Acceptance

[PurpleLovecats]

I’m not really sure where to start. But I have really struggled with my PD diagnosis. I’ve asked for clarification multiple times referencing recognised diagnostic criteria but not had a response. I got a psych report but it actually said in it I did not reach the criteria for PD diagnosis yet that’s my working diagnosis so it is quite confusing.

I requested discharge from the MH team and that happened. Went under GP care who changed my anti depressant but that’s not helped.

GP sent me to A and E recently following my DH saying I was unsafe. Paramedics and hospital staff were lovely. MH team sent me home with no further support.

I set up a dummy in the house to stab instead of hurting others. I self harm daily. I see angels constantly and sleep about 3 hours a night. I do not leave the house.

GP had referred me back to MH team saying they cannot manage me.

I did online courses. Self harm, managing emotions, personality disorder, complex trauma. All tutors said I did not fit their criteria.

I reached out to local support who said I was too unwell for them.

My MP requested an assessment but they said I was known to services and did not need one.

I found an advocate and put in a complaint on her advice but nothing has changed.

I contacted 111 with my DH and told them I had a suicide plan and the means (96 tablets) and they said after talking to the MH team that I have a PD and am just attention seeking.

Psych report says I’m a fantasist, make up the angels, no psychosis. No further referrals to hospital, no more antipsychotic medications to be offered, no further psychiatrist support to be offered.

So essentially. I have to accept the diagnosis. And can only assume I just have no self awareness anymore. I’ve withdrawn from my parents and siblings. My research on PD states that it is due to childhood trauma. I don’t believe I have any but must be wrong. I’ve clearly buried it. I’ve been told repeatedly by MH services that my PD must stem from emotional neglect and my only way forward is to accept their diagnosis.

I cannot afford to challenge it, private psychiatric support is too expensive.

So that’s me, totally broken and confused essentially.

Hi @PurpleLovecats Sorry you are struggling so much and that you have exhausted all the help available from the NHS MH services.
You say that private psychiatric support is too expensive but you could have an assessment for about £350-£400. It seems that is the best option available to you at the moment so I think I’d focus on saving up for that if I was in your position.
I really hope that things improve for you x

Thanks but we don’t have the kind of money and if they even did see me and prescribed anything, I would need reviews which are too pricey.

Do you think you can accept your diagnosis then and if you can then will that help you?
BTW I don’t think childhood trauma is the only cause of PD

I have no choice. If I want help, they’ve made that very clear. I’ve no childhood trauma that I remember. No attachment issues. No fear of abandonment. No friendship issues, no emotional instability.

💐
Can you get your husband to look after your tablets to keep you safe?

Do you have a theory on what's wrong?

Could I ask what type of support from the NHS you think would be helpful for you? You seem at the moment to be overly concerned with what diagnosis you have, and perhaps with trying to get a diagnosis that you feel matches you better.

But ultimately, diagnosis is not therapy, it doesn't change anything. What NHS support/treatment has been provided or offered to you? Or, if you have reached the end of the treatment they can provide, what advice have they provided about managing your difficulties yourself, going forward?

It does seem like your preoccupation with diagnosis might be a little too bound up in a fraught way of interacting with the NHS people who have been dealing with you? Which I guess may be part of the mental health problems that you have?

I need antipsychotics, they changed my life.

Was this the situation: You were taking anti-psychotics and displaying/reporting improvement, and the prescribing professional said you must stop taking them?

Or was it that you had taken them some time in the past, and now wanted to go back onto them, but the professionals now think it is inappropriate?

(I'm just trying to get a picture of what has broken down in your relationship with doctors. No need to answer unless you want to, of course!)

It feels like quite an unusual situation. The problem is normally the other way around - docs want the patient to take anti-psychotics, but the patient feels they aren't needed/helping, or that the side-effects are too horrible.

OP I say this with with kindness, but if you are self harming daily and have planned suicide then you are experiencing emotional instability. Self harming is a dysfunctional way of managing difficult or distressing emotions.
Also not all people with Personality disorder have experienced early trauma, although but that is often the case.
Perceptual disturbance ( eg for you seeing angels) or hearing voices can also sometimes be a part of PD.
If PD doesn’t resonate for you, do you have any ideas yourself of what the issue might be?

They were helping and my family confirm that, I had been diagnosed psychotic. New psych changed diagnosis to PD and stopped the meds, voices returned, see angels constantly now.

But I don’t want to self harm. It’s a deal I have to do with the angels I see. They give me a choice, harm myself or harm somebody else.

Hey OP,

I am really sorry that you are experiencing this. I have some similar symptoms - I have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder but did have a period of “self harm” when responding to voices (the Devil). The Home Treatment Team tried to suggest that I had EUPD but (very) luckily my psychiatrist refused to go down that avenue. I do have other symptoms - manic highs, deep depression and other periods of psychosis that did not lead to SH behaviour - but I live in fear of a PD diagnosis, always second guessing myself when reaching out for help. It’s really shit.

there anything we could do to help?

Thanks for replying, I don’t think anyone can help. I basically have no choice but to accept the diagnosis but I will NOT accept that what I see/hear is made up by me for attention. Why would I?