Would it be worth seeing a counsellor?

[watchinggladiators]

I keep wondering about getting some private counselling but I don't know if it would be worth it, so I'd be interested in hearing people's experiences/thoughts.

I'll try to be fairly brief. I had a very emotionally abusive childhood which has left some lifelong scars - some abandonment and self-worth issues and v poor relationship choices in the past. I've spent 50 years learning about myself and trying to beat the demons, both through studying and seeing various counsellors at particularly difficult times.

So now I'm actually OK most of the time about the shit that I went through, (perhaps by burying it a lot of the time). I can't change the past, but I feel I do understand it (and my abuser) much better and have largely come to terms with things. I have a good relationship with my DD and GCs, and with my DP; I have good friends and on the whole, feel pretty positive about life.

My abuser is still around and still knows how to press my buttons. I take it much better now, I can react very calmly and defuse the immediate situation, and it doesn't happen too often, though sometimes an episode will just scratch a little too deep again and can still make me miserable for several days when it happens.

Contact with my abuser is fairly limited but I will not go NC (my choice). My abuser is likely to be reaching the end of life in the foreseeable future so I want to be able to handle the remaining months or years with equinamity.

I know counselling is not a magic button. Can it take me any further? Or does it sound as though I've gone about as far as I realistically can (I'll never feel perfect but I feel and cope so much better than I once did!), given that nothing can change what has gone before? Shall I just wait and see how I cope with the bereavement? Whaddya think?

i can relate… similarly, I feel that I have worked hard & managed to understand the past & even have empathy/forgiveness towards my abuser’s! (although I recognise that I don’t hold the same kindness towards myself. I carry the guilt, shame & self hatred.

if I was honest with myself, it’s maybe a sense of not feeling safe enough to confront my abuser’s, it was more about ignoring the situation’s to avoid confrontation & the consequences from them!

I have had therapy over the years & worked hard on self healing.
however, since menopause kicked my butt, my tolerance isn’t great & my body hurts constantly. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Fibromyalgia & ME/CFS approx 30 yrs ago & what I’m learning now, is the body does keep score!

I had felt that I had reached a high level of recovery & acceptance, yet my body hasn’t recovered from the trauma.

I feel now, I probably need intensive therapy & support to try to minimise further deterioration & hopefully learn to be gentler on myself.

perhaps you could speak to your GP to access NHS talking therapy or get placed into a waiting list, to help keep you balanced.

It’s possible with the possibility of the expected passing of this person, it’s highly likely everything will flood back & more will overwhelm you, possibly from a space of safety to admit the full extent of the damage caused to you.

I wish you well 🫶🏼