DH is desperate and I can't bring myself to help him - PLEASE PLEASE HELP

[NeedyW]

Name changer, regular etc.
Sorry longer than I meant it to be.

DH has been depressed for about 6 months. This is the first time he has ever been down - he is usually an optimistic, happy person.

He finally went to the GP a couple of months ago and has been getting counselling (he didn't want ADs to affect his ability to work).

A couple of weeks ago he got very drunk and said some unbelievably horrible, personal things to me in front of a group of his friends. I collapsed into tears, in front of everyone and he laughed at me. When I couldn't take the humilitation anymore I ran out into the night - I didn't know the area at all and just kept running. He didn't follow me and I eventually found the place where we were staying. He didn't come home until the early hours and then slept on the sofa. The next morning he wasn't sorry for what he had done and told me he had felt nothing when he watched me cry. I want to add that we are in our thirties and have been together 10 years, so none of this is normal behaviour for us.

This may sound a little unbelievable but the few weeks before this night had been brilliant. We had been close in a way neither of us had felt in years - he agrees. He seemed so much better. I was doing everything I could to support him and make his life easier. It was all so good.

For 24 hours after the incident he wasn't sorry at all. Then suddenly he said he felt awful and would do anything to make it up to me. That he realised he loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. That although he had meant the horrible things he said, when he said them, that he didn't think them anymore. That he would make it up to me. That he would move heaven and earth to make me happy...

Then the next day, when I was still sad (I was apparently supposed to wake up all better), he left me.

Only to change his mind again half an hour later and beg forgiveness again. Saying he just thought his life would be easier without me and the kids.

I have a history of manic depression. I was doing so well and now I feel so low.

We talked everything through and agreed to stay together, we spoke to a relate counsellor who suggested some communication techniques. He has started taking ADs and it is currently making his symptoms worse. He called me from work on Friday asking for support and I gave him everything he needed, talking him through all his worries and calming him down. I had been having a really rough day myself, but he needed me. Then he asked how I was and I told him I was feeling low myself. He said he was sorry but he had to go back to work.

He sent a text later thanking me for my support, but didn't ask how I was.

I've asked him to demonstrate in some real way how he feels about me. I feel like he has just been playing with my emotions. He just sits there and says he's sorry and does nothing. I am so sick of giving and getting nothing back. He says he is so sorry for not being there for me, and yet he still isn't.

Am I being unutterably selfish? Should I just be writing this off as "He is sick"?

I feel like I'm getting down and it's not fair, I was doing so well!

I don't know what to do

Please help.

yes ive gone from being angry with him to now being caring (although fed up). my dh has only been on ad for about 1 month. i also know what you mean about wanting to shake them out of it.. i sometimes feel sooo angry that he is doing this to us, esp when we do have a nice life.

That's the worst thing isn't it? When you list it all:-

Good work life? Yes
Happy Marriage (mostly )? Yes
Well behaved lovely children? Yes (mostly again )
Nice house? Yes
Enough money? Yes
Nice families? Yes
Argh!

He is an attractive, fun, loving, man, with a job and a family that he adores. But he's so sad and I can't help him! Every tiny setback makes him collapse (only around me obviously) - he forgot to get milk the other day and had worked himself up into such a state (telling himself he was useless, couldn't do anything right, hopeless H etc.) that when I just said, "Oh that's no problem, I'll just nip out now, I'll be 5 mins" he burst into tears. I ask him why he was so worried about telling me/doing it and he can't really explain. He just thought I'd be so disappointed in him! It's all so unlike him.

The DH I know is a little bit late for everything (and never worries about it), laughs often, and never gets anxious about anything unnecessary. I just want him back.

yes this is exactly how i feel about it all. and yes the odd little thing seems like a big deal for him, so yes it is often easier not to ask.
my dh has a public face (which is when i get to see the old him). i unfortunately get the private face . my dh also constantly tells me he feels he is a disapointment to me. and finaly yes i want my dh back.

The AD's will defo help. Thank goodness he is on them now. On average, I think it takes people 3 times as long to feel better if they don;t take ad's and that can be a hell of a long time for family and friends.

Don't beat yourself up about this. He needs professional help. You can support him as much as you can, and seeing him helping himself will probably help you do that (too many helps I know )

You are his partner not his carer.

Just be aware that the AD's treat teh symproms not the cause (unless it is a chronic chemical imbalance, which if he was always a happy guy, doesn;t seem to be teh case) but it's easy to forget the prioblems when you feel better. Try not to let that happen or for him to give up on counselling before he's ready.

