OCD and debilitating anxiety

[Alwaysworrying25]

It's a long read so I apologise. I don't know what else to do and I don't even know why I'm saying all this, but I have no friends and family or any support network to tell about this and I'm dying inside. I cant cope.

I have OCD and my main theme is my health, or dying. Lately, I've begun obsessing and constantly worrying about dying. I'm terrified I'll die suddenly, or my heart will just stop, I'm scared to go out, scared to drive, scared to do anything, I'm scared to be home alone in case my heart stops and no one is around to try and save me. I'm scared to sleep in case I don't wake up.

I have visions and mental images of myself being dead. In a coffin. In hospital. It terrifies me. They are clear pictures iny mind. I have sudden thoughts that one day I will die and cease to exist. And I can't comprehend the idea of not being alive. It makes my blood run cold, my stomach drops, my heart races, I feel sick. This is a daily thing, all day every day.

I have a young son with special needs. The thought of me dying and not being here for him also makes me scared and anxious. It's not a fleeting thought. It's constant. I'm too scared to take medications in case they harm me or cause me fatal health problems. I don't try new foods, in case I'm allergic and I die. I dont go new places alone because I'm scared. I can't wait to put my son to bed at night because if he is tucked in bed, he is safe. I worry that if something happens to me, he will die too because who will take care of him. I'm scared when I bathe him, in case my heart stops and he will drown. If I die, he will be alone and hungry and starve to death. I spend my days just crying and feeling sick.

I'm very overweight. I know this increases my risk of dying suddenly. If I'm not worrying about my heart stopping, I'm worrying about a brain aneurysm or a blood clot, any sudden death, and it's the actual dying and nothingness that terrifies me.

Sorry this is long. I just don't know where to put all this. Ive and CBT and it just doesn't work. I'm so terrified all of the time. I don't know how to cope anymore. I cannot make this go away. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be sent to a mental hospital or something.

This is so stressful OP and my heart goes out to you. Please get help as soon as you can. Refer yourself for another round of the CBT, and make sure it focuses on ERP (exposure and response prevention) - it will start to work eventually, slowly but surely.
Tell your GP what your worries are and that you need more help. I've had OCD, and although mine was mostly focused on food, I also had the other thoughts you're describing, and often still do although not as severely. It's immensely stressful and exhausting, and you're doing so well to cope with that while looking after a child.

I don't know what I want from the GP I've been backwards and forwards over the years, I fought for a referral to the CMHT and I saw a psychologist and she diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Then I feel they just didn't want to know. They offer me the meds and I say I will take them and I never can bring myself to do it and then I go back and the cycle with the GP repeats.

This is so upsetting to read, I’m so sorry. As a parent of an adult who is unable to live by himself, it’s a constant worry.

I know it’s easier said than done but your anxiety will not help your son, you need medication and help at this level. Nobody should have to endure this level of worry.

Can you get help to lose weight? I might not ease your anxiety but will certainly help your general wellbeing and health.

I can't afford weight loss jabs. I have lost a good amount of weight in the last so I know I can do it. I think I I eat emotionally and use food as a comfort when things feel unbearable.

I do the same, I know I can lose it with control. If you need a support buddy, perhaps we could do it together?

I would really love that. Thank you

I’ve pm’d you x

I have messaged you directly too

Hi
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Ocd and anxiety is an awful cycle to be stuck in. It’s like a wheel of non stop torture that you can’t get off. However it’s really good that you recognise you are struggling so that’s a start in getting better. Speak to your GP and try to distract yourself as much as you can. I find that personally knowledge is power. The OCD stories podcast is amazing, and also the OCD and anxiety podcast is great. You can listen on Spotify for free.

I can empathise as I have almost identical anxiety and OCD, scared to take anything for it as well. I have found CBT helpful in the past. Solidarities.