Lonely Mum

[Sarahha]

Hi all and thanks for reading.

I just discovered today that my sisters don’t care about or even really want to attend the family gatherings I have been arranging for the past several years.

It all started when my sister revealed she was pregnant which is such a huge thrill for everyone or at least was. Her due date is close my little ones who will be turning one. I decided to do what I thought would be the decent thing and sacrifice my ones birthday and instead throw a bbq earlier in the year. This got me thinking to the future though as my son will be turning 5 around Christmas and usually I merge his birthday with our family Christmas party but this doesn’t quite seem like it’ll be possible to do anymore. I brought up the whole kids parties and family gatherings and got the response from my sisters that they will always prioritise the kids parties meaning the possibility of them coming is highly unlikely. I explained that there are some people who come to the family gatherings who won’t come to the kids parties but they said that there would be lots of parties to go and they wouldn’t come. Considering the main guests are my two sisters and their families if they didn’t come then there would be no point in the gatherings at all. This led to me realising that they never really wanted to come in the first place and possibly don’t enjoy our meet-ups.

I feel so hopelessly alone now. Family was always the most important thing in my life and to now find out that I’d be tossed aside because a child in the class of my nephew or niece is having a birthday party is incredibly upsetting. I already feel like my husband’s family doesn’t like me and to discover neither does my own makes me wonder what am I doing this all for and what world have just brought my children into. I have no friends or at least me and my husband attempted to make friends with a couple who also just had a child and that completely failed. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to and I knew that me and my sisters were definitely no longer close but they were all I had so now I feel like I have no one. I tired talking to my husband but lately I feel like he’s not listening to me. He’s fallen asleep with me crying next to him. Half of the time I’m talking to him and he walks off which makes me feel completely worthless. My son is autistic and wants nothing to do with me and my daughter is only 6 months old.

I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong and why everyone seems against me. I literally feel heartbroken and wish I’d never arranged the summer bbq in the first place or mentioned the whole problem to my family either. I just hate how I’ve brought children into a family who don’t even like their mother so chances of them having anything to do with them relies on if their kids want them at their parties. It’s bad enough that we barely see my husbands side which suggests they don’t like me and have been growing more and more distant with us ever since we realised my son was autistic. I feel blamed for having a child who isn’t ‘normal’ in their eyes and doesn’t talk. I’ll always remember how my son’s granddad asked will he ever talk? This same question was repeated by his cousin later that same day. I feel so guilty that now my son doesn’t have relatives on either side that seem to want to have owt to do with him. I’m so scared he will grow up alone just like me. Same with his sister who will repeat the cycle I had of looking after their autistic brother who they fall out with one day and then end up having their own autistic child like bad karma. I prayed so hard to not have a child with autism which adds to the guilt as I shouldn’t judge my son due to being wired differently. I just wish so much for him to talk to me and tell me it’s okay and that he loves me. Sadly he doesn’t want anything to do with me and passes every day doing his own thing and watching cocomelon. I mean while work and when I’m not working I’m sitting and holding a baby who thinks I’m the most amazing person she knows. I failed at breastfeeding her and I suck as a mother so she will copy and learn just like her brother to not have anything to do with me either.

Everyone I know leaves me in the end. My parents are still around but have ruined our relationship forever more after ripping my happiest day in my life apart, my wedding day. A new scar that will never mend. All friends done with me. New friends turned out to be fake. The family I still cared about turns out don’t feel the same way. I am so truly alone.

Jeeszus the people around you suck. 💐

You just need to find your tribe. 🩷

Have you tried support groups, ie

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/community

Or:

Autism Central

This one lists resources too:

Well Child

Getting support is crucial. 🩷

You're spiraling. You're getting yourself all worked up over something that hasn't even happened yet

Thanks and no I haven’t. I joined a few facebook groups but I always see that others have much worse problems than us and I ended up unfollowing them as it made me worry about whether their issues were things the son would start doing. I do agree that I feel like we need to find our own tribe though as I no longer think my family is it.

"makes me wonder what am I doing this all for and what world have just brought my children into"

This sentence stood out to me. You are raising your children because that's the choice YOU made and your role now is to do the best you can for your children's sake. You seem to be seeking a lot of external validation and should be looking closer to home. Likewise, your sisters are focusing on their own households.

Having a child with significant needs is very difficult and can be isolating. What support are you and your son getting? Does he go to school? Have regular therapy to help him with speech and social difficulties?

I really hope that is all this is but when I think about it one of my sisters never invites us to her house and the other has to get my husband to do bits of gardening and jobs there (which when he was asked it was just for him but we all go cos he’s not a confident driver and they live a good distance) or for my nephews birthday. Without the family gatherings (only twice a year) and these odd times we’d have only seen then two or three times last year.

