39, 5 kids (4 have autism) a hubby of 22 years.
A hubby that picks his family, will do anything needed, a good guy.
I love my kids, however this last year I have been so numb, like I’m watching my life. I don’t care about anything. Trauma from when I was a kid haunting me and all my decisions I have made because of this.
Although my hubby is a great guy, I have been bringing the energy to out relationship, I bring the humour days out meals etc etc. He turns into me, sounds awful. He won’t go out anywhere with out me, he works from home he doesn’t have or want any other friends.
for 20 years this has been fine, but I’m just wanting someone who brings excitement (I’m sure mid life crisis) someone that has some adventure and fun 🫣. I’m selfish. I have been giving and giving all my life, this last year I’m like I’m done of giving. I hadn’t realised till last year I had spent years pumping him up, and there has been no one doing it for me…
Even in bed it’s all my ideas he has no ideas of his own for anything.
I have to constantly make my hubby happy pretend to be happy or his just as sad. He is literally me. I play a game he will play it, I like a certain food it’s his fav too, no surprises in 22 years. His emotions are based on my emotions. And it’s bringing me down. Because I am down and watching him be down because I’m down is even worse than being down .
Everytime I try and get alone time he sulks.
or thinks it’s alone time if he texts me 900 times.
I have been looking after everyone my whole life (even my mum). Is it weird I’m craving someone to look after me. Please don’t judge. I mean I just have this selfish want of finding someone that sees something in me, that wants to protect me. Because I feel nothing I suppose I want them emotions of fancying someone and someone fancying me.
My hubby is a kind man a trustworthy man, but runs away from the front door when knocked, pushes me in front if one of us needs to talk to someone (ie reception desk).
I feel so down and just craving change but think it’s me. I feel like I’m gonna blow up my whole family because I can’t feel happy. I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t work out if it’s me or I’m unhappy in a marriege. However his a good man.
maybe I need to try antidepressant. How do people make it this long in a marriege and keep his alive, the spark.
He works from home too. So we are together 24/7. I feel at breaking point I feel I have lived 17 years as parent and I don’t know what fun is no more.