Good luck

needyw hows things your end?

Things are ok, DH snapped at me about something daft, but he apologised straight away - and sincerely too, for once it wasn't, "I'm sorry but you make me...".

Other than that, he seems sad sometimes, but not angry or frustrated anymore.

Monkeytrousers - Thank you for all that - all very good advice. He is getting much better at talking about things. We've had long talks about the fact that if he keeps his feelings from me (to "protect" me apparently) they will build up and end up hurting me a thousand times more. I do think he now understands that by telling me when he's sad or angry, he is not burdening me, he is helping get rid of it all.

How are you today dressmeup?

im not good at all. me and my dh had an awful row last night.... it seems its my fault he is depressed . we are not speaking at the moment... i really dont know where we go from here.

DH was saying that to me a couple of weeks ago I'm so relieved he's realised that it's not.

we bought this

There's a bit in it all about how your emotions are your own responsibility. How it's acceptable to feel sad/angry, but it's up to you how you react to it. That the way you feel is no one else's fault.

It did help (we only got it after our big fight) it's got lots of activities and things in it too.

He has no right to blame you. None whatsoever. It is not your fault! I promise! He was just lashing out, and we always hurt the ones we love the most.

It's such a relief to know I'm not the only one going through all this - daft as that may seem. x

i keep thinking he will leave me. he says he would be better on his own and that im better off without him.

It's not true though. That's the odd thing about depression, an idea can seem so true - no matter how wrong it would sound if he were well.

Have you noticed any improvement in mood at all? My DH is still yoyoing between emotions, I was hoping he would be finding things easier by now.

We had a big fight Monday night, then Tuesday was lovely (with a lot of sweeping things under the rug), now today is somewhere inbetween.

How's things at your end DMU?

still not speaking... he is making no contact with me during the day (we usually text or call each other). surely if we dont speak, things wiil get worse and thats when i worry we will go our separate ways. i feel so unhappy, and totaly out of control. i just keep thinking that as long as he feels negative, this could be when he makes a wrong decision... such as to leave.

I'm so sorry

Sounds like you need a long talk.

Have you tried to make the first move? Or is he just knocking everything back?

Are you seeing any counsellor together? Think it might help.
x

i have made the first move. he said he is unhappy when he gets to work and unhappy when he gets home. he says he dreads coming home because i just give him a hard time (drinking). he suggested living on his own, sorting his head out then comiong back when he was sorted! I really really dont want him to leave . i am in limbo, worried about pushing him over the edge and him going. he also says he wants to stop taking his ad as he doesnt like the way they make him feel, he is sooo tired whilst on them. HELP HELP HELP.

i think you should stop the virtual begging and say " i think you're right, i need to sort my head out to, don't automatically expect to come home."

but i think he is only saying it because he is depressed so is not being logical with his thinking. I need to help him. if he was just being difficult and nasty then i agree with you and i would let him go

depression doesn't make you insane. he knows perfectly well whats going on. sometimes one needs a proper kick up the arse - not tea and sympathy.

just a thought

carry on

so custardo you think i should just let him go? what about married in sickness and in health? (or am i just being soft?) i wish i was as strong as you, and maybe you are right and i do need to be harder......

One comment on the tiredness - DH has just commented that he is no longer feeling tired, it has worn off. He shouldn't give them up before they've even started working.

Custardo is right about sympathy not always being the solution. But feelings are affected by depression. Instead of feeling love or need, you can feel apathy and numbness.

If he is drinking with ADs then that will stop them working - what with alcohol being a depressant it will counteract the good IYSWIM. Does his doc know that he is drinking with ADs? If not then perhaps you need to tell him.

I'm sorry he's being such a prat. Perhaps some space would do you both some good - I'm not talking about splitting up, just a bit of time apart.

Hope you're ok today (sorry I missed this yesterday)

i always think that time apart can be dangerous . once one has left the home, it can be difficult to come/take back. i am really mixed up at the moment. and yes..... he is a prat !!!

Sometimes perspective can be a good thing though. Many years ago, when I was the depressed one, I asked DH to move out for a bit. It made me realise how much I missed him. So I can see this from both sides (which makes me feel all the more selfish for being so frustrated by him).

It is difficult to see everything you get from a partner while you have got it IYSWIM.

I'm not saying it's the right move for you. Circumstances are very different. But it sounds as though you both need more support. I really would recommend going to counselling together. It can help to have an outsider's opinions on things (having someone else agree about things like alcohol consumption, can make it more clear that you are not just a nagging wife, you are worried about the man you love, with just cause!)

thank you