Impact on parental mental health of PDA

[JekyllHyde]

Put this in SN teens and no response so thought I would see if anyone else’s mental health is being impacted by their kids conditions

I have a dd14 with adhd and the PDA is coming out in force. Mornings are like walking a tightrope trying not to say the wrong thing!
I’ve been speaking with a parenting coach who is helping me understand her and how to parent her but it’s so tough. And that’s before we even get on to my son. My mental health is through the floor but just gritting my teeth and trying to get on with it.
anyone else sympathise? I feel quite lonely tbh

Sympathy @JekyllHyde I’ve been going through similar for several years. It’s died down a bit at nearly 17yo, but the tendencies are there with just an instance of fury if I say anything unacceptable to her. I suspect I’ve got to the stage of simply avoiding anything that might provoke the rage.

I no longer know what normal looks like. My mental health has nosedived, the school find her reasonably well behaved, and I suspect would not believe me.

I get really foggy and seem slow and stupid although I don’t think I would without this life. My eating disorder has kicked in with a vengeance, and I absolutely do not want to talk about it to anyone locally.

im sorry to hear that. It’s just so hard. I have cut off all my friends and avoid people because I can’t bear it

she has started school refusing because she gets so anxious and that in turn makes me anxious. Seeing the thread about not understanding school refusers made me want to cry but I’m trying to toughen up

I’m pretty certain at least one of my 6 year old twins has PDA.

it’s horrendous feeling mentally terrorised by a small child every single day.

And the judgement from people who think you’re just a shit parent when you’ve had years trying ‘strictness’ and it backfires at every turn

its emotionally draining but it’s made doubly hard because I can see how much she hates being how she is

I would like to offer some hope! My daughter is at Uni now, and things are much better. The teen years were horrendous, so difficult.
She has autism &;ADHD. Demand avoidant and very anxious.

I used to aim for low demand, her attendance was below 50% and there were periods she wasnt at school. She did do work at home, as she liked school work. And was responsible enough to be left at home.

Everything is still no, but i usually dont engage and try again later. She often then does it, even though she has just given a million reasons for not doing something.

I was assertive with some things, which she is grateful for now. Some of the more stupid things she wanted to do. I used the

If you choose to do you are also chosing *

For example:
If you choose to stay in 6th form, you are choosing to wear the uniform.

If you behave in this way, then you are chosing that school may refuse for you attend as they cant keep you safe.

Thank you! She does have flashes of self awareness so maybe I should be hopeful!!

although I’ve just messed up as she asked why I’m not friends with her primary school parents anymore and I said it’s because I don’t want to have to tell them about her being kicked out of school l. And I know I shouldn’t and I know I’m supposed to protect her feelings and not make her feel I’m ashamed of her but it’s so hard. I’m just failing at being a mum every day

You're doing your best, and it's really hard. Ive lost my shit so many times, and its not great. No one is perfect, and we do what we can. Its a good lesson in forgiveness and being sorry for everyone.

My daughter was exceptionally good at picking appart my parenting, and holding me to very high standards. Deflect from the issue by finding my weak spot.

Yes to the self-hatred that she felt after a meltdown. She also went through a phase for about a year and a half of frequently having to come home mid-morning with panic attacks and horrible levels of anxiety.

Fortunately the school was very light touch with attendance (Scotland), and this school year (S5) has been more settled.

She had some counselling a couple of years ago. Was diagnosed with anxiety and is on waiting lists with camhs.

My son is almost 17 and it’s got better over the years. He is better at controlling himself and I’m better at avoiding triggers. You have to have a pretty thick skin. Recently everything I’ve done or said is wrong but the meltdowns are no where near as bad as they used to be. I did have to go out in the car last week and sit in a supermarket car park to calm down though! He pushes my buttons like no one else on earth!

yes mine is starting with a therapist on Friday but it feels like she expects me to sort out all her issues and she doesn’t want to put any work in or engage

i can never do anything right - and apparently as I’m an adult I should know what to do and I should be able to control my emotions.

