Hi op. So sorry that you and your dd are struggling with this. I can really sympathise!
I suggest looking at the following thread on the “Parents of adult children” board because if contains lots of good recommendations.
“DD wanting to leave uni. Lonely and finds day to day life anxiety inducing. Will she always be like this?”
Second, rest assured that you are not alone, and it’s very important that you try and impress this upon your dd too.
So much of anxiety is caused by thinking “I’m odd and there is something seriously wrong with me” when the mh of so many young adults is poor atm, particularly those whose key final years at school and first years at uni were negatively impacted by the pandemic, and yet this is not generally acknowledged, and they have been left to struggle on as though nothing happened.
Add an extra mh problem or ND or SEN in to that mix and they struggle even more. I know five young adults in my own circle struggling like this in some way.
As the mother of an adult dd with ASD your sentence;
“She often feels dissociated, and just feels uncomfortable in her own skin.”
raises a few flags, certainly the the latter part of that sentence, plus the length of time your dd has been struggling (there needs to have been signs since a child for an autism diagnosis) makes me query ASD, but I have no mh training whatsoever!
Does your dd have any sensory issues with food textures or sensitivity to sounds, clothing, smells? Does she struggle with transitions? Is she better with a good routine?
ASD also can cause developmental delays in emotional growth, social interaction and independence, even when academically the adult child is on a par with, or doing even better than, their peers.
Please remember that your dd has made progress since she was a young girl and will continue to do so, even though progress may not be linear, and may be behind her peers.
Either way, your dd is struggling with life atm so I think you are right to encourage your dd to find a good licensed psychologist who specialises in anxiety and female ASD for the following reasons
- if you find a good, practical, sympathetic, down to earth therapist, they will be able to reassure your dd that she is “normal” and she is not unique in experiencing anxiety
- she will have someone else to support her other than you, and you can focus on yourself a bit more
- hopefully the therapist will help her explore a diagnosis or not as appropriate
- hopefully your dd can grow and learn in response to a good therapist who is reflecting back good interpersonal skills.
- if she does turn out to have ASD, your dd may learn some strategies in how to live life as a ND person and also blame herself less for being “different” from her peers.
- a good therapist will try to make her see that having perfectionist, rigid and unrealistic standards is not helping her progress and to excel within the boundaries of what is realistic.
If she is reluctant to talk about herself or attend sessions then a good starting point is some good reading on the subject. (See other thread for recommendations.) Some of the books and websites available might encourage your dd to see being different as less than a catastrophe and may diminish the rigid thinking she has around this issue. Rigid thinking being one potential symptom of autism btw!
Sometimes therapy doesn’t work for people with autism bc of alexithymia and lack of knowledge about how neurodiversity shows up in females generally, that is why if ND is suspected, a specialist therapist is advised.
This is all a very long marathon and not a sprint op so it’s very important to focus on your own life now and not wait until your dd is in a better place until you travel, start that new creative course or join that hobby group. because In doing so you will be demonstrating positivity to your dd and how to live a balanced life.
Easy to say when you feel weighed down by worry for her, and her dependence on you, but you have to somehow find the strength to get out from under that and thrive, as it helps no one if you both have mh issues. So be a bit selfish if you need to be. And try and keep in mind that you being overly anxious about her anxiety doesn’t help either of you to move forward.
Hang on to the fact that she is still attending university so she is progressing and that you are helping her by being present in her life. We can’t and shouldn’t protect them too much from discomfort because it’s through experiencing difficulties that they grow.
I’m sorry that I can’t offer more suggestions op. I know from personal experience that this situation can be incredibly tiring and demoralising. Do you have support of your own? If not, I recommend trying to find some.