Or even the bar could be that things didn’t escalate to a full melt down which in my house we were reverberating from for many painful days after even when it was silent.
Better emotional regulation is your only goal for her IMHO. Track that privately. How many outburts today? What weee they on a scale of one to ten. What was happening before, during and after the incident? Etc
Once it starts to improve and becomes her normal foundational emotional state she will be able to achieve anything at her own pace. Education can come later. It helped me to see the outbursts as weather. This storm will pass over - I need to protect myself from it - visually go indoors and watch the storm through a window so you don’t get bounced around. Then go back out afterwards when it’s calm to assess the damage - but it was futile and counterproductive to fight, lock horns and try to control the storm.
This situation has a huge impact on the whole family system - marriage, siblings, family time. Even extended family - my sisters told me not to bring her along to their homes even though she had cousins there the same age that she loved because DD couldn’t cope with me talking to my sisters and would goad and harass me. My other children suffered when we were trying to constantly fire fight. One just sloped off another got wound up with her - her younger sister was another target of her bullying.
The emotional dysfunction flew around the family like a pin ball machine - and I will admit that she was highly sensitive to and triggered by my own emotions which I thought were undetectable but my clenched jaw said it all. I had PND after her birth also lost my mother and had a really bad peri-menopause, 4 kids, high powered job and a shit marriage - also (still) untreated ADHD. I also had unrealistic high expectations of my DC as both my DH and myself were high achievers. I had brilliant therapy for my childhood trauma and the shit marriage and as I was emotionally supported and growing in emotional capacity the relationship with my DD improved as well.
Things are loads better now - she is a delightful 25 year old who eventually went to uni and has a great job. She lives a very organised life and this environment supports her. She is looking for an ASD diagnosis and I can reflect that my ADHD family and career set up was chaos for her. We have a great relationship now we understand each other - our limitations and our gifts. On holiday recently they all played a game to use 2 words to describe each other. She described me as comical and compassionate. I’ll take that as I have been consumed with how I was a shit parent.
Think my message is shore up and grow your own emotional development, understanding and capacity of yourself and this will implicitly filter back to her.