DH and I are seeing a parenting coach and she identified that I am close to the edge and need a break (he is away a lot so I bear the brunt) but if I try and discuss a break he deflects or suggests his mum could come instead of him stepping up. I feel so abandoned

@JekyllHyde Oh, please don’t feel that you can’t stay in touch with old friends, they can be a source of support for you. Real friends will understand that you’re dealing with huge challenges. Even if you keep in touch via text, that can help. 💐

The deflection, the manipulation, the endless bedtime rants about how everything is my fault. The refusal to do any of the mindful exercises that would help lower her responses and help her develop a strategy for challenging situations.

Yes! When you are constantly told it’s your fault it becomes hard to disbelieve it.

work is the only escape I have but I feel so tired and down I’m starting to struggle there too.

Hmm trying to understand my autistic husband and younger kid and the more I read about ‘internalised’ pda the more sure I am they have high traits. I know DH therapist brought it up with him also.

It’s really so difficult to make sense of, constantly shifting and paradoxical. Getting so much shit off my kid is unbelievable. Am terrified of the teenage years. He is so controlling already at 7.

I went back to my own therapist, she is teaching me to better withdraw and not give them room in my head, as far as it’s safe too. I’m using ChatGPT to talk to, to try to bring my thoughts back to myself I.e. actually he selfish more. But and rid the negative emotions they routinely dump as quickly as possible so I can actually do tasks and work and all the other shit.

Yes that’s it - trying not to take on board their feelings - so they’ve effectively dumped it on you and skipped off happy!!

I did have therapy for a while but I compared it to a big pile of leaves - I was sweeping all the emotions up and tucking them away but the therapy felt like someone had. Run right through and kicked them all over the place.

I only seem to keep going when I channel ‘keep calm and carry on’

Place-marking as so over it right now, and 'D'P, who's clearly even more over it this evening, has just told me the whole damn thing is my fault and that he's done. He's not, of course, and will come around in a bit, but I'm worn to the quick with how we're so perpetually destabilised. Exhausted.

I've always been default parent as, perhaps unsurprisingly, DP is most likely also autistic with PDA himself, and regularly in need of nervous system regulation, especially in the face of his perceived helplessness in relation to DC1's anxiety. So mine is a DP-problem in equal measure, perhaps even more so at times. I often just want to shake him and tell him to get his big pants on and dad-up.

DC1, a mid-teen, is a good kid who has mellowed so much since we got school provision right in the last 18 months; we're no longer on the wringer constantly and are only really seeing flares arise around expectations in relation to age-related independence, an area we're always plugging away at supporting. I look at DC1 and see progress, courage and potential, whereas DP gets so under the daily drudgery of scaffolding and strategising, overwhelmed at the openendedness of this task, and just seems to see a heap of problems, areas of avoidance and a bleak future of wasted opportunities and failure. I have to remind him constantly of the many small 'wins' DC1 is notching up, especially in the last year; new skills, new experiences, new things tolerated -in many ways we're on an all-time up, and in the nick of time as we're preparing to leave secondary school- but DP has very little sense of 'the bigger picture'. So yes, huge contributing factor to poor parental mental health, with the sheer relentlessness and systemic impact of a PDA profile (or more) in the family.

Yeah I know that feeling. I’m stubborn but have always been compliant when it comes to school etc. so DH always says ‘they get it from you’. Took him ages to even accept we couldn’t parent them in a strict way and it was all my fault for being soft on them.

tbh not only is our mental health in the bin but so is our marriage

I have reached a sanguine point:

• DC is now adult
• I will never again force them to do anything
• I will continue to make suggestions and let them percolate
• they have extremely minimal demands on them
• it doesn't matter if they aren't 'reaching their potential' as long as their well-being is intact

This has enabled me to reach a happy point of acceptance with DC. After a number of years - DC is 24 - we have seen real progress in the last few months. DC now gets the bus home from a weekly event alone, puts washing in the basket without being asked, often brings plates out of their room and puts them in the dishwasher, answers the door if they hear someone knock, has a very small job (petsitting when neighbour goes away), looks after a small patch of garden, and has agreed to carry a phone when away from home. DC also now cleans their teeth after point blank refusing for about 6 years.