You are very true but I’m so scared I made the wrong choice. I absolutely love my children with all my heart but I don’t feel like I’m cut out to be a mum, especially not one to a child with autism. I’ve said for a very long time that my mum shouldn’t have kids and I’m so scared that I’m going to raise mine in the same sorta way though I’d like to think I’d never do the things she did to us. I keep having the whole thing stuck in my head of when I had a fall out with my sisters many years ago and they said I was just like our mum and they’d cut me off because of it. Things have never been the same since and I keep thinking it’s because of this.

Wer not getting any support. I’m struggling with getting him even diagnosed. Neither of the families seem to understand and my mum who had an autistic child doesn’t provide any support for anything. Yes he goes to preschool and loves it! His school is amazing and they do everything they can. He also has a brilliant one to one. He does have a speech therapist and has had since the speech delay was picked up. He says numbers very badly and attempts the alphabet but that is it really. They said that he has brilliant communication skills as he uses gestures to try and express his needs but from ours and his teachers view he is non verbal rather than pre verbal which is what he is down as on records.

I have to admit I do also agree though as when I try and look at how I’m reacting rationally the things I’m saying and thinking are the things that my mum is constantly bringing into conversations which makes me wonder if she’s putting thoughts into my head.

Your sisters are keeping their distance and have their own reasons for that, it seems there are some deep rifts. It's sad, but please don't rely on them, or the wider family, to understand how you're feeling or give you the relationship you're looking for. Sometimes all we can do is accept relationships for what they are.

It's great news that your son is enjoying his pre school and getting good one to one support. He is still young and early intervention can do a lot to improve his prospects. It sounds like you are struggling to connect with him though, does he have any particular interests where you can meet him at his level? E.g. if he is interested in say trains or animals, and plan activities around those things?

I’ve decided to flat out ask my sisters and tell them how I’m feeling. Now I’ve had a bit of sleep and I feel like my anxiety or postnatal depression or something has gotten the best of me. Still waiting on having my full night of sleep after having my second 😅. I’m not my mum and I need to just be honest and voice my feelings a little. Even one of my sisters said that I was overthinking things when I first started the conversation 😅 so it’s most likely all in my head thanks to my mum saying stupid stuff to me and suggesting my sisters don’t want anything to do with us. Sadly my mum manipulates people around her and tries to turn each other against each other. A therapist I saw a long time ago even suggested that she gas lights us and I need to stop letting what she says affect my thoughts and feelings and instead view our relationship from a distance to stop getting hurt which has worked but I think she managed to get to me more than I realised during our visit the last weekend. I’m still going to keep this thread going for I think I just need to talk to someone for a little bit and I’m going to reach out to some groups as well. In the end me being lonely is the main problem I think.

Listen to me op ❤️

I think you could go to the doctor's and ask for help. Whether that's antidepressants and therapy to get you through this easier, and also push them to diagnose your son (it takes ages though). And find stuff like local baby groups, autism support groups. Your child won't be like any other kid there, don't be scared of finding out more about autism, it's a difference but it can be managed and knowledge helps, I know it's scary.

Do you work? Perhaps finding a job, even part time, and the children going to childcare might help, I appreciate that may be difficult to find for your son. But it will redirect you all.

You've said that your mum wasn't a good mother to you and your sisters have been mean in the past. Clearly none of them understand you or your children as you are right in this moment... So have you considered moving on with your life, and not prioritising them? It hurts, but therapy makes it easier. You DO have a family, your own family, your children. Prioritise them, and yourself.

Unfortunately you can't force other family members to care, or even expect it. And a lot of your energy that you need to get yourself and your kids through the day is being wasted worrying about them and their lack of interest. Are they really worth it? If they don't give you what you need?

Does your husband parent his children as much as you do? Do you ever get time to yourself? Even for a coffee alone? This is very important. He needs to do more. You need time to just exist for yourself.

I would say, work on valuing yourself first, building your self esteem and not trying to be included with your family. Blood means nothing really, it doesn't guarantee you'll actually like each other. And then you might be free to find people in life who really get you. Do you have any symptoms of neurodiversity yourself? Getting that diagnosed may unlock doors in your understanding.

Go easy on yourself. Having an autistic child is hard. Having a baby is also hard. Having a shit family is hard. But ultimately, only you can take steps to improve your life , and I'm sure that (bit by bit) you can do it ❤️

Thank you and I think you are right. The main thing which we all share is some very bad childhood trauma. As mentioned one of my sisters is pregnant and my eldest seems to be trying to fill the shoes of being the support figure in the family in a way. We have a separate chat away from my mum where I let them know when drama is starting which is constantly. I made the mistake of suggesting my parents move closer to us with the idea that we can help them when needed as they used to live very far from all of us. I didn’t realise how much drama would be brought into our lives with unrealistic expectations made out for us all.

