the current issue:
My mother hasn’t seen her granddaughter in almost 10 months. I gave her a clear schedule of when she could call, but she never initiates. If I don’t send photos or start the conversation, nothing happens. Part of me feels she should be the one making the effort, given everything that happened and the time lost. But she seems to believe we took her granddaughter away from her, which isn’t true.
A big part of why I’m trying so hard is because I would genuinely love for my daughter to visit my hometown one day — it’s on an island, and I know she would absolutely love it. I also want her to meet my side of the family, even though they haven’t shown much initiative themselves. I’m swallowing a lot of pride and letting a lot of unfair comments slide because I want to keep that possibility open for her.
I’m willing to forgive but not forget, and I’m trying to rebuild something for the sake of my daughter. But I’m scared that if I keep being the one to push things forward, I’m just enabling the same patterns. My partner is also wary and wants me to be careful, which I understand.
I’m torn between wanting to give my mother another chance and wanting to protect my own mental health and my family’s peace.
Has anyone been in a similar situation with a difficult parent and a partner caught in the middle — and how do you rebuild contact without falling back into old, damaging dynamics?