Before you judge

[Annon98j]

Hey
If you’ve clicked on this post then I’d very much appreciate your words of wisdom

I am a 27 year old single Mummy to twins who are almost 5

I don’t even know where to begin with my words
I’m hoping to gain some sense of relief by getting my thoughts out of my system

I struggle
I know every parent struggles (single parent or not)

I struggle with guilt, I constantly feel like I’m a bad mum, I’m not doing enough
my patience is non-existent, I snap at my kids constantly
I find any noise very overstimulating
I find everything a chore
I feel stuck in survival mode
I don’t enjoy motherhood, I struggle to sit and play with my kids or even take them to the park
I don’t seem to enjoy anything at the moment
I dread waking up and having to start the day again
I feel like my kids will grow up and hate me
All I can do is the bare minimum
They’re very well looked after. I cook them good meals, they’re clean, healthy, they have toys, entertainment and overall everyone says they’re happy kids

Before any of you say ‘you’re depressed’
yes, I’m very aware I am
I have been on medication, I’ve had therapy for PTSD as their dad was very abusive towards me (physically and verbally)

I have felt like this for years
I don’t remember the last time I felt content

I see all these Mums around me, on school runs etc they seem like they have light to them
meanwhile I walk around with a constant dark cloud over my head, promising myself I’ll be better tomorrow
well the truth is, Tomorow comes and I’m the exact same
I’ve sat down with myself multiple times and given myself grace
I’ve read a ton of parenting books
i meditate
I Journal
Im very self-aware

I genuinely feel like something is wrong with me
it almost feels like I don’t have time to enjoy anything
Things need to get done
I find it hard to switch off
I’m constantly counting down the hours until bed time
so I can finally be alone

the kids are in school

Im also undergoing assessment for ADHD
I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make with this
I guess I’d like to know if anyone feels the same
or if anyone has any practical realistic advice for me to start enjoying motherhood, to have more patience
to be happier

Feel free to judge all you like
however
if someone else is reading this and feels the same way as I do, I want you to know, you’re not alone

thank you for taking the time to read this

Don't want to read and run. You sound amazing - very self aware and engaged even if it feels forced. I remember the early years being incredibly tough - and I didn't have twins. Hope others can also give you lots of positive reassurance.

You sound like me some years ago. I can really relate to finding everything a chore and feeling stuck in survival mode. I wasn't a single parent either, so it wasn't as though everything was down to me.

I think you sound like a caring person with a lot of self awareness. You also sound to be doing a good job of being a Mum. None of us are perfect and raising twins on your own must be hard!

Some things that I found helpful...

Pairing up with other Mums with children of a similar age to give the young ones chance to run about and play while I had some much needed adult conversation.

If anyone offered help of any kind, taking them up on the offer!

Using clubs and activities to help keep the children busy and occupied. (Especially handy at weekend).

I found that I was a MUCH better Mum as my children got older. I found the toddler to preschool years really difficult, but once they got to school and became a bit more independent, things were much easier. Once they went to high school it became easier again. They're now young adults, but still living at home and we have a really good relationship. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and we're not all great at all of it. Focus on doing a 'good enough' job.

Best of luck to you xxx

You actually sound awesome! Single mum to twins, and keeping it all together as best you can. Respect!
Your self awareness is impressive, as are your attempts to manage your well being.
So, as @FuzzyGalgo said, keep focusing in being good enough, and also reach out to family, friends, GP, and here for support.
You are in the trenches right now, but as your DTs get older, and a little more independent, things will get better.

Also, you really don’t need to play with them. Yes, give them cuddles, and read books together and drink pretend tea and eat pretend food, but let them discover how to play together and use their own imagination.