I really like that suggestion for my son but I’ve tried. I used to try playing with him but he’d get upset because I was interfering with what he was doing. He gives me hugs throughout the day when I’m working funny enough. I think in a way my son is also too smart as he thinks if I’m holding his sister I can’t do things for him like take him to the toilet (he’s started having accidents lately). All day yesterday he seem to spend it playing in the hallway rather than the front room which was a bit odd. I’d see him carrying his teddies around like he was a mission. I don’t know if it was because his dad was tiding and so he was copying him but that would kind of explain it. My son is so hard to read because of the communication problems.

Thank you. I keep wondering if it is worth me trying therapy again. I’ve been noticing it bit that last few months that I just don’t seem happy or at least not like I was back in September. I’m going to speak to my husband about it though he’s working tomorrow so may have to be through messages.

I work full time. I’m the breadwinner so when my son was 10 weeks old I had to go back to work and this time round with my daughter I got a bit longer and went back when she was 14 weeks. If I’m honest I didn’t want to go to work so soon with either of them and I think I felt it more the second time round. Neither birth went smoothly and both were emergency c sections. I developed an infection with the second and was signed off by my doctors literally the day before I started work. Even then they continued to do tests as my blood results kept flagging up things. I think they’re happy with everything now though I’m on iron tablets for a while.

I see what you mean about prioritising just my little family and I do but I’m finding it hard with my children being so young and unable to interact with me. On the weekends they can end being a case of my son playing with toys and watching cocomelon and then me watching a show on my phone and holding a baby. I try and do things with the pair of them but my son is very independent and doesn’t like me playing with him or at least gets upset when I do. Then my daughter is in that stage where she wants to do things but can’t which upsets her. She stills having lots of naps at the moment as well and when she is awake it’s spent feeding her an sorting out my son.

You’re possibly right and my family isn’t worth it and they aren’t giving me what I need. I guess I’m just scared that my little group of people is getting smaller and smaller and it does feel like there is only us four now. Work makes doing things and meeting people incredibly hard and having the kids has stopped me being able to attend anything to try and find friendships and develop interests. I knew having kids would make things harder but I always thought Id make mummy friends and things. Instead I’m finding the only way I can even talk to people is virtually now as I don’t have any free time.

My husband is a stay at home dad and with me working remotely it’s as if I’m playing part time mum until I finish and then I become full time mum. My husband really tries but things like cleaning isn’t ever being done and I can’t help but feel like my son is being neglected sometimes because my husband is trying to do this and that and run his business. He also works part time which is a huge strain as then I’m playing full time mum and working full time in mornings and evenings. Currently my husband is only working every other Sunday but I’m really not looking forward to when it goes into season and suddenly I’m trying to juggle everything. I’m so grateful I have a good boss. I have to admit though that even trying to do the school runs which happen during work hours and takes me past the one hour I get for lunch each day causing me to do overtime is killing me a bit. I want to walk my son to school to get out of the house and away from work but then I’m losing my evenings and don’t feel like I can quite win. Haha and if it’s not obvious I definitely don’t get any time for myself 😅. My husband tries but my son still comes up to me constantly when I’m working. I’m still in mum mode throughout the day and struggle to concentrate which my boss bless him completely understands and says that it’s never reflected in my work and I’m doing a really good job. I know it’s just a really difficult patch with my daughter being so young and my son only being in preschool in the afternoon. The current situation is only temporary as everything will change a good amount come September and my son starts school more full time and my daughter is able to move and do things. I keep mentioning the idea of us hiring a cleaner to help lighten the load for my husband which would help him be able to lighten the load from me more so maybe I should look into that idea more but money although is improving for us is still a worry.

I will try and do I wonder if quite a bit especially lately. Our health visitor even said that I show signs of autism and when I was younger I supposedly copied my brother to the point of us inventing our own secret language and we had to be spilt up so my mum could get me ‘back on track’ in her words. Do you think me being diagnosed would help any? I’m not seeing much help for my son currently I have to admit and aren’t seeing how me knowing if it was would make much of a difference.

Thank you. I’m just struggling to see how things will really improve sadly. Currently things feel like they are going to opposite and I don’t really understand how to fix it. When I spoke to a therapist she flat out said that if I didn’t cut my parents out of my life then things wouldn’t ever change for me which in a way seems right as although I no longer have a relationship with them like I had before they are still around. I can’t see how I would ever be able to completely cut them out though as it would be a case of cut out my entire family then. When I decided that was it with them before my mum also wouldn’t stop pestering me and I finally caved and pretended to forgive them.

For all who either read or responded to my thread. Thank you for doing so. I spoke to my sister and all is good. My mum got into my head and the strain of everything overwhelmed me. We have a plan for Christmas which was actually a very simple one that didn’t occur to me and my suggested 😅. She was happy for me to have just been straight and open and it goes to show it’s always best to just talk things out 😊. Now back to my day of dealing with a sicky baby and crazy toddler 🤣🤣. Thanks again!