It's a long road but the foundations of expectation, which were abandoned when DC was just too overwhelmed, have proven to still be there and as DC finds their feet those roles are, very very gradually, being fulfilled on their own terms.

I think it's a lifetime thing. If you instill the principles they may go by the wayside, but they do know deep down what they "should" do, and when they can, they do begin to.

Yes you are right.

I look at my kids and the world of school just isn’t made for them - not the academic side but the structure.

but I just want them to be happy - and the heartbreaking thing is that I know that they’re not

@JekyllHyde my sessions with my therapist are largely AIBU 😂 They are helpful in clarifying what boundary I can (try?!) to hold. So half a session was about whether I can expect my family members not to walk off on me when I am talking to them (I.e. to DH: are you still taking X to the kids’ party [walksoff] / to my kid: do you still want to go? [walksoff]).

@Kalasbyxor definitely with you on the marriage side also. DH is late diagnosed so the dual process of his unmasking + my perimenopause has been hell. Now he has an amazing therapist, he’s unmasking the PDA side, e.g. wants me to only talk to him with certain tones of voice.

I’m just mostly wondering… how the hell did I end up here?!

@JekyllHyde
My advice would be lower the bar as low as it can go, lower than it needs to be and be ok with it being that low.
Once the bar is lowered then anything above the bar is a win, and with the wins, however small, comes positivity, for the whole family.

Yes - I know that deep down but it can be hard. Particularly when my husband is a high achiever so is devastated that the wins we are aiming with for our son is that he left the house today.

i have realised that my marriage is a big part of the problem as I seem to be at the centre of it all and getting the blame etc from all sides

Oh, OP this sounds very familiar. Have a 🫂. DD has autism (PDA profile), ADHD, anxiety, depression and was a school refuser. This caused conflict between me and DH, who likely has undiagnosed autism himself. He really couldn't cope with parenting DD so I was the default parent and struggled so much.

What really helped us was lowering the bar, taking the small wins, and simply being realistic about what DD could manage. I started off trying to get her up at 7.30 am, and would keep trying until about 1pm, at which point I gave up. We started seeing a psychologist who helped us understand that this was actually counterproductive. This helped in several massive ways. First, we had professional guidance as to how best to help DD. I could use this to explain to DH why a more relaxed approach actually worked better and strictness was just making things worse.

We were also able to work out (with the psychologist) what was keeping her off school and trying to sort that. Making the decision (with school support) that DC would concentrate on the important subjects and just ignore others completely took a lot of pressure off. For example, DC was missing entire days because of anxiety about 1 lesson, so school agreed she did not have to do that subject,(actually she dropped 3 subjects) which meant it was far more likely she went in. This meant an official part time timetable, where sometimes she was at home and sometimes had free periods in school.

Also, if some days she was just really down and said she was unlikely to make it in today, I'd just leave it and not worry. The reduced pressure really helped and meant everything became much more calm. DD started making an effort to go in on the days she had important subjects. The big thing was support from school, based on the recommendations from the psychologist. For DD, this was the part time timetable, no homework pressure (wasn't chased if she didn't do it), and outside of school doing things she found enjoyable and relaxing, but if she didn't want to go one week, that was fine too.

It just gradually got a lot better and we now live in a calm household where everyone gets on again. DD got good exam results in the subjects she did and now goes to college where her attendance can still be sporadic but she's doing well on a course she enjoys.

I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted to share our story as you sound so much like we were years ago. I hope you can find a way forward that works for your family.

Thank you

I’ve just been speaking with the parenting coach and she made that point - rather than being upset she didn’t go on one day this week, be happy she made the other 3 and build on that.

i know we will get there and DD has so much to offer. It can just feel hopeless at times

i I suspect I may be the one with autism in our parenting couple though!!